roller coaster of feelings

[Tangled Web]

I have been trying to support to my son lately. He has been living in his own apartment for a week now with supports put in place for him because of his disabilities. We have been going to his place after work most days and helping him with we could.
I worry about him. He is not making good choices and has no idea what being independent means. He has SO much to learn but right now it is just one big party with all his new found freedom he has. We did have one good visit with him where he was receptive to my instructions and ended up getting a lot of work done in his place. We left feeling ok but the next time we saw him all those feelings came back. It is so hard to watch him do the things he does and have to step back and let him make his own mistakes.
The worker he has is still annoying me, not sure I like the guy.
I know my son is in a transition place right now. I know it is going to take time.
What I didn't expected was the triggers to hit me so hard.
When he was younger I fought so hard to get him the help he/we needed but failed. He fell through the cracks and all I could do was fight that losing battle. Now he is back working with people again and having a worker and I am reminded of those past events and it hurts my heart.

This is an area in my life I could never really get a handle on. I just muddled through things trying to push everything away. Now it is back once again. Funny how years ago (Approx 6 years) when we hit an all time high in crises with him and ended up going back into therapy to get support to deal with those things and this was the one thing that couldn't be dealt with. And it feels like it is happening ALL over again.
I have emailed my new T now and tried once again to open up that door but once again I am not heard. My old T was more into telling me I just had accept things and missed the point completely. The T I have now wants to teach me ways on how to parent a difficult teenager. That is NOT the problem. People always go with trying to help me parent him. But this is about me not him. He is the trigger for the feelings I am feeling and he is part of the reason but there are other things attached to it.
And one of the biggest problems I have right now with ALL of this is that I don't want to do it. I don't want to open up those old wounds, I don't want to go there. I just want it to all GO AWAY. I have no idea anymore what the problems really are or what I need........I hit a wall. So I am back at muddling through things and trying to push it all away again. The only things is that I need to be there for my son and I won't abandon him so this sh*t doesn't go away, it is always brought back up and gets smashed in my face.
I get so angry. And then I have step back and end up feeling so hurt. The roller coaster of emotions I go through in a matter of minutes makes me feel sick. It feels so unstable.
Thanks for listening.