Your Biggest Surprise?

[MakersDozn]

We're all seen how multiplicity is misunderstood by by the non-multiple world. We're familiar with the stereotypes and the myths and how frustrating it is to see these myths perpetuated. Uninformed non-multiples may be surprised to learn how hard multiples work to fit into mainstream society and hide what makes us different. They may be surprised to learn that many of us hold down full-time jobs, raise families, and have relationships and friends just like everybody else.

It's easy to think about what would surprise non-multiples if they knew the truth about what we experience. But here's another thought: What surprises us most about our own experience? What is it about our journey that's been different from what we expected when we started out?

In our case, we had a pretty clear idea of what our system was (or should be) like. Everybody had a role, and each of us had a uniqueness that made him or her distinct from everyone else inside. Our system would be our family of choice, and we would strive for an ideal that would bring us the happiness that the outside world had never brought.

We've learned that life isn't like that for us. In some basic ways our system is as we envisioned, with priorities being safety, respect for each other, nurturing internal relationships, and fostering collective responsibility as well as individual and system growth.

But it's not perfect. We're not perfect, although some of us wish we were. Our system is three and a half times larger than it was in its early days, and we often struggle to balance everyone's well-being. We know everyone who's inside, but we still struggle with different insiders' thoughts and feelings overlapping each other, leaking onto each other. We still struggle with discovering and accepting who we are as individuals, and what we need to do to better our life.

And the biggest surprise of all is that the more we move forward in our healing, the farther away our inner world seems. Many of us can't retreat there in the same way that we used to do. It's still our safe place, and it's still an ideal in some ways, but we can't hide there any more. We have to face the life that we've been creating in the outside world, just as we've gotten to know the inside.

What's the biggest surprise that you've experienced in your journey as a multiple? What's been different from what you envisioned or expected?

MDs

[The People]

A few weeks ago we were in the midst of a hole caused by side effects of a BP med. We were grumbly and defensive and tired. There was a sudden awareness that this was the me people saw sometimes. The ones who got tired of us and walked away. The teenaged behaviour.

On our good days we are very kind and helpful, caring for others better than we care for ourselves. This is the side people see from a distance. Before we let them in. Once we let them in they become dangerous and the teens come out to defend us.

We felt very sad.

[MakersDozn]

Great realizations.

It might help to consider that everyone has good days and bad days. But for us, ours seem more extreme because we see ourselves as so different from other people. So we judge ourselves harshly when we struggle, and we don't give ourselves enough credit when we succeed.

We deserve a pat on the back. Including from ourselves.

MDs

[nats]

"And the biggest surprise of all is that the more we move forward in our healing, the farther away our inner world seems. Many of us can't retreat there in the same way that we used to do. It's still our safe place, and it's still an ideal in some ways, but we can't hide there any more. We have to face the life that we've been creating in the outside world, just as we've gotten to know the inside."

hmm, yes, and didn't ever consider that others found this..

also, we always assumed that certain issues would get fixed through T, and they didn't, and that one day all the reasons we are this way would become clear, and they haven't. what's happened instead is neither of these factors bother us as much as they once did - not really my idea of healing but maybe there is something in it...

[The People]

It is true. I remember writing that I wished I still had my forgettery as I actually missed it.

[Tangled Web]

Our biggest surprise of going through this is figuring out that we can't change the past. For some reason we had it in our mind that if we were able to talk about what happened to us that somehow it would change things for us. The past would somehow change and disappear. This has not been the case. That was very surprising to us-we thought that is why we were going to therapy and what the result was would be for some reason.............that is still sinking in for us that we cannot change the past or erase what had happened after being able to talk about it. It actually has the opposite effect for us. After talking about it makes things much more real and clear and even harder to deny. There have been many surprises but this is the biggest thus far.

[MakersDozn]

The People: We love the word "forgettery." And we agree. We wish we could forget some of the things we've had to deal with, although we know that in the long run, we're better off healing from these things.

TW: We (Charity, mainly) have struggled with wishing we could change or wipe out the past. That we could have a "do-over," or rewrite history like in "1984." It's been hard accepting that this won't happen, and it's been hard accepting that we have to heal and move on with our history as it is.

nats: We never expected anyone else to fix things for us, though. In fact, we realized when we were about seven that we could only count on ourselves. It's very discouraging to be that young and have given up hope of support from other people. But we have a will to make things better for ourselves, so we keep trying.

MDs

[Cammy]

My biggest surprise truly was when my doctor (who has DID) told me that he had seen three different people visit his office over time (three different versions of me). One even has a different eye color than the rest. So he referred me to his trauma specialist who diagnosed me. I was SO shocked I bolted from her office in full denial and didnt return for two years. During those two years I began to observe myself. Sure enough one day while going through my clothing drawers I found a stack of men's clothing with the sales tags still on them. I couldn't imagine how they got there or who bought these ugly clothes. Then it struck me like a bolt - I HAD BOUGHT THEM!  No memory of it at all. It was then that I realized that the DID diagnosis was correct. Learning that I was a multiple was the biggest surprise for me. Once I accepted it, the knowing actually helped me understand myself and aided my healing. But that first step was a doozy!

[MakersDozn]

Great that your doctor was so helpful, Igraine. At what point did you find out that he was multiple?

MDs

[FreyasSpirit]

We exist in the trans community. There was one plural system in the channel who directed us to a plural channel. Eventually, many trans people from the plural channel migrated to the primarily trans channel we were initially in. Over the next 6 months, half a dozen beings from that channel discovered they were plural. It was surprising and beautiful to watch how many systems became aware of their plurality simply by knowing it existed and stopping to check for it. In our mind, this is very similar to explorations around gender.

[The People]

No our dark side is soooo dark. It turns people away. That side got worse since the Celiac explosion however. Partly as it does emotional damage and parlty because of being isolated

[MakersDozn]

Interesting, FreyasSpirit, and not surprising.

Just out of curiosity, have you noticed whether anyone in the trans or multi communities started in one of them, found the other, and then left the first one because they realized it didn't really apply as the second community did?

We've known people in the multi community who identify as trans, but we wonder if at least sometimes, this is simply because of diverse genders and sexualities within. Certainly there are people who are both multi and trans. But self-discovery is such a complicated process that it wouldn't surprise us if some people take a while to discover their own truth.

MDs

[FreyasSpirit]

We have not. Basically everyone we know figured out they were trans quite a while ago so that would not change. Finding yourself is definitely a lifelong process and beings who are trans or plural have had to do a lot more work towards self discovery than most so it makes sense that beings in these categories would be more likely to discover they fit it the other category. Our current speculation is that being trans correlates with being plural because it is very common for trans people to hide who they are from the outside world for a long period of time as internal explorations are done or while internal explorations are complete and waiting for life situations to make transition possible, among other things.

[The People]

Another one.we watched When Rabbit Howls just before dx A year or 2 I think. I took the book out of the library and Gabriel or someone returned it before we read it. Did read it after dx. We were sure we would wake up in strange cities and do jobs we couldn't remember taking. T said we wouldn't do things we hadn't done before. She was right for the most part. That was a relief.

[MakersDozn]

Thanks for clarifying, FreyasSpirit. Your explanation helped us to understand better.

MDs