Feeling the loss.........

[Tangled Web]

I have recently realized that I needed to say good bye to my dad and everything I wanted him to be. He has been gone now for 4 years. I have realized that me trying to be loyal to him and his memory has kept me stuck. I have kept ALL his secrets. I realize now they should of have never been mine to keep. This might sound selfish but this is no longer about him and his life. This needs to be about me and me trying to find happiness in this life. I can't do that by keeping everything hidden inside, denying the truths or running from it.
Even though I am able to see all these things now............I can't help to feel the loss........the sadness engulfs every ounce of my being right now. It is just sadness.........The good times I had with him seem so far and few between now and saying goodbye to him feels like I am saying goodbye to all the times that were good also......it just hurts.

[nats]

we found that trying to be as honest as possible about the bad made it easier to appreciate and be glad for the good - it was not a speedy process though. it's hard but it's also true that those were never your secrets to keep. listening if you want..

[Tangled Web]

I thought that trying so hard to hold onto the good memories of my dad would make the bad memories not seems so bad. But that isn't working anymore. I seem to be remembering more of the bad and that changes the good memories. Does that make sense? It is like I can't love him and hate him at the same time, it has to be one or the other. The longer he is gone the good memories seem to disappear along with him. They are not as strong as the bad ones anymore. He really hurt us..............and I can't seem to counter that with the good memories anymore. Whenever something bad would come up or a bad feeling would come regarding him I could at least counter it with the thoughts of .......well at least he loved us or he encouraged us..........now I am not so sure. It makes me angry on so many levels and sad. I have spent my life protecting him and thinking there were valid reasons for doing what he did to us................I was so afraid of losing the thought that he actually loved us.....he was the only one in my family that I truly felt loved me......and now all I am thinking is if he loved us so much how he could he have done those things to us? I am losing him all over again........that is what it feels like.
I have never talked with anyone about him and what he did because I needed to protect him. I needed to keep his secrets. I needed to be his good little girl. I am not his little girl anymore........and I feel the loss..................

[mosaic]

it is a loss -

and coming to the realization that you can't keep those secrets and still heal is a big step. and it hurts.

[nats]

yes, it IS a loss. as you heal, things may not feel as stark as they do now but it is still a loss.

[Tangled Web]

Thank you for your understanding nats and mosaic.........just sitting in this spot trying to grasp exactly what it means..............it hurts................