Rules/agreement inside

[TigerLilly]

We have an ongoing issue of everyone inside wanting to be in control and wanting to do what they think is right. The result is that insiders do things that cause anxiety and chaos for the rest of us, like run up our credit card bill buying clothing they want, going out and partying, skipping therapy appointments, travelling to other states, etc. We have had so many people tell us that there needs to be an agreement on rules inside, but it is almost impossible to get agreement on anything. Everyone thinks they are right and it's their way or the highway. I was wondering if anyone here has had success forming and maintaining some agreement inside that helps to limit some of the outside chaos? I know everyone inside thinks they are doing what is right and is trying to help, but it's not exactly working!
Ciao!
TigerLilly

[orek]

Hi, TigerLilly--We've been gone a while from the site, so I don't think we've met. Glad to meet new people here!

We haven't experienced what you describe--thankfully. It sounds scary and chaotic! Of course it's anxiety-producing. Makes perfect sense. Sorry we can't relate, but we do want to lend our kudos and support to your desire to come to some amicable rules/agreements to reduce the stress for all of you.Maybe there's an insider or more who has some ideas on how to get everyone together--or at least the main "players"--to come to some sort of compromise. Good luck!

[nats]

we are highly-functioning by most definitions, but we are not a democracy. we never got agreement in that sort of nice sitdown-and-talk-it-through-then-everything-will-work way. one of our strongest fronters has her own way of doing things and interacting that caused fear and dangerous problems for others of us. she saw no reason to change b/c she had a lot of fun and was quite able to ignore the consequences. the rest of us not so much. a few years ago the kids took her and put her to sleep somewhere. we don't know how or where. it solved the problem, but took away the one person who was good with people and enjoyed socialising. i don't know if she'll ever come back. so, democratic discussion is better and is what we'd recommend, but in our system safety trumps all.

[orek]

(09-19-2014, 09:16 AM)nats Wrote: we are highly-functioning by most definitions, but we are not a democracy. we never got agreement in that sort of nice sitdown-and-talk-it-through-then-everything-will-work way. one of our strongest fronters has her own way of doing things and interacting that caused fear and dangerous problems for others of us. she saw no reason to change b/c she had a lot of fun and was quite able to ignore the consequences. the rest of us not so much. a few years ago the kids took her and put her to sleep somewhere. we don't know how or where. it solved the problem, but took away the one person who was good with people and enjoyed socialising. i don't know if she'll ever come back. so, democratic discussion is better and is what we'd recommend, but in our system safety trumps all.

Wow, how clever of your kids, nats! But how sad that a spontaneous, social part of yourself(ves) is now out of reach and asleep. For us it'd be like having Davis gone. We've come to rely on her energy, humour, and ease with "fun" social situations. But we've had insiders go into deep sleep for safety reasons before, and it's never been permanent. I believe your fronter's still there. When the time is right, I'm betting you'll see her again.

I also think that safety is the primary concern for every system--the very reason we each dissociated, in a way. Safety looks different for everyone, though, as does each of our particular ways of trying to procure "it"--or at least our perception of what it would look like--against what feels like ridiculous odds. .... What am I on about? Sorry. Sometimes we ramble. :p

[MakersDozn]

We too are high-functioning, but we often have clashes inside with regard to desires and opinions. This is further complicated by the fact that our older teens are more equipped to deal with the outside world than our bigs are, and this disparity causes resentment and adds to the internal conflict. But that dynamic is a topic for another (or several other) threads.

What we've found is that no matter how fair or democratic a system is, somebody with good judgment and the ability to deal with the outside needs to be in charge. Several insiders in our system have had this job over the years, with varying results. Our goal is still to have all of the bigs participating actively as a governing group, but that is quite a way off.

Hoping you're able to do what's best for you.

MDs

[TigerLilly]

Hey everyone,
Sorry I haven't had time to reply sooner. It's been a hectic few weeks! Thanks so much for the suggestions. We too are high functioning (at least according to the outside world!). We hold down a fairly high pressure full time job and are pretty active in our community. I think in some sense that is what makes the time loss so scary because there are a lot of expectations put on us and I am always scared of other people "finding out." I think that it is definitely true that when safety is involved it can't always be democratic and nice. I think for us, it's the difficulty of communicating and finding the balance between giving voice to insiders who are younger and being firm that when safety is in question (and to me safety includes risking losing our job or damaging our reputation) that an adult absolutely needs to be in charge. That balance is always hard to strike for us though. We are always going to far to one side or the other and both result in chaos for our system. Maybe it needs to be more of a firm negotiation than an agreement, because I think trying to find agreement will just leave us in chaos.
TigerLilly

[The People]

Hi Tigerlilly. First, we like your name. Second, we have inside rules for many things. They have been made to keep us on track. Our T says that it may also be because the rules in the growing up house were never followed. Some of our littles disagree with the rules as such but that is the way of a child. Tw who Is our youngest feels that it is unfair because she was here first but usually backs down if we don't. Good luck. Hope you come back again. I don't know why your postings are all squished.

[FreyasSpirit]

We don't have any explicit rules, but in general before taking any big actions which another may object to, we ask "is everyone ok with this?"  Often, there is a no and it takes a couple iterations to talk through it.  Sometimes, the objector almost immediately thinks about it again and no longer has a problem with it.  Other times, it comes from someone who is much more established and has more specific objections.  In these cases, we weigh the benefit for one against the harm it could cause to another.  

One example is that Lucia would love to shave our head, but doing so would make Lilith immensely dysphoric.  As a result, we will not shave our head unless Lililth is ok with it because it would be a small benefit for Lucia and significantly bad for Lililth.  We just checked this again and Lililth seemed much less dysphoric about the idea of a shaved head so these preferences can change over time.  

Another example with a more specific example is that we were considering giving our 6 year old, luna a capital letter (root access to the system), but Lililth objected, stating that capital letters were reserved for those who can function as an adult.

[nats]

sounds like a great compromise FreyasSpirit!