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This question about feeling alone - The People - 08-18-2013
Last night something happened that I had no wish to get into with regards to details. I was having a good day. Even did some cleaning and writing and some other stuff prior to going out for a few hours. That few hours pulled the rug out from under me.
As a result of this (it was the last straw) I quit my volunteering; working one last shift before moving on to other things. However nothing changes. When things get bad they get very bad. So bad thoughts of various kinds creep in. Saved by a binge because he food I chose was frozen and that freezer happened to be busted - I actually was the one who reported it. I went to another store and wandered around until I realized that I really didn't want to do that. I came home and crawled into bed. Sometimes I would write my T when I was feeling that bad but could not bring myself to do so.
There was a multi-leveled rejection which left me feeling as if I do not fit in anywhere. It makes me want to just hide under the covers. I sat my alarm for church and the bell has long since run yet here I sit.
I am going to crawl back into bed; I have been playing games on Facebook; another place where it is easy to claim someone as a 'friend' but 3Dconversations are unable to happen.
I don't think I am the only one who feels this way as others have gone through it as well. But how do people deal with a sense of rejection and isolation? It makes it worse that I am an extrovert who has lost a lot of friends through various means over the past while.
I do not mean to diminish the relationships I make here, or even on Facebook. They keep me going. However, while one can go for coffee with their computer (laptop) it is not the same as having a body in the next chair.
I just feel so alone. And it hurts. And sometimes I guess there is nothing that I can do to fix it except to wait it out.
RE: This question about feeling alone - MakersDozn - 08-18-2013
Just letting you know that we too often feel isolated and alone. The mainstream world does not understand our reality. If it weren't for MM and our T, we don't know what we'd do.
We wish we had a more helpful answer.
MDs
RE: This question about feeling alone - Blue - 08-18-2013
Yo. I feel very much alone most of the time. i have no friends (other than our host) an nobody seems to understand me. Except for on here. i really value the people on here. But yea, it's f***in hard not havin that person by your side. I do actually have my host's partner, Antonio to talk to but he mostly takes the mick out a me an he doesn't really understand, though i do value his bein there. it's really hard cos i feel i am fallin for him and yet, he doesn't belong to me. Sometimes i feel i am going crazy cos of him.
I guess, reading back my post to myself, i am lucky that i have Antonio to talk to. It's just hard when i have such strong feelings for him, knowin he loves our host, not me. But i shouldn't be complainin. At least he's there.
Sorry ya feelin so alone. Sending waves of comfort your way.
Blue.
RE: This question about feeling alone - The People - 08-18-2013
(08-18-2013, 07:11 PM)Blue Wrote: Yo. I feel very much alone most of the time. i have no friends (other than our host) an nobody seems to understand me. Except for on here. i really value the people on here. But yea, it's f***in hard not havin that person by your side. I do actually have my host's partner, Antonio to talk to but he mostly takes the mick out a me an he doesn't really understand, though i do value his bein there. it's really hard cos i feel i am fallin for him and yet, he doesn't belong to me. Sometimes i feel i am going crazy cos of him.
I guess, reading back my post to myself, i am lucky that i have Antonio to talk to. It's just hard when i have such strong feelings for him, knowin he loves our host, not me. But i shouldn't be complainin. At least he's there.
Sorry ya feelin so alone. Sending waves of comfort your way.
Blue.
It is my guess that he loves all of you; just in different ways. Just like siblings or a parent in a family of wife and kids... If you were to ask him, and if he is a good man, he would say what I said. And you all share the same body. I don't have good advice on this but IMO because you share the body it is not a bad thing that you care for him. It is not like he is married to an outside FM.
RE: This question about feeling alone - dragonfairy - 08-19-2013
I think most of us here feel isolated and alone a lot of the time. I know we tend to feel more at home and amongst friends here at MM then any other place. At least here we are understood and not judged like in the outside world. Out there it's common to make friends but never keep them long as they dont understand why we are the way we are and why we tend to flake out so much on things we really do intend to do but just never tend to make it to. Friendships themselves are hard enough but relationships are a whole different ball of wax so to speak. We have only been able to have one so far that lasted for almost 4 years and that was with another woman like us so there was no explaining to do and it was easy to still be us. but otherwise we simply stay to ourselves and isolate talking to "friends" on the computer each and every day. wish we had some magical advice for you Blue. Sorry I am not more helpful tonight/today. no sleep in two days kinda kickin my butt. hit me up after some rest and maybe i will be better with it..lol
Katie
RE: This question about feeling alone - The People - 08-20-2013
(08-19-2013, 06:15 AM)dragonfairy Wrote: I think most of us here feel isolated and alone a lot of the time. I know we tend to feel more at home and amongst friends here at MM then any other place. At least here we are understood and not judged like in the outside world. Out there it's common to make friends but never keep them long as they dont understand why we are the way we are and why we tend to flake out so much on things we really do intend to do but just never tend to make it to. Friendships themselves are hard enough but relationships are a whole different ball of wax so to speak. We have only been able to have one so far that lasted for almost 4 years and that was with another woman like us so there was no explaining to do and it was easy to still be us. but otherwise we simply stay to ourselves and isolate talking to "friends" on the computer each and every day. wish we had some magical advice for you Blue. Sorry I am not more helpful tonight/today. no sleep in two days kinda kickin my butt. hit me up after some rest and maybe i will be better with it..lol
Katie
I am curious Katie. Answer as much as you want to - standard rule for answering personal questions. However, I would be interested in knowing how you did with a partner also DID - no pun intended. I have met others here who tried this with varied results. Sometimes I think that would be the perfect solution but at other times I think it would be utter chaos. Well, I guess that can be said about any sort of relationship.
RE: This question about feeling alone - dragonfairy - 08-20-2013
The People,
No worries about puns...lol. I never take things personal. Our host is lesbian and well many of us inside can go different ways as well. So anyways to try and answer your question here. To be honest being with another DID person it was both a blessing and a curse. To start out we all were so happy that we finally could be just us. It was the greatest thing we ever experienced. But then we all realized that there was not enough time in the day for everyone to have a "real" life out here.
So how do you choose who gets to have one and who does not. How do you choose who can even just have friends out here and who can't if they do so choose not to want a relationship. Because see the tricky part became when we all realized wait with two systems this meant we all didn't have to be alone the rest of our lives. We could for once actually have a life with another partner of our choice. So then became the game of trying to schedule visits for everyone. For the first year or maybe less most of the time it went well. But then as time passed the two hosts would get upset as they would hardly get time together let alone with their children as you see they both had biological kids as well. So we then all began to suffer as we had to back off in order for them to have time out more. Then we became angry and didn't want to loose what we had finally gotten for the first time in our lives. So became a struggle for power to host. You see our system has 21 and hers had 25 so that set us up for tons of options.
When the two hosts would fight we would host more and more and it gave us the ability to do as we wanted and the bio kids never really knew the difference in the beginning. Or at least her son didn't but "our" daughter did at times as she was older. We found as we hosted more we became stronger and she became weaker and well we liked it more and more and started to refusing to let her host. Which at times back fired on us as well when we would fall.
When times were good they were good but when they were bad they were really bad. In the end I have to say I speak for all of us insiders we lost because when the two hosts broke it off we were not allowed a goodbye or anything. All contact was prohibited and we were simply locked away as if we never existed to each other. Some of us had been together for a short time but some had actually said wedding vows to one another and that was the hardest of all.
Some were care takers for kids in the other system and vise versa so the kids really got hurt in a lot of ways and rarely trust anyone anymore. So for our kids to post here is a big thing. But as you see they only post to other kids as they trust no one anymore. So it is a gamble when you get with another multiple for sure.
For me personally it made me more angry and more resentful at the host. It has made me take charge more and host more and more as well as the others. We push her out of the way and do as we please. We figure she took our lives away without asking so now it's our time to take hers if we so well please. She is now trying to get into another relationship and if we want we can screw it up with a snap as we have been doing for 2 1/2 yrs but we haven't decided yet as honestly some are getting lonely. And although they wouldn't be with the new person at least it wouldn't be us alone anymore.
Sorry I wrote a book here I guess but it is a hard subject for us still even after all this time. Just because we were never allowed closure and that was something that was always promised us no matter how the two of them ended. And I think we all deserved that much as we weren't the ones who had the issues. As NONE of us insiders ever so much as had an argument ironically with our partners!!!
Katie
RE: This question about feeling alone - Blue - 08-21-2013
Yo Katie. I really feel for ya chick. I've only experienced a very small version of what you're describing when recently Antonio (host's partner) said he didn't wanna see any of us anymore, including me, after spending a hell of alot of precious time together. I aint ever felt heartbreak like that before. He is the most important person in my existence and it felt like he'd ripped me heart out and stamped all over it!! Luckily for me he's taken that back now and says he don't mind me bein around, but he don't want anythin to do with the others. Especially Sarah, who keeps gettin him into trouble with our host.
Cheers The people. Your post really makes me feel a lot better. I'd like to think that he loves us all in his own way, even if he don't ever say it.
Blue.
RE: This question about feeling alone - Cammy - 08-21-2013
Most of us have probably felt we have never fit in anywhere. When we are so different inside this feeling is inevitable. I hope that People feels better soon. We are all so sensitive to feeling rejected/discarded/invalidated.
RE: This question about feeling alone - Blue - 08-21-2013
Innit Igraine. That is so true.
Blue.
RE: This question about feeling alone - The People - 08-28-2013
(08-20-2013, 07:35 PM)dragonfairy Wrote: The People,
No worries about puns...lol. I never take things personal. Our host is lesbian and well many of us inside can go different ways as well. So anyways to try and answer your question here. To be honest being with another DID person it was both a blessing and a curse. To start out we all were so happy that we finally could be just us. It was the greatest thing we ever experienced. But then we all realized that there was not enough time in the day for everyone to have a "real" life out here.
So how do you choose who gets to have one and who does not. How do you choose who can even just have friends out here and who can't if they do so choose not to want a relationship. Because see the tricky part became when we all realized wait with two systems this meant we all didn't have to be alone the rest of our lives. We could for once actually have a life with another partner of our choice. So then became the game of trying to schedule visits for everyone. For the first year or maybe less most of the time it went well. But then as time passed the two hosts would get upset as they would hardly get time together let alone with their children as you see they both had biological kids as well. So we then all began to suffer as we had to back off in order for them to have time out more. Then we became angry and didn't want to loose what we had finally gotten for the first time in our lives. So became a struggle for power to host. You see our system has 21 and hers had 25 so that set us up for tons of options.
When the two hosts would fight we would host more and more and it gave us the ability to do as we wanted and the bio kids never really knew the difference in the beginning. Or at least her son didn't but "our" daughter did at times as she was older. We found as we hosted more we became stronger and she became weaker and well we liked it more and more and started to refusing to let her host. Which at times back fired on us as well when we would fall.
When times were good they were good but when they were bad they were really bad. In the end I have to say I speak for all of us insiders we lost because when the two hosts broke it off we were not allowed a goodbye or anything. All contact was prohibited and we were simply locked away as if we never existed to each other. Some of us had been together for a short time but some had actually said wedding vows to one another and that was the hardest of all.
Some were care takers for kids in the other system and vise versa so the kids really got hurt in a lot of ways and rarely trust anyone anymore. So for our kids to post here is a big thing. But as you see they only post to other kids as they trust no one anymore. So it is a gamble when you get with another multiple for sure.
For me personally it made me more angry and more resentful at the host. It has made me take charge more and host more and more as well as the others. We push her out of the way and do as we please. We figure she took our lives away without asking so now it's our time to take hers if we so well please. She is now trying to get into another relationship and if we want we can screw it up with a snap as we have been doing for 2 1/2 yrs but we haven't decided yet as honestly some are getting lonely. And although they wouldn't be with the new person at least it wouldn't be us alone anymore.
Sorry I wrote a book here I guess but it is a hard subject for us still even after all this time. Just because we were never allowed closure and that was something that was always promised us no matter how the two of them ended. And I think we all deserved that much as we weren't the ones who had the issues. As NONE of us insiders ever so much as had an argument ironically with our partners!!!
Katie
Two informs the kitties that nobody is sleeping in our bed besides us, the kitties, and [names of stuffed animals]
RE: This question about feeling alone - MakersDozn - 08-29-2013
(08-28-2013, 05:49 PM)The People Wrote: Two informs the kitties that nobody is sleeping in our bed besides us, the kitties, and [names of stuffed animals]
We resemble that remark. We have almost as many stuffies on the bed as we have insiders.
MDs
RE: This question about feeling alone - dreamers - 09-05-2013
yep feeling very isolated too atm and it just f*ck*ng sucks. I'll sit with you if you like
RE: This question about feeling alone - The People - 09-06-2013
(09-05-2013, 05:00 AM)dreamers Wrote: yep feeling very isolated too atm and it just f*ck*ng sucks. I'll sit with you if you like
Hi Dreamers. Don't think we have met but thanks for stopping by. Or did you used to post under another name?