This question about feeling alone

[dragonfairy]

The People,

No worries about puns...lol. I never take things personal. Our host is lesbian and well many of us inside can go different ways as well. So anyways to try and answer your question here. To be honest being with another DID person it was both a blessing and a curse. To start out we all were so happy that we finally could be just us. It was the greatest thing we ever experienced. But then we all realized that there was not enough time in the day for everyone to have a "real" life out here.

So how do you choose who gets to have one and who does not. How do you choose who can even just have friends out here and who can't if they do so choose not to want a relationship. Because see the tricky part became when we all realized wait with two systems this meant we all didn't have to be alone the rest of our lives. We could for once actually have a life with another partner of our choice. So then became the game of trying to schedule visits for everyone. For the first year or maybe less most of the time it went well. But then as time passed the two hosts would get upset as they would hardly get time together let alone with their children as you see they both had biological kids as well. So we then all began to suffer as we had to back off in order for them to have time out more. Then we became angry and didn't want to loose what we had finally gotten for the first time in our lives. So became a struggle for power to host. You see our system has 21 and hers had 25 so that set us up for tons of options.

When the two hosts would fight we would host more and more and it gave us the ability to do as we wanted and the bio kids never really knew the difference in the beginning. Or at least her son didn't but "our" daughter did at times as she was older. We found as we hosted more we became stronger and she became weaker and well we liked it more and more and started to refusing to let her host. Which at times back fired on us as well when we would fall.

When times were good they were good but when they were bad they were really bad. In the end I have to say I speak for all of us insiders we lost because when the two hosts broke it off we were not allowed a goodbye or anything. All contact was prohibited and we were simply locked away as if we never existed to each other. Some of us had been together for a short time but some had actually said wedding vows to one another and that was the hardest of all.

Some were care takers for kids in the other system and vise versa so the kids really got hurt in a lot of ways and rarely trust anyone anymore. So for our kids to post here is a big thing. But as you see they only post to other kids as they trust no one anymore. So it is a gamble when you get with another multiple for sure.

For me personally it made me more angry and more resentful at the host. It has made me take charge more and host more and more as well as the others. We push her out of the way and do as we please. We figure she took our lives away without asking so now it's our time to take hers if we so well please. She is now trying to get into another relationship and if we want we can screw it up with a snap as we have been doing for 2 1/2 yrs but we haven't decided yet as honestly some are getting lonely. And although they wouldn't be with the new person at least it wouldn't be us alone anymore.

Sorry I wrote a book here I guess but it is a hard subject for us still even after all this time. Just because we were never allowed closure and that was something that was always promised us no matter how the two of them ended. And I think we all deserved that much as we weren't the ones who had the issues. As NONE of us insiders ever so much as had an argument ironically with our partners!!!

Katie