Death of my perpetrator

[Cammy]

It has been 9 days since my mother died. It has been an emotional roller coaster as she was using me since I was 3 years old as her beacon through life. She did many incredibly selfish things and never considered me as more than a useful object for her future security. She never supported me emotionally or gave me any guidance. However, I have come to realize she was severely damaged and I forgive her. This forgiveness is a liberating thing. I hugged her hard seconds after she died in my arms - I gave her the hugs I could never give her in life. I loved her. She loved me as much as her emotionally childlike mind could. For the first time in my life I am without my perpetrator. Already I can feel the changes. I have started wearing colors. I have been able to evolve into Cammy - she who is free of the one who created the dissociative disorder while I was so young. Everything is all new and shiny. I am ready to move forward and it is exciting. I mourned for a week filled with guilt because I was exasperated with her at the moment she died and expressing my exasperation. She couldn't have picked a worse time for her heart to stop. But, I am tired of living with guilt every time someone dies under my care. When my Dad died downstairs, I was sick with pneumonia and couldn't get to him for a day. I was so guilty I didn't go near his room for 5 years. When my mom died last Monday, within hours after her body was removed, I was already packing all her clothes into garbage bags. I especially was happy to get rid of the gravity chair that she sat in for five years waiting to die simply because she had given up on life. I never wanted to see that chair again. My husband took all the stuff to the dump. I kept only a few pieces of clothing, but clearing out the room right away was the right thing for me. I didn't want to live with the guilt and the stuff was just a reminder. She wanted to die. She told me so the day before and the day of. So, she got her wish. With her death went my host, and I moved to a new evolution of me - Cammy. I've been waiting a very long time to take the next leap to a new host who could not manifest until the perpetrator was gone. I love myself now. I don't worry about things. I don't have panic attacks. I enjoy the moment. I don't sweat the small stuff. It's all so new and not like the old host at all, and I'm glad to be free of all the anxiety. Deep breath of a new day.