Still Feeling Chaotic Inside

[MakersDozn]

We're still having trouble sorting through the chaos that's been plaguing our system for the last three years or so. We've made some progress, but it's painfully slow, and the emotions are so raw that this leaves us drained and barely able to get through the day.

We noticed that it's been about two weeks since we've posted here. This is unlike us; we've been used to making MM a part of our daily life for the past 16 years. But we get so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted trying to get through each day that we have no energy to do much of anything beyond go to work, go to T, and do the minimum necessary to keep one foot ahead of the other.

We need to get back on track. But it's easier said than done.

MDs

[mosaic]

be gentle with yourselves.

[nats]

hi MDs, over the years we've known you guys we think you're amazing. you accomplish a huge amount and don't always give yourselves credit. as mosaic said, be gentle with yourselves. you'll get there.

[MakersDozn]

Thanks, both of you. We know that things will eventually get better. But just because we know that there's a way out of the sewer doesn't mean all the sh*t doesn't stink while we're in there.

It would help if we were less negative. But we're very discouraged.

Laura and others

[tweeter]

Indeed, it is easier said than done.
We are all engaged in quests for understanding, and acquiring the means to affect constructive changes for a genuine life, according to what we are. There are individual needs as regards time frame(s), which I feel you recognize. Societal/governmental dysfunctionality (for which I have strong words not to be spoken here) is not conducive to personal development.

I would suggest, figuratively, that you remember your water wings for swimming thru this. Choose the most cheery and colorful pair, and take time to smile at them and at yourselves.
tweets

[Katz Krew]

Sending you bunches of flowers to help you remember the happy they still exists even when you can't see it.

<3
Jamie of Katz Krew

[MakersDozn]

Thanks again, tweeter and Jamie.

We're hanging in, and we're working hard in T.

MDs

[jamdjohnson]

sometimes progress seems slow. I think tweeter and Jamie are right. Important to be gentle with yourself and reward yourself for the victory everyday you are making of continuing to never give up. Always keep trying. I like the moments when I realize just how far I have come and know despite the slow times- it is worth it.

[Cammy]

Hey MD. Sorry for all that's happening to you right now. I agree with everyone who has suggested just being gentle and compassionate with yourself, and not expecting any more than you can manage right now. Just keep doing only what's needed to get through the day since that in itself is a huge mountain that you have to climb every day after you get out of bed. Take every second of down time you can find and don't feel a bit guilty about it...it's important that you take care of you. Every chance to nap, spend extra time in bed, lie on the sofa...grab it and use it. Treat yourself like you have the flu...you know the drill. Rest, rest, rest, as little that needs to be done as possible, keep feeding yourself one way or another...just take really good care. Hope you feel better soon.

[MakersDozn]

Hi again all, and thanks.

Making some progress in T. Feeling an increased level of trust there, but trust is scary, because we don't want to risk (1) having that trust abused or (2) making poor judgments based on having achieved that trust. But we're making just enough progress, barely detectable, to keep moving.

MDs

[tweeter]

(04-12-2013, 06:25 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Hi again all, and thanks.

Making some progress in T. Feeling an increased level of trust there, but trust is scary, because we don't want to risk (1) having that trust abused or (2) making poor judgments based on having achieved that trust. But we're making just enough progress, barely detectable, to keep moving.

MDs

Very well said! Broken down into (1) and (2). I sincerely mean the compliment. Underlying sarcasm due to recent experience, encompassing both categories, with medical professionals (or sh*t heads), whichever nomenclature feels right. I'm still in one piece after about 4 weeks of the nonsense.. I'll discuss in another thread.

I'm impressed by your description: "just enough progress, barely detectable, to keep moving." It was like a ray of sunshine.

I've been working very hard, first following the bread crumbs back to what I was as a sweet and spunky very little girl. Then, development thru adversity encountered, to an almost too late re-centering of location in time of self (back to my natural self), and how I was jarred back and forth before settling. Unfortunately, I let someone in on this who didn't understand me, and didn't care to. Each movement back and forth within led to further dislodging of a disruptive negative introject. It was a rocky road. The learning process as to what to do defensively without it had seemed interminably stuck.

I'm in go forward, now obviously, because of the latest challenge. Sometimes you don't know when a major building block has been properly placed until you need to install supporting beams, windows, a roof, flowers.
These times are deserving of the cynical, of poor expectations. But, the unexpected relief of feeling good in self even though a lot in life is lousy, makes the effort worth it.

In very small steps, I am doing much better according to what is normal for me, not what someone else wants me to be. The war, that one at least, is over. The fact that I don't fit in with current society is okay, because modern times are truly insane and I'm not. I haven't changed my opinions of people, though they have more dimensions. But, in some ways I've changed how I act. Less edgy, though I can still tell someone off, it's different. It's very straightforward, but I don't have words for it yet and I don't know whether I will. Doesn't matter. Ongoing.

I know our situations are not identical. I wish to offer encouragement because progress in such things shows itself somewhat differently, at least for me. I'm deeply happy with what I've accomplished. This is not euphoria. It's self-acceptance, flaws and all, and wanting to improve according to what I need to do to grow into what I should have been to the extent I can in my time.

I would strongly suggest that you drop the "negative" concept. FM's boyfriend, and then fm, were fond of calling me negative because I would not comply. There are plenty of other examples. I don't know why this happened to me and I can't afford the time to play with it. I can work on correcting the derailing. It's very easy to turn projected negativity on the self, which can increase whatever characteristics are being referred to.
There's a heck of a difference between being negative and needing to defend self (but not being sure how to do this without acting in a way that is interpreted as negative), and really finding fault with everything. The problem, or part of it for me, was that I was raised by someone whose view of me was negative, not because I was. You don't have to replace the word with another. I mean, I didn't. Just drop it.

I'm proud of you all,
tweeter

[nats]

(04-13-2013, 02:20 PM)tweeter Wrote: ...The problem, or part of it for me, was that I was raised by someone whose view of me was negative, not because I was..

feels like there's something important for us that i'm not quite grasping but is there in your post. hope it becomes clearer to me, but even if not, the sentence above hits home clearly. thanks!

[tweeter]

Hi nats,
My last paragraph was a pip, starting with "There's a heck of a difference..." That's what happens when the words are not quite there yet. I'm also problem solving at the same time on something different. Thank you for bringing the lack of clarity to my attention. There might still be a lot lost in translation from levels of consciousness, but I gave it another try, including what is not in my experience. See if this is any clearer.
__________

There's a heck of a difference between refusing the influence of another person (who views you as negative because of that refusal), and seeming to really find fault with everything in life, without that specific interaction occurring.
With an adversarial relationship, there's a need to defend, often when not being sure how to do this without acting in a way that you were told is negative thinking that cannot be justified. My experience with a perfectionist parent can be included in this category. Whatever is not in agreement, is deemed negative, and negative = st*p*d.
Thing is, that being pushed into a defensive position over time can yield a more negative person, even in the individual's self image. A person's "No" becomes a survival mechanism (preservation of sense of self), which can continue as a maladaptive reflex. (This is oversimplified.)
On a more serious note, I'm wondering if a child might maintain negative verbal and nonverbal feelings towards more than one situation, and they get lumped together for the sake of trying to be safe.

tweeter

[nats]

thanks for taking the effort to clarify this tweeter. this describes my feelings towards father - not that he was a perfectionist, certainly not with himself, but the aspect of never being enough, either right enough or good enough, was there. the adversarial relationship along with the attitude that it was my fault was always there, just didn't put my finger on a major reason why the way you have.

[tweeter]

Glad to make that effort. In this certainly not the best of all possible worlds, times when there is mutual cooperation and discussion without one-up-man-ship (and all that involves), are a relief. I have appreciated your input to other members as well, lots of times.
Good work, everyone,
tweeter