Anger

[MakersDozn]

I don't like feeling angry. I avoid it, run from it, hide inside because I don't know how to handle it. I let it wear me down until I give up and switch from anger to sadness, which is a lot easier for me to handle. I can go entire weekends retreating from the world, but then all of us lose the time, because I end up too depressed to get out of bed.

I can't count the number of times we've ended up staying home from work because of this. The others say that if spread those absences out over the 25 years that we've been at our job, it's not that much. But I think it is. Most people don't hide under the blankets because they can't face the pain of being alive.

So we've lost another Sunday.

I can't help but see myself as even weaker because of this. Whether it's true or not, it's how I feel. I have enough ugliness inside my self-concept to fill a thousand landfills. And I'm supposed to work through it to heal. I could use one of Laura's sarcastic responses right now, but she's not offering.

The weight of all the feelings seems oppressive. It's hard for me to breathe, emotionally speaking. I feel incredibly alone and unsupported, like I'm being punished for wanting someone to walk through this with me and help me heal. I wonder what I've done to deserve all of this.

The anger is scrunched in a ball of muscle underneath our left shoulder blade. We've been trying throughout the day to release it, but we can't. I shouldn't be surprised, and I'm not. I feel too defeated to be surprised.

I wish I could do something besides complain about all of this.

Charity

[mosaic]

hearing you. i wish i had something wise to offer. i can only say i know it's really difficult when we struggle with those emotions.

[tweeter]

Charity, you are doing something even if it feels the same.
I read two recent posts you wrote and have been re-reading them as I make my own, currently unpleasant, but necessary journey. I am working on an answer to one of them.

I know the anger - melancholy connection well. Anger, the expression of which is not safe because the other person, or societal segment, won't permit it, hop skips into fear, then leans into sadness.
At a time when expressed anger is more triggering to people because humanity is in crisis mode, a person might reconsider voicing it.
Of course you see yourself as weaker, which is exactly how the powers that be, from wherever they originate or emerge, want you to feel. Indeed, it's classic negative introject territory for both monominds and multiples, with differences of course.

I'm generally slow to anger, and controlled in its expression. You seem to have spasms behind the heart. I would say that you are truly both angry and sad. If you could express the anger, you probably would still be sad. It makes sense. I don't doubt that there is an element of punishment, which can take more than one form

For me, for the most part, the transition from anger to sadness is mediated by helplessness. I see helplessness as a form of fear, that drains energy to the point that a person can't react. Fear can also mobilize. I'm wordy here because I'm figuring out new territory arising from the old, and I don't want to err too flagrantly. I'm also a feelings person, highly intuitive, who has more or less learned that intuition generally needs some sort of evaluative thought to balance.

I'm feeling pretty helpless now due to illness and lack of support from those whose job it is to do that properly. But, I've been reading what you wrote and letting it sink into my subconscious, and below that. Well, there was an eruption, which is how it works.

There are two unrelated kids in my building. A girl about 3 1/2, and a boy of maybe 12 or 13. I might have mentioned them before. I love them both, and did the minute I saw them. That's the way it often is with me. Why? Because I'm looking for something undefinable, and they have it. I also look for kindness, though that is something else, and can take me more time to see over time.

Because I was not respected by parents as a kid, I've grown to be exceptionally mindful of boundaries, and for that reason, can be somewhat standoffish. This is not the same or in any way similar to my lack of deep interest in most people I meet. I had two separate interactions with these children recently, during which I was shown emotional affection of the most genuine kind, and pulled back as if struck with a cattle prod in one instance, and distanced myself from the other child which confused her, but she knows I like her and we parted that day on good terms. It's the same reaction I had when offered a great job opportunity, or anything really wonderful. I'm not talking perfect. I'm referring to an introduction or challenge that can bring happiness. It happened with trainman too, even as I was fighting to keep an even keel, and succeeding. If he had turned around, after his subtle invite that confused me, if he had continued walking but stretched out his hand beckoning me to follow, I could have moved. It would have taken a lot. I was sitting next to fm in the train's dining car. But fm couldn't have seen the moves I describe. In a normal situation, someone I care for deeply has to make physical contact with me to shake me out of an inertia of fear, or otherwise lead me to feel safe. Otherwise, I freeze. There are lesser examples of this, which I do have some control over. It wasn't that the people were deficient; it was that I was in abusive situations (living with mother or with fm) that also had a sustaining feature. It was that a behavior had been established and over recent years has been nurtured by bad situations that should not have been so.

The mother could go from what she called affection (I don't know what it was) to v**l*nc* in a heartbeat. She was n*ts. FM, my most trusted friend, who said he hoped I'd find love....., did everything he could to utterly destroy any chance of that friendship because my happiness had to be bestowed upon me by him, or else.
He lied, and thr**t*n*d me, and the other person. He made me feel isolated. He wants me to come live with him or near him.... I have refused. I can't do that. I can't be on a leash anymore.

I figured out behavioral reflexes in Al-Anon. One key is to slow the situation, in order to prevent this from happening. This particular reflex is too fast, and was learned in very early childhood. I put that together between last night and this morning. It's a root hair from the negative introject I've been dealing with. I knew there was something attached. I found it. Because of the martial arts work, and the way I approached it, I'm able to handle anger unless I feel directly thr**t*ned. If that were not so, I would be careful. I test myself every once in a while.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't see anything. It just came to me right now. Charity, are you afraid of your own anger? Is that why you can't release it, and one reason (not the whole) you seem to keep a safe space, if an enforced one. I might be too simplistic, or way off. It occurred to me. I don't mind if you don't feel like replying.

From what I've read, you're working very hard even if it might not look like you are. You have a history of denial, and there could be lapses. By writing here and admitting what you did and what you needed in another post, you showed on your end some of the progress made that T was referring to. You have a ways to go, and I think you have good leadership. At some point you can take another step.
I wish fm had been able to do that, stop fooling himself and trying to fool me. But he can't. He doesn't want to enough. He needs appearances.

I hope what I wrote was as helpful to you as it was to me to compose. I'm not editing because in doing so I might make it so obtuse that neither of us could make sense of it.

I'll write again. Wishing you and All of MDs well,
tweeter

[The People]

Hear ya. And you would be amazed at the amount of time people take off because they feel like they will explode if they go in.

[MakersDozn]

(01-14-2014, 06:13 PM)The People Wrote: Hear ya. And you would be amazed at the amount of time people take off because they feel like they will explode if they go in.

Yes. Definitely yes. That sounds more like Rachel's experience, but it means something to me as well. For me, I take off because I feel like I'll fall apart if I leave the house.

Thanks and take care,

Charity

[MakersDozn]

(01-13-2014, 12:11 PM)tweeter Wrote: Charity, you are doing something even if it feels the same.
I read two recent posts you wrote [....]

From what I've read, you're working very hard even if it might not look like you are. You have a history of denial, and there could be lapses. By writing here and admitting what you did and what you needed in another post, you showed on your end some of the progress made that T was referring to. You have a ways to go, and I think you have good leadership. At some point you can take another step.

Please forgive me for not having the energy to reply to more that this one part of what you wrote. We're up far later than we should be, and....What you say above is true. I do have a history of denial. And our T says that I am making progress even if I don't see it.

On some level I've always wanted to be a leader. On the inside, at least. But it's been hard to balance this out with reasonable expectations of people and situations--and myself. I have a lot to think about.

Thanks and take care,

Charity

[MakersDozn]

mosaic, I'm so sorry for not replying to you last night. I realized it after we turned the computer off.

Thank you for your validation and support. I do appreciate it.

Take care,

Charity

[tweeter]

Hi Charity,
Thank you. You really had no obligation to cover the waterfront, as it were. I feel that you got most of what I had to contribute to the topic at hand. Besides, I took off like a team of sled dogs, on a poorly written tangent.
This was not a verbal experience, and could not be forced to become that. But, I had to record something right away. These sorts of things fade out, the connections break down (normal), and the name change needs to be done asap. That last item is connected to a separation that has to occur, even if difficulties arise. Changes will occur. I'm in a stalemate now, except when it comes to health.

Anyhow, I'm no stranger to energy dips. Heck, I still owe you an answer. I thought I was ready, before, but that was before. There's been a shift. I still owe nats a post on denial. I think I'm ready to do that this week.

tweets

[The People]

(01-15-2014, 03:01 AM)MakersDozn Wrote:

(01-13-2014, 12:11 PM)tweeter Wrote: Charity, you are doing something even if it feels the same.
I read two recent posts you wrote [....]

From what I've read, you're working very hard even if it might not look like you are. You have a history of denial, and there could be lapses. By writing here and admitting what you did and what you needed in another post, you showed on your end some of the progress made that T was referring to. You have a ways to go, and I think you have good leadership. At some point you can take another step.

Sometimes people's expectations aren't reasonable. At our last job that lasted 2 months we told woman up front that we suck at paper work. she said it wan't that bad and then got mad when we couldn't keep up. at job before that, we do our best thinking when we pace, not sitting at a screen since our job involved a lot of problem solving (I actually read recently that this is the norm for some personality types). sometimes we would jokingly stop at someone's door and say "you wanna go get me a Tim's?" People would laugh and tell us to be quiet and go to our office. one woman who hated us complained and we had to stop. she complained about everything we did. we called her the troll under the bridge.

Please forgive me for not having the energy to reply to more that this one part of what you wrote. We're up far later than we should be, and....What you say above is true. I do have a history of denial. And our T says that I am making progress even if I don't see it.

On some level I've always wanted to be a leader. On the inside, at least. But it's been hard to balance this out with reasonable expectations of people and situations--and myself. I have a lot to think about.

Thanks and take care,

Charity