Apprehension over my first therapy session with new person

[Downtherabbithole]

I have my first therapy session with someone new n first in a long time. First time actually facing my condition, I usually ran the other direction when it came to this stuff. I found when they tried to talk to parts, the parts work run Havlock in the system. Shut down would happen. Would end up fully dissociated n unresponsive. Maybe because hadnt built trust before trying to call out parts. I have known the person for a long time but it wasn't till a while ago I knew of the condition or maybe it was just finally accepting what i knew but spent nearly a year on and off of looking for help, afraid to be locked away, afraid to accept n deal with it. I feared if I accepted it, I would make it worse, loose control of my habitat or faculties or become more obvious to people that I was so different to them. Though, what I've found is that I see more reason to my odd behaviour where as those around me see no difference n still see me as just quirky, odd, hyper, or just assume I'm drunk even if I'm not actually drunk or not even been drinking. Everyone just think its normal for me anyway, I seem to be the only one who notices the difference,except its not really so different, I guess I just become more aware. But I felt safe all this time, not having to talk about this with anyone else except closest friend. N also speaking anonomously here. I guess it's scary to deal with alone but as I've been hurt because of those parts I don't easily trust people. I've made that mistake too many times. I'm afraid what happened with the last counsellor I trusted so much.. I'm not sure I'm making right decision to go see him, but he has worked with people like us many times. N I guess not trusting unknown ppl, it's more a question of I know can't trust ppl don't know, but seeing the amount of times that been betrayed by people I trusted.. Is getting help worth the risk of being retraumatised again..

[Tangled Web]

You have described the inner struggle we deal with every day very well. We hear you on so MANY levels. Only you can answer that question if it is worth the risk..........I still ask myself that same question almost every time I see my T. And we have been seeing her for over a year now.
For us it has become more about holding onto the hope that we can heal and we can do this. Then we think about the risk and whether we are willing to make it, whatever that might be at that point in time. There have been times we have decided NO it wasn't worth the risk and that is OK.. It doesn't mean that we can't decide to take that risk at another time, it just means that right now is not the right time for us. Maybe it is the right time for you now..........just go at YOUR own pace not the T's. That is important. I hope it goes well for yous and it works out.
TW

[Downtherabbithole]

Listening to my body n what it was telling me hasn't been a strong suite. Often end up in over my head. But when the pain n exhaustion I felt physically last night drew me once again to tears, I had to cancel. I don't know what causes the body wide spread pain, doctors never care even when I'd have specific area of complaint. But I didn't think it was good idea to add emotional meeting to that. Especially when not even able to concentrate on much with pain going on n working such long days I really do feel like a product that's past their best before or use by date. Now everything else is merely time that I am Slowely decomposing. I used to think that would never make it to 18, or then 21 now I'm turning 30 this year but I still have that nagging feeling, I'm not even supposed to be here. Not that I have any wish to end my life but rather just a feeling that I am damaged goods n no longer good for much. I feel like my body Slowely breaking down not helping this perception feeling that I should be considering retirement not planning for future. Quality of life is basically just surviving day to day or moment to moment n keeping busy as to not notice how bad things really are. My dad says could be arthritis cause have pain stiffness n aching in joints but doesn't explain pain in neck n shoulder especiLly round shoulder blade. I suspect could result of abseiling accident as a kid. It also doesn't explain headaches. The tender points, insomnia, stomache problems n pain some tell me could be fibro. But I don't have much faith in doctors caring enough to even try to figure out what's wrong so I could at least not feel unjustified to even mention or acknowledge the pain, yet alone try to start ruling out possibilities to find a cause n work on solution or management plan.
But seeing therapist still wanted to see me even though was trying to listen to my body saying I couldn't deal with that meeting this morning, n considering I struggled just to deal with today without the meeting. If I'd gone I would of been so much worse n also would of had less than 5 hrs sleep again. I'm worried that he is angry I cancelled. I almost feel I've lost the one chance I had for outside help other than here. But I just could get up so early with min sleep n the pain I had woken with to go talk to someone new bout something I wasn't sure I trusted anyone enough to talk openly about. I just couldn't. Then why do I feel a sense of shame n embarrassment n feeling of that I'd failed. I know one part hates that others are as she says weak. She bland the others weakness for bad things happening. Maybe being disappointed n angry at self that showed weakness of any kind to anyone outside is why that's there. Maybe she feels we weren't soldier enough for her... I guess she's right. I don't feel very strong. If anything, I feel wounded n broken, like a soldier wounded in battle n with severe injuries n what's the phrase... Shell shock?? I heard the term used in a torchwood episode once in regards to a soldier. Someone should just through me out. I am so past my used by date. I keep trying to push through, always learning towards doing what's expecting, jobs to help others, responsibilities. But I feel bad to stop n do something for me, I feel bad that I let myself get roughly 8 hrs broken sleep rather than 5 or less that would of had if gone to appointment.. I feel bad that I sat on bed doing paperwork most of day on computer rather than doing anything outside house, I feel bad that no matter how hard I work, I never seem to feel I have enough time, feel that I've finished all my jobs cause there's always just one more thing to do or 5 or 10 more things hanging over my shoulder. I feel useless.

[Tangled Web]

We are sorry things are so painful for you. We are sitting here listening..........

[Downtherabbithole]

Thank you, it is greatly appreciated to have some willing to listen.

[nats]

hi Downtherabbithole,
it's very tough to decide who/how to trust, even - or maybe especially -when they are people who are supposed to work to help us. it's a difficult decision whichever way you go, though for most of us not trusting is much easier. we had the same 'passed my use-by date' feeling for years - at least a decade past official adulthood. we're so past it now the feeling faded entirely and we can even plan ahead. things just change naturally sometimes if you keep generally working/aiming in a positive direction..

[Downtherabbithole]

I just got a missed call from the new therapist bout seeing him today. I'd given up on the idea after hearing nothing from the message I'd left days ago. But he wants to meet this afternoon some time. Times on my side slightly that he said in voice mail that he was about to go into meeting so to just SMS with time n place. I don't feel comfortable going to the ch¥rch n I don't want him to come here. To my house. No one really knows where I live. N I want it to stay that way plus I don't feel comfortable with a guy being in my house other than my dad of course. So last suggestion was a coffee shop, that's public so lil risk of him doing anytging not want ppl to see but does mean if I completely fall apart then I'd draw heaps of attention to myself. I'd have to be real careful with any of the options as falling apart poses bad things could happen if he wasn't completely decent.
So why do I even consider this... Cause I'm going away for a week about to lead a hike n he was keen to catch up n I or one of my i's decided they needed this. But I'm not sure I can do, now suddenly wishing I had a something to drink to get some Dutch courage as a friend used to say. But I'd have to go to shops for that, also I need some new shorts n shirts got hike as my clothes falling apart. But I freak about going to shops as it is. It takes so much just to go to get food yet alone anything else n I'm supposed to do it all. Makes me not even want to leave the house. Wasn't rostered on today for work so I'm home. But I have heaps of paperwork to do for hike next week. So I've got all these reasons not to leave the house n so many reasons that I really need to. I don't know what to do. Except for now have a coffee n breakfast while I figure out if I wanna even leave the house... If I can do any of the things I need. To do today..

[nats]

maybe choose the 1-2 most important things you need to do today and focus on doing those. leave anything not crucial for later. it's really hard when there are so many things that are all stressful and not enough energy to face them all. prioritising can sometimes help. then you know you've been successful at what you've set yourself. the T situation sounds uncomfortable - think you're right that a public place is best. we'd do the same. wondering how it's going to work longer term if you're not comfortable though?

[Downtherabbithole]

We went to see t today after all but he had a lady with him. They both have worked with people like us. Switched n a non verbal and a verbal part came out. It was exhausting day after having to go to shops twice n then therapy. Then doing paperwork. I started to drink when got back well a lil after I did, now I feel like I don't want to stop, it's like I don't want to feel anymore, or think.