We are confused by the housemates

[dreamers]

Hi guys,
We need help figuring out if we should have said it differently when we asked our housemates to warn us about parties ahead of time or if they were just being super mean back for no reason. We tried to remember what T said and use “I messages” like saying what we need instead of saying what others are doing... we just don’t get what went wrong and why she got mad and said we were lying about what we said about us.

So last night, they had a super loud, super long party late at night. One of them said like 5 minutes before it started “ we are having people over so text me if you have issues during our party.

So, when it got so loud that Daniel was having a hard time hearing us we texted her and said exactly “ can you please turn it down some my dad and I are having trouble hearing each other on Skype thanks”

She texts back with “ okay” but never noticeably turned it down. We are very sensitive to sounds and so Daniel could tell we were struggling so he said why don’t you ask her if they can tell you ahead of time next time

So you can leave for the night. They might not know you are sensitive to noise. So, after Daniel and I finish, I texted her again (and this is the one We are confused about because she reacted very aggressively ( emotionally aggressive I mean

We said exactly: In future if you could let me know a day or two ahead of time time when you are going to have a party, it would really help me out because then I can plan to go to my mom’s house. I am sensitive to higher volume levels. So it’s hard for me to be around parties.

She said “ you listen to music all the time so you can’t be sensitive to it. Quit playing games. Yes our music at its loudest can only just be heard in the hallway right outside the interior door of our bedroom (we are renting a bedroom in a 6 story house) according to my pca and the nicer roommates.

Hers by contrast seems to consume all of our space and make it so we cannot hear anything we want to listen to ( so much so that Daniel gets annoyed on Skype) and she’s 2 floors above my room.

So, anyway, should we have worded the bold text differently? Probably because it didn’t quite hear us correctly, we noticed after we sent it that Siri dictation left out the please. However, would that be enough to make it come across as demanding?

We thought we were doing really well to stick with talking about our own issues and how we don’t do well with parties in general but she was still very mean back to us. So we are confused. Thanks

Dreamers,
Middles

[nats]

from this, it doesn't seem like she's purely responding to your text but perhaps having an emotional response to something else as well (e.g. to her perceptions of you/your behaviour generally, to her perceptions of someone/something else that might have been happening at the same time).
your text seems fine by itself, so i suspect her reaction is more about something else and therefore there may not be anything you can do but keep using the i messages and being polite, considerate, and assertive. perhaps try asking her if there is anything going on b/c you were surprised by the tone of her response text and just want to check. depends if you feel up for it though as many people who haven't done t are not aware of their own emotional responses to things.

[dreamers]

Thanks nats,
She said to us in text conversation that we are too young to be here and when we said that we are 37 she said too old. Also, we heard her telling her friends that we don’t belong here with able bodied college students. So, she seems to just not like s because of our wheelchair. She wrongly assumed it was us out of 6 other people living in this house that got her in trouble quite frequently for noise but it wasn’t and actually the person who was emailing the office about her moved out. So if she would stop and think she would realize that no one is emailing the house now and therefore it was never us

[nats]

a lot of people judge us b/c of their preconceptions. we'll never be able to control their perceptions and we can't be responsible for them anyway. all we can do is be the best person we can be for our own selves and if others respond badly then it's on them.

i often check with others, just like you did here, to make sure my behaviour or words were OK. the rest is up to the other person, so well done.

[Five of Hearts]

Hi dreamers
I hope all is well with Daniel.

Certainty does seem there's more going on than just that one text.

I think you said everything just fine.

Constructively, it occurs to me that your timing may have been a little off. That is if you sent the second text whilst the party was still going, she may have misconstrued and felt hounded about the noise.

If she had been drinking then who knows what she was thinking. There's no limit to how things are misconceived if alcohol is involved. Let alone emotionally responded to.

[dreamers]

Hi five of hearts,
Thanks I hadn’t thought of that and yes I did because the party went on until 03:00 Daniel is well thanks for asking. Like I said above I think she thinks I used to get her fined by the manager because of noise but it was not me. I have tried to tell her this but her sisters were the other 2 English speakers and she won’t believe it was one of them

Nats,
Thanks for the feedback. And encouragement you’re right if she won’t believe me there’s nothing I can do

[Five of Hearts]

Hi Dreamers

I'm glad to hear Danial is well.

My gut feeling is that your request for notice of party's in advance my not have sunk in, but i'd give her some cooling off time before approaching that again.

One thing you may wish to consider, could be appealing to the management that notice of party's to all others be compulsory (without naming her).

[dreamers]

Thanks for the idea. I have actually emailed the managers with everything to support my request to move to a new unit. However, that still seems like a sensible policy that they should consider. The complex is under new management as of Monday. So, part of me thinks I should let them settle in before bringing up ideas for new policies and the other half thinks it’s a good time to bring it up because things are in transition anyway. Any thoughts?

[Five of Hearts]

Sounds like you have a proactive action plan in place.

As far as timing go's, I have no idea...

...but probably sooner the better regardless of transition's.

[nats]

agreed. probably no benefit in waiting. you can always send a reminder if you don't hear back.

[The People]

It sounds like you have the wrong roommates. Many people with DID cannot afford to live alone but when we can we do better. Maybe you can start looking for another place to live. If you have to go with other roommates, perhaps go with more mature people. Good luck. Have had my share of horrible people and when I started living alone I really picked up the pace re improving.

[dreamers]

I think we have the wrong roommates too. We were assigned roommates by the management. We are stuck in the lease until September but then yes we are leaving. We have started the search for a new place