is this a bad thing?

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

we have this question. is it truly a bad thing to live for someone else if you just cannot live for yourself? we honestly have no real reason to continue existing if we are simply trying to find one within ourselves. we've only made it this far bc we had people to keep moving forward for. if we don't have someone outside of ourselves, it's like we have no reason at all to continue.

is this a bad thing? and if it is, why is it?

(btw, just to be clear, we are safe and no one intends to do anything to harm ourselves. this is simply something we have struggled with for many years and have been constantly confounded when told we need to have a reason within ourselves to keep existing. bc at this point none of us see that happening. we hurt too much and are just too tired to try for our own selves.)

[mosaic]

i think that it's important to use whatever is there to give you a reason to keep going. the main danger is, what do you do if that someone is no longer around, and i think that's why people say you need to find a reason within yourselves.

i don't think it's a bad thing.

[Tangled Web]

I don't believe it is a bad thing either. I think we all have to do what we have to do to keep going and agree with what mosaic said.

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

well, i can see how if you put everything into one person and then they were gone it would leave you drifting. that has happened before.

we try not to put it all into one specific person. like right now, we have several people we've kind of adopted that we talk to bc they deal with mental health issues. they're much younger physically than us and their families don't really understand what they're going through. so we talk to them when they're having a hard time. trying to use what we've learned to help someone else.

that and our kids.

we kinda figure that if we can at least help someone else not go through the same kinda hell maybe we're doing something worthwhile. *shrugs*

[MakersDozn]

We immediately thought of your outside kids. Last we heard, your oldest was starting college. We were thinking of them when you came back here.

We've told you this before, but please don't underestimate the importance of the fact that you've successfully raised three kids unharmed by the abuse that you've gone through. You've broken the cycle. This is a very, very big thing.

You're also a very talented writer, artist, and designer. Who knows how many people you've inspired with your work?

We struggle with reasons to go on as well. Like you, we're safe, but sometimes just going from one moment to the next is incredibly difficult. Know that we empathize, and that we care.

MDs

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

Our oldest is in his junior year of college. Our youngest graduates high school this June. He got accepted to Berklee. Our daughter started her freshman year this semester. she's majoring in philosophy.

I try to hold on to that hard. Raising our kids and breaking the cycle. Though it's not nearly as broken as I would have hoped. I have learned that the years after I left the ex... he was verbally and emotionally abusive with our daughter. mostly because she is far too much like us, right down to the bipolar and low self-esteem. people who see us together always remark on how much we act a like. pretty much most of the reasons we left him, as a matter of fact. when i learned this (which most she has only told me over the last year) i was devastated in all kinds of ways. *sighs* it feels like a failure to us. a major one. we didn't protect her from him.

people have told us that we have helped them, which always surprises us. but... we figure that's something else to try and hang on to as well.

The RFC

[The People]

We view it as a good thing. Because as long as you have that reason to live you are telling yourself that you are a valuable person. Whether the reason is your kids or my highly anxious cat, I know that I need to stay here for them.

There are few people on this earth who have absolutely no value (although some barely toe the line). People who decide to leave us just go through so much pain that they forget that others are out there who will be hurt if they leave. My kitty would never survive if I left. She is old and I already lost one. If someone took her to the Humane Society she would.. I couldn't do that to her. Sometimes it is that one little fur ball that keeps me going. Now I am being told that I must go to bed. Kitty's orders. ^..^

[nats]

agreeing with others here that there's nothing inherently wrong about living for others (indeed, it's what get's people sainted in christianity - though saints aren't perhaps a great example of healthy balanced living).

mainly just wanted to say, before you criticise yourselves for not breaking the cycle entirely - emotional abuse is bad, but it is also very normal and happens in most families to some extent and is very different from what you were raised with. just something to consider..

[MakersDozn]

RFC, you haven't failed your daughter. From what we can tell, it sounds like she didn't tell you about the abuse from her father because she didn't want to upset you. And the fact that your ex was abusive to her is a reflection on your ex, not on you.

Hoping that your daughter finds peace and healing from what she experienced.

MDs