frustrated

[Tangled Web]

We saw T today and tried to explain to her where we were in our thinking and what we figured out.
It felt like she just didn't get it. I could not keep her on the same page with me today if my life depended on it. It is SO frustrating.
I have been getting somewhere in my figuring things out. I realized that I have separated myself from the others SO much in order to keep us functioning. It has worked but it hasn't help us heal. I recently got a "taste" of what it is like inside and how massive our castle is. I have forgotten. I have forgotten SO many things of what it used to be like. Well I started to remember them again. Talking about the inner castle isn't something we do--it always had to remain hidden.
So I have been thinking a lot about letting the others come out and start talking and all that that entails and trying to figure out a way to this. So many things have been going through my mind and so much I wanted to get out of my head today---
side note--I thought of you -The People--and how you wanted a create a group and the social aspect to it and for the first time in a very long time I actually wished I had something like that......I wished I had someone to talk to that could just "get it" you know?
So I thought well I have T today I will just talk to her. She doesn't get it though and it is SO hard to explain...........

I know that I need to start communicating with the others and forming relationships with them. I need to start to get to know them again. I need to learn how to trust them. But I am afraid of all the chaos that comes with that. The never ending chatter and arguments reaching a point where it feels like your head will explode. The time loss will come back and fighting to try to get people to cooperate and take turns--PLUS keep us functioning. I can't do it all and I don't know how or who can help me from inside. They all have there own jobs/things to do..........
So trying to explain ALL this to T was very unsuccessful. She doesn't get it. She thinks that I can just do visual imaging and let one person out at a time. Let them talk to her and she will help with that. That isn't MY POINT!
My point is the fears I have--My point is what I remember what happened last time when I was much more connected to the insiders and the chaos that happened--those are my points.........
So I guess now it feels like I am back to trying to do this on my own again. I am SO frustrated. I finally figure out what needs to be done that actually makes sense and want to make this step but it feels like I am walking into a mine field and when I told T this is huge and you need to get it she wanted to know why it was so huge. OH man because it IS!
Thanks for listening......

[mosaic]

im sorry your t couldn't understand what you were needing from her.

i know it feels like you're trying to do it on your own. dont give up on your t - maybe don't worry so much about explaining your process to her... just do what you see you need to do and let it happen as best you can if you can. and if this isnt the right time for others to come forward and talk to t, it isn't the right time.

i think it is a good idea for you to communicate with the others, etc., and i think it's important that you work on it in a way that feels safe.

i feel like i'm rambling.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks mosaic. You aren't rambling-what you said makes sense.
I tried to write her an email and I think I got some points across but then had to stop writing-I was getting more confused with too many thoughts all at the same time. I did send what was written and I am not going to give up on her--just frustrated.........
Think it is time for a break from this and I think you are right-she probably doesn't need to know my process. I just wish she did.......

[nats]

agreeing with mosaic. t probably doesn't need to know your process, just as you don't need her to know in order to succeed. now, 'wanting' is a whole separate issue! we may want certain people to understand, accept, and love us fully, but we don't always need it.

[Tangled Web]

I agree nats--I do want her to understand but I don't think I need her to in order to move forward. This is going to be one of those things that it is what it is and I can accept that now. Thanks

[orek]

I think I get it, tangled. Yes, our Ts may not need to know all our processes, but I also find myself feeling anxious sometimes about wanting my T to understand certain inner processes, like way more than there's time to explain and usually involving more details than necessary for her to help us. Not sure why--was just pondering that earlier--but it's like we're afraid she won't "get" or believe us if she doesn't hear it all. Nevertheless, you do want your T to validate and address your fears and concerns. I'm sorry if you don't feel heard and supported that way. I forget how long you've been with this T, but our last T was excellent, and it was still 3 years before insiders wrote to her, and another year before they showed up in therapy. It's time when it's time, and not until they feel safe enough. It's already easier with our new T, partly because of the great last experience, but your therapy is yours and unique. You're not doing anything wrong!

We also get the separating in order to function bit. Our chaos, especially when we first were diagnosed, manifested differently, but it wasn't fun. However, it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be that way again for you (or me). You've come a long way! Take a couple deep breaths and be gentle with yourselves if you can. Again, you're not doing anything wrong, just continuing to push forward. And that's a good thing!

[Tangled Web]

we're afraid she won't "get" or believe us if she doesn't hear it all--That is exactly how we feel!
We are still frustrated with T. The last session I tried very hard to explain things to her and her repetitive response to me was-well that is "normal" and I would continually say well that might be but not for ME! I was banging my head against a wall it felt and couldn't let it go. I still can't. Wrote her an email expressing that frustration and she responded saying that she should of told me that she knew it was terrifying for me and she does understand. And she wants me to continue telling her what I need. That isn't what I was looking for either. Well it was a piece of something but what I am looking for is when you know when you read a post on these boards and you get that feeling inside of complete......don't know the word.........but you are you like YES THAT IS IT!!!!! The person "got it" with the words typed here you have that feeling of WOW someone actually gets it! That is what I keep waiting for from her-waiting for her to get it and have the feeling inside that is like that-WOW she gets it. Is that wrong?
We have been seeing this T for 2 years now.
I was describing to her what had happened at work. We lost someone very near and dear to our heart.
I am one that keeps us functioning. I never cry. I can get angry and feel happy but the sadness never touches me. The feelings I get are like just flickers or small slivers and then they go away.
That is the way it has always been. Until recently-that changed.
So especially when I am at work-that is the place I function best and feel the most like me-I am ALWAYS able to handle ANY situations that comes up.
I was able to figure out what happened and why I couldn't do what I normally do and just function.
It felt like I was forced to stay in that situation because I had to deal with the family members and her husband after she had died. It was never ending (that is how it felt). I found myself getting angry, frustrated because I just wanted them to just go away so the hurt could go away but that didn't happen. I was in that situation too long and it ended up touching me-affecting me.
What ALWAYS happens is that when any kind of feeling happens-it is like I have this vacuum inside where it just gets sucked away and I am left with just the facts to deal with. I don't where it goes or what happens to the feelings they just go away and leave me to function on a factual level. It works! It has always worked! But there was too much that happened that day and the feelings were there. They touched me and it felt like they grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let me go. I crumbled and was a mess-I couldn't function like I usually do. That was a huge blow for me on top of the blow of losing someone we really cared about.
That day was the first time in my entire life I actually felt my own tears fall down my cheeks. I thought I was incapable of crying. I know that must sound stupid but I honestly thought I couldn't cry. I never have. It hurt SO much and stuck with me-I couldn't get rid of it. The tears kept falling and I couldn't shut them off-I couldn't shut anything down-it felt like I was just a huge bundle of exposed raw nerves. People at work saw me cry-I saw me cry! I felt me cry! And it just wasn't for that day-it continued for the remaining days........and is still there now only back in the shadows.
Side note-I felt extremely bad about feeling angry. I was there for her family and husband and gave them all the support they needed. It couldn't be any other way and it was something I had to do. I was there for them and the connection grew stronger along with the hurt.
So I was explaining all of this my T and everything else that happened-I got up in front of all these people I worked with and her family members and gave an eulogy at her memorial service we had at work for her.......more tears fell........
My T--She says to me that is normal-It is normal to feel angry and the stages of grief-It is normal to cry when we lose someone we love-it is normal to have it effect you. And I kept telling her well it isn't normal for ME! She saw it as progress-which I can see that now-but I really just needed something from her that I couldn't get. This was extremely HUGE to me and all I get was it was normal. So yes I am frustrated! She says in her response to my email --I think that I do understand that it was huge for you to feel the feelings and to understand processing. I see this as major steps forward. I did know that it must have been terrifying and overwhelming for you and I should have told you that I knew.-- Those words did absolutely nothing for me. So this is where it stands and I have no idea where to go from here.

Things have changed inside now. I am starting to feel more things now-body feelings-maybe that is the wrong word. For example--it has been extremely cold out. Usually when I am at work in the morning I sneak out to have a smoke. I have gone out in my short sleeved uniform and had my smoke on the coldest days and yes I will feel a flicker of that when I step outside but it goes away-it has always gone away. Last year when we had that brutally cold winter-I never once turned the heat on in my apartment-I didn't feel the cold like most people-NOW I feel the cold! I get cold! I get to the point where I can't even feel my fingers I am SO cold! This has NEVER happened to me. I need to people to understand that! Yes, I can understand that this is probably a good thing and that it is progress BUT.........before I can go there and see it as all those things I have to get used to it. Does that make sense? It freaks me out-that is a HUGE change! It just doesn't apply to feelings like loss and sadness and I find myself trying to adjust to all of this and just trying to wrap my head around it.
And yes I want to progress but I also find myself trying to get things back to the way they were but then NOT and wanting to move forward.........But I think I need get used to this first-one step at time right? This is really hard. Thanks for listening.
Emma

[Tangled Web]

PS-And T still goes on about talking to the others-f*ck the others is how I feel right now! I want her to deal with me. We are now angry. GREAT!
She says to me well we have been talking about this-meeting the others for awhile now and I say I know but something else always comes up-I might be stalling, I know that but this time it was legit. What has been happening to us is HUGE! I said to her that this processing thing I think I have finally figured out what it means and don't know if I can do that. That having these feelings scared me enough to think that it wasn't worth it and quitting therapy. Guess what she said--oh we should talk about that and it is NORMAL to flip flop like this! The theme for the session continued! IT IS f*ck*ng NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! UUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!

[orek]

Oh, Tangled, I wish I could wave a wand and make this go away for you. My past T and this one both "normalize" our feelings or reactions for us, but always in context of the dissociation and abuse, etc, and always when I seem to need to hear I'm not some hopeless freak or something. It sounds as if maybe your T properly learned that normalizing things for her patients is important, so she's shooting that out there, but not when it's needed, not listening to what is needed. Now, it's not always easy to tell, but in this case, I think you couldn't be any clearer that some huge shifts are happening and that you need her to validate that fear and help you stabilize your system or understand how to process these shifts more than you need to hear how it's normal to grieve. I mean, really!

Also, she shouldn't keep pushing this meeting of the insiders, if that's what she's doing. It's totally legit to talk to you about how to make the space safer for them or what strategies to use to make it easier for insiders to come. For example., with our last T, in order to prevent upfronters from just taking up the session with chatter because they were always nervous about insiders coming and were compulsively avoiding it (stalling, for sure!), our T asked how we felt about having insider "appointment times" within the session, like at some point after the session starts, like top of the hour, whichever insider signed up inside for a slot gets some time. We tried two 15-minute slots. It worked! There was an agreed-upon point in therapy where upfronters knew they had agreed to step back, and insiders didn't have to scramble for who would come forward because someone already signed up for it. After a while, we didn't need to do that anymore. They could come forward and upfronters move back (for the most part) more easily without needing that structure. To clarify, she didn't even bring up the idea of the appointment times until insiders had started to come forward already, and it was obvious we were ready but having struggles around who, how, when, as well as with upfronter discomfort.

All that to say, our T never pushed for insiders to come, even though they didn't show themselves to her until after 3 years with her or more. It'll happen when it can happen, when your system feels there's enough trust and safety to risk it. And absolutely not a moment before. Wise! I wish I had great insight into how you could resolve this with your T, but you know more and best. You'll find your way. You have all along and will in this situation. Be kind to yourselves, trust your guts, listen to insider feedback if possible, and try not to add to your suffering by thinking that somehow you're doing something wrong or that you need to hop to it and fix something. It's a process, all this shite. Part of the long process. Hang in there!

[Tangled Web]

Thanks Orek. She hasn't really "pushed" for others to come out--it is a choice she gives us and of course we have chosen not to for numerous reason and yes I know I am stalling.............We are less angry now and can think of things from a different perspective. Thanks for the response.........it helped.
TW

[The People]

Things will happen when you and yours are ready. I am glad she isn't pushing. Before there was an awareness of we little odd things would happen that we could never explain. For example, she would ask us what the weather was like and since the me at her door was not the me who drove there I would have no clue. My response would always be "about the same". Same as what? I knew this was odd but felt that saying "can't remember" was even more weird. Now I do remember which can be unfortunate.

Change is scary, even if it is inevitable. Small changes can eel like huge ones even if others don't understand why. Sometimes for us the specific change is related to something in the past. Something I freak over is change in physical surroundings. I remember freaking when I got new furniture and they painted my apartment and carpeted it. I freaked so much I ended up taying with a friend overnight. I don't know why it scared me. The same thing would happen when I would travel out of town in the fall and come home to Christmas lights on the lamp posts. Panic. Maybe someone was worried that we had lost time. Or they had actually done so. We hate change. I was very touched when my T informed me of a small change she would be making. Adding a new chair. Sometimes small things are bi things.