Friendships and trust

[Tangled Web]

Well I recently handed in a resume of a friend of mine to my work. She is considered a close friend to me. She knows about my "others". I am scared now though. Oh and she got the job.
My work life and my personal life are completely separate from one another and now she is a piece of my personal life coming into my work life and it is freaking me out. I am NOT the same person as I am outside of work. Work is totally different. I have explained that to her, but I don't think she understands the importance of it to me. I know I have to have another conversation with her about this but I don't know how to right now. I want her to work there but then I don't. I don't know how to trust enough that she will not blow the lid off my life completely and tell my coworkers about my life.........or say something to me in front of others that will cause them to ask questions. I don't think she would purposely do anything to hurt me. I am just very worried.
Tangled

[nats]

Hi TW,
Would hate this too. We actually have no personal life right now so wouldn't be an issue but there have been times when this would have really been upsetting. we have no advice - guess its about feelings and how to deal with them - hope it works out well!

[Elizabethn]

I'd be freaked out, too. Hopefully she will understand the concept of strict boundaries. How is your relationship outside of work? Does she keep confidences well? Does she respect whatever boundaries you set in other circumstances?

[Tangled Web]

(09-14-2012, 03:39 PM)nats Wrote: Hi TW,
Would hate this too. We actually have no personal life right now so wouldn't be an issue but there have been times when this would have really been upsetting. we have no advice - guess its about feelings and how to deal with them - hope it works out well!

Thanks nats. I don't have much of a social/personal life either. I have been working ALOT lately. I am just waiting I guess to see what happens.
TW

[Tangled Web]

(09-15-2012, 11:12 AM)Elizabethn Wrote: I'd be freaked out, too. Hopefully she will understand the concept of strict boundaries. How is your relationship outside of work? Does she keep confidences well? Does she respect whatever boundaries you set in other circumstances?

Hi EN. Thanks for responding. Well when I see her outside of work it is just the two of us usually. I don't interact with her friends anymore. I found it difficult because I didn't know what they knew.....or what she had told them. I know she did tell her one good friend about me at one time a very long time ago which we did talk about and I was upset with her for doing that. She makes things out to be jokes so it is very hard to be serious or to get a serious conversation with her at times. (not jokes in a bad way, she actually helps make things a little lighter and not so serious all the time).
I have never really interacted with her inside my world, I guess I keep things pretty separate.
I did talk to my boss about her orientation and she told me I would not be able to orientate her because of our relationship.
My boss also told me at that time that the reason they hired her was because of my reference. I guess I hold pretty high standings there with management, which I was happy to learn but I also feel more pressure now. So many what ifs..........and I just wish it didn't bother me so much. Or be so conflicted. This is more my issues I think that are coming through than hers. And I can't see or judge the boundary thing because of my issues.
Not sure if that makes sense or not but I don't know any other way to explain it.
Thanks for listening.
Tangled

[Elizabethn]

Oh that makes a LOT of sense to me. I struggle frequently, okay VERY frequently, with trying to figure out what is "my" stuff getting in the way, what's "normal," etc. So I get bothered about some things that apparently don't bother other people much. I'm dealing with that in a job situation right now, in fact. I'm supervising some people who are doing things that, to me, are so childish as to be unthinkable, but I don't know what's the appropriate way to go about addressing them.

In my mind, they should KNOW BETTER than to do this stupid crap, so I wonder if I'd be totally out of line to say something as OBVIOUS as, "The refreshments provided by our boss are for consumption during the work shift, NOT for you to stuff in your pockets and take home." (Yeah, it really is that ridiculous, and no, these are not "impaired" people.) I'm like WTF should I have to SAY that stuff? And on the other hand, if I were running the show I'd fire their behinds for theft.

BUT I have no clue what's normal. So I obsess and worry about it. It seems so dumb, but it's that wondering about what's "normal" that trips me up a lot.

[MakersDozn]

EN,

We hear you about the food stealing. A co-worker keeps an ample supply of various goodies in her cubicle for folks to share. People would walk away with entire bags of Jelly Bellies. She had to start restricting some items to a few of us that she knew wouldn't hog stuff.

Some people just don't "get it."

MDs

[nats]

seconding MDs - there are almost always people like that in any office, and some amount of it is norm rather than exception unfortunately.

[Tangled Web]

(09-20-2012, 11:13 PM)Elizabethn Wrote: Oh that makes a LOT of sense to me. I struggle frequently, okay VERY frequently, with trying to figure out what is "my" stuff getting in the way, what's "normal," etc. So I get bothered about some things that apparently don't bother other people much. I'm dealing with that in a job situation right now, in fact. I'm supervising some people who are doing things that, to me, are so childish as to be unthinkable, but I don't know what's the appropriate way to go about addressing them.

In my mind, they should KNOW BETTER than to do this stupid crap, so I wonder if I'd be totally out of line to say something as OBVIOUS as, "The refreshments provided by our boss are for consumption during the work shift, NOT for you to stuff in your pockets and take home." (Yeah, it really is that ridiculous, and no, these are not "impaired" people.) I'm like WTF should I have to SAY that stuff? And on the other hand, if I were running the show I'd fire their behinds for theft.

BUT I have no clue what's normal. So I obsess and worry about it. It seems so dumb, but it's that wondering about what's "normal" that trips me up a lot.

EN, I can totally understand what you are saying! I have no idea what "normal" is either and it trips me up ALL the time! I obess and worry about it too. I used to think that everything I learned from my parents wasn't normal and used that to judge things but I can't do that anymore........the lines that have been drawn in sand are just too confusing. Things I thought that were normal are no longer normal and things I thought weren't normal, I guess are more normal than I thought.........which has totally confused me!
So I hear ya!
Thanks for responding
TW

[nats]

(09-21-2012, 09:09 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Things I thought that were normal are no longer normal and things I thought weren't normal, I guess are more normal than I thought.........which has totally confused me!

SO true . with you 100% on that one...

[orek]

Your response makes total sense to me. I'm so afraid of losing control of information about us that I hate for my work and personal lives to even bump up against each other. For instance, I rave about my chiropractor, but then if someone at work then wants a reference I freak out (inside), because his office is in the same outer office as our T. Even though we warn him and the receptionist not to say anything about our seeing the T, we don't trust it, don't like having this vital info in someone else's hands and having it out of our control. I trust their intentions, but worry about something accidentally said, etc. Luckily the only couple people I referred (because there was no graceful way to refuse to give up my chiro's info) never ended up showing up. *phew*

So having someone working alongside you that knows about you all will be disconcerting and feel unsafe, for sure, even if it's not unsafe. I hope you find over time that your concern lessens and that your friend takes your privacy needs seriously and honors the secrets you have entrusted to her.

Let us know how it goes!

[Tangled Web]

Thanks Orek. Turns out there was a problem and she might not be working there after all. This problem had NOTHING to do with me! Maybe the universe heard of my delimna and made the decision to protect me..........Who knows but as for now she is no longer working there.