Working in T

[Tangled Web]

We have been at a stand still of sorts in T not exactly sure where to go or what to do, even seriously considered quitting all together.
The recent news of the mother's marriage threw our whole world into chaos and we just didn't know how to let her in.
The feelings were intense and she was able to put words to them for us. Like betrayal and loss. We still haven't been able to look at the feelings or process them but something changed inside recently. I think it is because of her acceptance and understanding and she has boats loads of patience. We find ourselves drawn to her now.
We don't normally believe the words that come out of people's mouths- for many reasons-but we find ourselves really wanting to believe her. This is very new for us, and I must admit terrifying.

We have had countless discussions on boundaries driven by me. She wants us to call her if we are struggling and leave a message so she will call us back. She encourages us to email her and let her know what is going on. She has told us many. many times she wants to be there for us. All of these things we have picked apart endlessly to ensure that we understand the messages. She has never waivered.

I have always kept ourselves away from any kind of connection like this to anyone. We have always been somewhat self reliant and independent and convinced ourselves we never needed anyone. Yes this keeps us isolated and alone but it also keeps us safe and our safety has always been the driving force behind everything we do.

She has helped us understand this defense more lately. We didn't have anyone to turn to while we were growing up. We had to be independent and self reliant, because the people that were supposed to be there for us-to protect us were not there and they were the abusers. We never really learned what it was supposed to be like even into our adult years.
Not to say that we haven't been close to people in our life because we have-just not at this level. You see we can walk away from anyone and never look back because that connection-that deep connection to someone is never really there. We never really understood it-when someone says they care or love us, those words never really had any meaning to them. They bounce off us that is just what they have always done.

Laura recently called our T and spoke to her on the phone-this is something we rarely do even though she has encouraged it. We don't want to bother her, or take any of her time. We always end up convincing ourselves that it is not important enough to warrant a phone call. In this instance it actually helped her talking to T. AND there was no underlying tones in T's voice that warned us that it was the wrong thing to do. She was actually glad to receive a call from Laura. I found this quite surprising.

I guess the whole point of this post is to say that we are finding ourselves maybe being/wanting to take a risk and go to a much deeper level with our T and keep the connection with her and letting it grow. I guess I am using this board to actually have the nerve to say it out loud and see how it feels and what other people think.
Like I said this is completely new territory us and not sure how this will all work.

Another thought that occurred to me-we know that T would never do anything to hurt us purposely, we can trust that. This is more about letting her see "US" and allowing her to care about us. To let ourselves believe it is ok for her to care and see what that is supposed to feel like. We always keep ourselves somewhat hidden behind the veil and for us to actually step out from behind that is a huge risk to take. Will she be as accepting as she has been in the past with our upfronters? She says yes, but this is one of those things you will never know until you try. Even with our upfronters they have been censored and are able to do that for themselves-the others don't have that ability. That is what I mean by really being seen as a whole person with all their thoughts and feelings intact. A huge risk to take.................But I find myself walking towards it instead of running from it. Is that a mistake? What do people think?

Hope (Head of internal committee)

[MakersDozn]

Hi Hope,

Congratulations to you for getting to the point where you feel ready to take more of a risk in trusting your T. We identify with a number of the issues and feelings you wrote about.

We also identify with what you wrote about isolation. And we're trying to move forward at a pace that challenges us but doesn't put more pressure on us than we can handle.

Sending you encouragement.

Allegra, head of *our* internal committee
and others

[mosaic]

hi Hope,

taking that risk is scary, for sure, and it is also something very important. we are cheering you on and offering our support for you.

[Tangled Web]

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement.
Hope

[The People]

WOW! Huge step forward! Seems like you were on the verge of quitting a while back. Glad you stuck it out even if it took a crisis to push you forward. Often for us that is what it takes to make a move.