Want to leave
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Twin Volition Offline
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#1
Want to leave
I don't feel like our family has accepted or respected me as a human being. I want to go back inside. And I want to never come out. It's not fair that I have to deal with them. Some of them might care about me, but only as a sick dog, and not as a real person with real feelings and real problems.

Arlen is coddled but I am secretly hated and/or disregarded by everyone. My times consist only of others waiting for Arlen to come back and it's making me feel very unwanted and resentful. I used to be a very calm person - very "jai-yen" as the Thai would say. But now I hate and kick and scream on the inside because people are being invalidating to me.

All this, and yet the only desire I feel is not to insult people or complain or act indignant - but to apologize for existing. To go back inside and not come out. I feel I am a walking dishonor, to our family and to Arlen. I feel I've exhausted my purpose in life, but in the end, it's not possible or right for anyone to just disappear. "Stuck" is how we feel. I want to go see someone to get our lives in motion again, but we are "stuck" in the American South. No one here wants to just talk. All anyone wants to do is lock us away - make us more stuck.

- ∀
03-13-2014, 07:20 PM
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Tangled Web Offline
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#2
RE: Want to leave
I am so sorry you feel this way. I can understand that feeling very much and it sucks big time! I believe you are asset to Arlen as I am to my system. Sometimes it just takes awhile to get there. Sitting here listening.
TW
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
03-13-2014, 08:49 PM
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nats Offline
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#3
Friendship/Support  RE: Want to leave
hi ∀, sorry it's so rough right now. sounds like you need to talk with others in your system and see what can be worked out. people outside are unlikely to understand, especially if this is new to them, and that's ok. you may want them to understand, but want isn't the same as need. see if you can start to work on the internal stuff with the others inside.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
03-14-2014, 04:48 AM
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MakersDozn Offline
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#4
Friendship/Support  RE: Want to leave
Hi ∀ (We're not sure how to make that, so we copied it from your post). We're glad to meet you.

We hear you. Sadly, the outside world does not understand inside people, and we often find ourselves angry and frustrated with this. Our system has no host, so in a way the difficulty is further complicated because, in effect, none of us are "real" in the way that the outside defines "real."

But of course we are real, just as you are real. We hope that you keep reaching out to others here. It does help.

MDs
03-14-2014, 04:59 PM
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The People Offline
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#5
RE: Want to leave
It has been my experience - and I worked with mentally ill as a non-T as well as being multie - you will not be locked up as long as you are working with professionals and not hurting yourself. I am a bit confused. Is the body age under 18? If so you will be protected.

Nobody here can tell you what to do. We can just tell you what worked for us to get into a better place. Some people still have family contact but I chose to cut them out of my life a long time ago. It gets lonely but I needed to do it for me. But I couldn't have done it without out help from my T. So if you are strong enough to be out a lot what do you want to do in order to keep yourselves safe?
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
03-15-2014, 04:57 AM
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Twin Volition Offline
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#6
RE: Want to leave
(03-15-2014, 04:57 AM)The People Wrote: It has been my experience - and I worked with mentally ill as a non-T as well as being multie - you will not be locked up as long as you are working with professionals and not hurting yourself. I am a bit confused. Is the body age under 18? If so you will be protected.

Nobody here can tell you what to do. We can just tell you what worked for us to get into a better place. Some people still have family contact but I chose to cut them out of my life a long time ago. It gets lonely but I needed to do it for me. But I couldn't have done it without out help from my T. So if you are strong enough to be out a lot what do you want to do in order to keep yourselves safe?

Hello, People.

Where we live, the laws are nothing short of discrimination. You legally can and will be locked up against your wishes and the wishes of your parent/guardian, whether you are hurting yourself or not. It happened to us and to other patients in the hospital with me. There were scars and wounds on us still, but at the time we saw the "professional" that sent us to the psych ward in the hospital, we were not in the habit of self-injury for a week, and had made a point to never, ever do it again. I stressed this to him, but he did not believe it. Also, to answer your question, the body is now 19. Age does not make a difference to them. We were deemed unfit to make our own decisions, so they took us.

And as far as keeping us safe, we have been arguing with each other about going back into therapy, but I refuse to trust anyone in this area after what they did to us. We do have our own agreed-upon set of rules now, however--and one of them is that no one hurts the body. Without needing to conceal our feelings anymore, SI is a crutch far less appealing, so this rule has been relatively easy to follow.

-Arlen

(On an unrelated note, I am not "coddled" by anyone. I am just the more well-known, and therefore more accepted person by people outside the system.)
03-15-2014, 04:34 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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#7
Friendship/Support  RE: Want to leave
Arlen,

We're impressed by your inner strength. And when we say "your," we mean both of you.

Is there any way that you and ∀ (may we ask how you say this?) can work out an agreement where he can spend more time outside as himself under certain circumstances? Maybe this will help.

MDs
03-15-2014, 06:52 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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#8
Just talking  RE: Want to leave
Whoops. We just went back and re-read ∀'s original post. Obviously time on the outside is an issue, but not in the way we mentioned.

Our suggestion still applies, though in a different way. Rather than ∀ not getting enough time out, it seems that the issue is how to balance the time that each of you does have while out, and what each of you experience during that time. Are we correct?

In our experience, communication within is a great starting point for solving problems. We know that this is easier said than done. We've been at it for 18 years, and some of us still bicker with each other, or worse, end up at a standoff. But we do try.

MDs
03-15-2014, 06:59 PM
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The Warren Offline
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#9
RE: Want to leave
hi people arlen is right they don't have good Ts. It is like us we just had bad ones who locked us up all the time and were bad. now where we live people are not as dumb like when were we body kids but in some places they are still really dumb like rocks. I mean like really stupid. and they have dumb laws like from the dark ages and lock people up like they are mean dogs. I am not making it up because I know about it. it is true! you gotta be careful to find a good one. it can be hard.

in my system we made rules too like you are not allowed to hurt the body because we all have to share. we had to learn to make our own rules because we did not have T for along time. it helps when people can talk to each other and have agreements like no cutting and you have to let so and so people go to work in the morning and do their jobs and no staying up all night in the body. inside is okay but the body has to go to bed or it gets worn out.

if you can't find a good T right away you can still learn alot of things to take care of yourselves. a good T would teach you these things too but you can learn a lot from other outside people and talking among yourselves to find out what you need.

yah we bicker in here too. it's just the same as living with family. people get on each others nerves.

byby
sidra
"And I'm a million different people from one day to the next." - The Verve, Bittersweet Symphony
03-15-2014, 11:46 PM
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nats Offline
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#10
RE: Want to leave
(03-14-2014, 04:59 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Our system has no host, so in a way the difficulty is further complicated because, in effect, none of us are "real" in the way that the outside defines "real."

haha, so true. i do not 'have a disorder' by society's definition we are the disorder. poo on them.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
03-16-2014, 05:44 PM
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MakersDozn Offline
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Happy  RE: Want to leave
(03-16-2014, 05:44 PM)nats Wrote: haha, so true. i do not 'have a disorder' by society's definition we are the disorder. poo on them.

Yeah poo on them! Stinky poo! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!

Joseph Smile
03-16-2014, 07:35 PM
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The Warren Offline
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#12
RE: Want to leave
(03-16-2014, 05:44 PM)nats Wrote: haha, so true. i do not 'have a disorder' by society's definition we are the disorder. poo on them.

Dude. Do not even get me started. I may be disorderly sometimes, but I am not disordered.

Lea
"And I'm a million different people from one day to the next." - The Verve, Bittersweet Symphony
03-16-2014, 09:16 PM
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Twin Volition Offline
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#13
RE: Want to leave
(03-15-2014, 06:52 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Arlen,

We're impressed by your inner strength. And when we say "your," we mean both of you.

Is there any way that you and ∀ (may we ask how you say this?) can work out an agreement where he can spend more time outside as himself under certain circumstances? Maybe this will help.

MDs

Hello MD. Thanks for the support. We try to compromise on things like you said, but 90% of the time we switch places, it is unintentional.

And sorry about the confusion. My actual name is Aria; the ∀ doesn't have it's own pronunciation. I sign my posts/letters with an upside-down A because I'm a bit of an antithesis, in more ways than one; most of the time, I am on the "opposite" side of the body (inside vs. out), and plus I am female whereas the body is male.

Yes, it's a little tasteless, maybe even conceited, but I use it anyway. You can call me by my name or paste the ∀, either way is fine.

-∀
03-17-2014, 06:06 AM
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nats Offline
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#14
RE: Want to leave
Aria is a pretty name.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
03-17-2014, 09:53 AM
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MakersDozn Offline
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#15
Friendship/Support  RE: Want to leave
(03-17-2014, 09:53 AM)nats Wrote: Aria is a pretty name.

Yes, we think so too. Thank you for telling us, Aria. And thank you for letting us know that you're female. Now we know not to refer to you as "he." Smile

Take care,

Charity
03-18-2014, 07:43 PM
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