Reacting to people relying on you

[The People]

In my present (until Jan 31) apartment building I have a neighbour whose husband will be away for months. She has a lot of medical issues. She is becoming increasingly reliant on me and I am finding it to be increasingly stressful. She was at my door at 9 am after I put in a very bad night. The issues she presented were major and she is relying me to chauffeur her around. She has no money to pay for gas.

I feel trapped. I also find the noises she makes due to the pain to be unbearable. I am not being unsympathetic. I am jus overwhelmed. I don't know if there is a service that can be provided to help her. I don't think so. I move at the end of the month and her issues will not be resolved before then. I will be 10-15 minute drive away and cannot come running when she needs something. Hubby will not be back by then.

I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. When I had my surgery a few years back I had no support. I felt so isolated. so I understand. But I also feel cornered.

[nats]

just wondering, and not that you need to answer - why did hubby go away for months leaving her with no support? he could at least contribute to petrol costs, no? does she really have no other friends/family or is she relying on you because you're there? is it possible that your empathy because of when you were in a similar situation could be convincing you to do more than you're readily able?

[The People]

I have a sinking feeling that he left because he couldn't cope with her clinginess. He is hours away by plane and she says that he has a family crisis he needs to deal with. He did get laid off before he left. Her only family is also a few hours plane ride away and she has had a hard life here. I a quite sure there are MH issues along with the many other things she has going on. But she really does have nobody in this big city. She worked and came home. Her hubby is her life and now he is gone. She is a nice woman but is heavily medicated for pain, something I don't deal with at all. I finally told her that she needed to get set up for the Handicapped bus as I won't always be available for her. She said yes. The 10 minutes later I had another ext. She has another appointment at 1 tomorrow and would I take her? I could walk to the building but she cannot. I have things to do too.

Thank goodness I could reach a friend who knows about my situation. She backed me up and let me know I wasn't being unfair. I used to provide this sort of help for a living but there is a reason why I don't do it anymore. As my friend put it I don't have the elasticity anymore. As my pdoc put it on Tuesday, 2015 was a year of hell. I am exhausted. But I cannot just leave her.

[FreyasSpirit]

Take care of yourself first. In the past, we have overcommitted ourselves in situations like this and let it reach the breaking point where we couldn't handle it any more. At that point, we had to forcibly remove the commitments from our life, resulting in a very ungraceful ending as we suddenly cut ties. In retrospect, if we had respected or even known our limits, we would not have ended up in that situation. These days, we assert boundaries early and often so we do not end up here. The way we think of it is that we can be there for another when they need it, but if they expect us to be there when they only want us there, but do not need us to be there for them, we will be too burned out to be there for them when they actually need it.

Reading about feeling trapped in a caregiver situation being a potential cause of cPTSD also helped us realize that we could never be a long term caregiver for another.

[The People]

You are correct Freyaspirit. Unfortunately this did not unravel as it should have done when I met. Her. The original plan was that I would visit her and help a bit when hubby was working and get paid $100 a week, money much needed. But then he got laid off, took off. She says he is still coming home at end of Feb and I am moving. I shall be slowly cutting ties and make sure I am not always available to her. I did take her out today as I was going out anyway.

[Gim]

(01-07-2016, 10:40 PM)The People Wrote: She backed me up and let me know I wasn't being unfair. I used to provide this sort of help for a living but there is a reason why I don't do it anymore. As my friend put it I don't have the elasticity anymore. As my pdoc put it on Tuesday, 2015 was a year of hell. I am exhausted. But I cannot just leave her.

I like your friend.     I like the comment about not having elasticity.  

Boundaries.  They are soooo freeking hard to stand by. Yet, for your own sanity you need to set them and then keep them.  

Set the boundaries. Aside from guilt and do your very best to keep them.  If you tell her to sign up for the bus. She needs to do it. If you can help her do it or find the contact and make it happen and it is within YOUR ability and doesn't make YOU feel worse...then do it.  Do not enable her. It will only make you feel worse. 

You can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink.  

Now....that being said. I hear you.  I get it. I have a friend who I have said that quote above about horses over and over. I get what chronic pain is like. I get what being frustrated with the system is like. I get it. Yet, if I don't continue to advocate and fight for my own healing...nobody will do it.  This friend told me 2 weeks ago she was resigned to being in pain for rest of her life and her shoulder will never get fixed.  That is her choice. Not mine. I get that pain because I have had the very same injury. I have had 3 shoudler surgeries.  Yet...I have taken my healing physically and emotionally seriously.  I can't make her want it.  Just like you can't make your neighbor want it.  If she misses an appt because she chooses to not follow threw or you set boundaries and said no.  That is her deal. Not yours. Sure I feel guilty that L struggles and I am sure you will as well. 

Taking care of you is the most important.  Then others.  

Hang in there.  

[The People]

Thanks! Have been backing off a bit. Spent a night at a friend's house last weekend, pet sitting. I didn't explain where I was going or that she could text f she needed anything. I still help her out but not as much. And when she asked if I needed gas money I told her I used the refund from something I returned to the store for her. She was rather stunned over the whole thing but ah well.