Anger

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Charity, you are doing something even if it feels the same.
I read two recent posts you wrote and have been re-reading them as I make my own, currently unpleasant, but necessary journey. I am working on an answer to one of them.

I know the anger - melancholy connection well. Anger, the expression of which is not safe because the other person, or societal segment, won't permit it, hop skips into fear, then leans into sadness.
At a time when expressed anger is more triggering to people because humanity is in crisis mode, a person might reconsider voicing it.
Of course you see yourself as weaker, which is exactly how the powers that be, from wherever they originate or emerge, want you to feel. Indeed, it's classic negative introject territory for both monominds and multiples, with differences of course.

I'm generally slow to anger, and controlled in its expression. You seem to have spasms behind the heart. I would say that you are truly both angry and sad. If you could express the anger, you probably would still be sad. It makes sense. I don't doubt that there is an element of punishment, which can take more than one form

For me, for the most part, the transition from anger to sadness is mediated by helplessness. I see helplessness as a form of fear, that drains energy to the point that a person can't react. Fear can also mobilize. I'm wordy here because I'm figuring out new territory arising from the old, and I don't want to err too flagrantly. I'm also a feelings person, highly intuitive, who has more or less learned that intuition generally needs some sort of evaluative thought to balance.

I'm feeling pretty helpless now due to illness and lack of support from those whose job it is to do that properly. But, I've been reading what you wrote and letting it sink into my subconscious, and below that. Well, there was an eruption, which is how it works.

There are two unrelated kids in my building. A girl about 3 1/2, and a boy of maybe 12 or 13. I might have mentioned them before. I love them both, and did the minute I saw them. That's the way it often is with me. Why? Because I'm looking for something undefinable, and they have it. I also look for kindness, though that is something else, and can take me more time to see over time.

Because I was not respected by parents as a kid, I've grown to be exceptionally mindful of boundaries, and for that reason, can be somewhat standoffish. This is not the same or in any way similar to my lack of deep interest in most people I meet. I had two separate interactions with these children recently, during which I was shown emotional affection of the most genuine kind, and pulled back as if struck with a cattle prod in one instance, and distanced myself from the other child which confused her, but she knows I like her and we parted that day on good terms. It's the same reaction I had when offered a great job opportunity, or anything really wonderful. I'm not talking perfect. I'm referring to an introduction or challenge that can bring happiness. It happened with trainman too, even as I was fighting to keep an even keel, and succeeding. If he had turned around, after his subtle invite that confused me, if he had continued walking but stretched out his hand beckoning me to follow, I could have moved. It would have taken a lot. I was sitting next to fm in the train's dining car. But fm couldn't have seen the moves I describe. In a normal situation, someone I care for deeply has to make physical contact with me to shake me out of an inertia of fear, or otherwise lead me to feel safe. Otherwise, I freeze. There are lesser examples of this, which I do have some control over. It wasn't that the people were deficient; it was that I was in abusive situations (living with mother or with fm) that also had a sustaining feature. It was that a behavior had been established and over recent years has been nurtured by bad situations that should not have been so.

The mother could go from what she called affection (I don't know what it was) to v**l*nc* in a heartbeat. She was n*ts. FM, my most trusted friend, who said he hoped I'd find love....., did everything he could to utterly destroy any chance of that friendship because my happiness had to be bestowed upon me by him, or else.
He lied, and thr**t*n*d me, and the other person. He made me feel isolated. He wants me to come live with him or near him.... I have refused. I can't do that. I can't be on a leash anymore.

I figured out behavioral reflexes in Al-Anon. One key is to slow the situation, in order to prevent this from happening. This particular reflex is too fast, and was learned in very early childhood. I put that together between last night and this morning. It's a root hair from the negative introject I've been dealing with. I knew there was something attached. I found it. Because of the martial arts work, and the way I approached it, I'm able to handle anger unless I feel directly thr**t*ned. If that were not so, I would be careful. I test myself every once in a while.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't see anything. It just came to me right now. Charity, are you afraid of your own anger? Is that why you can't release it, and one reason (not the whole) you seem to keep a safe space, if an enforced one. I might be too simplistic, or way off. It occurred to me. I don't mind if you don't feel like replying.

From what I've read, you're working very hard even if it might not look like you are. You have a history of denial, and there could be lapses. By writing here and admitting what you did and what you needed in another post, you showed on your end some of the progress made that T was referring to. You have a ways to go, and I think you have good leadership. At some point you can take another step.
I wish fm had been able to do that, stop fooling himself and trying to fool me. But he can't. He doesn't want to enough. He needs appearances.

I hope what I wrote was as helpful to you as it was to me to compose. I'm not editing because in doing so I might make it so obtuse that neither of us could make sense of it.

I'll write again. Wishing you and All of MDs well,
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