Happy Day after the fourth, from Small Porgies. Had an interesting day yesterday. We had a big gathering at the house where I rent a room. I spent the day cleaning and setting up the backyard, the house and bathroom. I knew some of the people but not everybody. I have a problem with people in general. Just being around people means I usually have to take Valerian. So I bummed some Valium from my mom and tried to remain positive about the coming event. It took two to get me into the room . After about and hour I had two Valerian and that did the trick. Fear and anxiety have been a big issue for me through out my life. I couldn't have done this three years ago.
It seems so odd to me That I have to use a powerful sedative just to get close to people. Four years ago I couldn't stand in line at a bank because I would have a massive panic attack. It would usually happen around the time an elderly woman would step up to the counter, then have to ruffle through her purse to find checks and account info. Two minutes into that and I would have to fly the coop.
I no longer have that problem and the panic attacks are not as prevalent but they are right there like a pack of napping wild dogs. I actually had a good time and enjoyed everybody. Great fireworks show. I have achieved this and in reflection, have a sense of connection for the first time. I am part of something, not hiding in my room or in a movie theater. I used to have this internal Eeyore who would ruin everything by expecting nothing but misery and disaster. I wouldn't allow him to even comment on what was going on. Nice to not have to be the doom generator for this particular area code. Hope everybody had a good time. I'm happy here.
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