Therapy/connection

[Tangled Web]

I have done something that I am seriously doubting. I took a huge risk.
We have abandonment issues and I am sure it has to with our mother leaving when we were very small and not wanting us. Well it probably started there.
We have been seeing our current T for 1 year now and have been working hard at building a trusting relationship with her. We have had set backs as expected along the way but have been able to work through them, I think. We like our T. I do feel we have finally found the right T to do the work we need to do. We have started to get closer and closer to the past. We have never ever talked about specific details of our past to anyone……..
So in our last session, I am not sure how the topic came up but she said to me, that normally it takes approx. 3-5 years to deal with past trauma. Well in hearing that I just froze. It felt like a wall came up. It took a lot of thinking and searching to figure out what had happened and why it made me feel like I felt. I keep thinking that I should be thinking, that is good news…..it will take 3-5 years and there is an end in sight. That should make me happy, but it didn’t.
All I could think about was in 3-5 years she is going to leave me. I will be done “healing” and she will leave. I have finally been able to make some kind of a strong connection to someone and it will be broken. Then I got to thinking, well why would I start doing this with her if she is just going to end up leaving me any ways. I don’t want to be done. I don’t want her to leave. Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand what I am saying here……I want to “heal” but I don’t want the reward of healing losing her. Do you understand?
I know there are boundaries and rules and all that other stuff, which I totally respect..and I am not asking her to become a friend or anything and be invited to her house for dinner or anything like that…….I just want her to remain a part of my life. And I am guess I am wondering and asking myself……is that really SO wrong to want that?
So here is where the huge risk comes in…….I sent her an email stating this. OMGosh!!!!!
And now that that thought has sunk in I am sitting here thinking OMG what I have done?

[mosaic]

good for you for sending her the email. it was a very courageous move.

you want to hear something interesting... when i read the phrase "it takes approx. 3-5 years to deal with past trauma" i read it as "don't feel like you have to push to do it all right this second, there's plenty of time"...

just think it's interesting how differently we each interpret things based on our experience.

i hope your t can give you helpful feedback.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks mosaic. I just hope it was the right thing to do. I don't ever usually tell people things like that. I try to avoid any situation that will set you up for some type of rejection.

I do find it interesting also how things can be interpreted so differently. I would never of even considered looking at that phrase as meaning what you thought it meant. To me 3-5 years is just a small drop in the bucket.......it feels like I only just blinked and a year has gone by already. So that is a very interesting way to look at it.
Thank you

[Tangled Web]

Well I saw T today and we talked about the email sent to her. Everything turned out well.......the risk was worth it. She isn't going to leave and it is ok for me to NOT want her to leave. And the totally amazing part is I believe her now!!
TW

[mosaic]

wonderful! so glad you were able to talk it through with her.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks me too

[orek]

To me 3-5 years is just a small drop in the bucket.......it feels like I only just blinked and a year has gone by already. So that is a very interesting way to look at it.
Thank you
[/quote]

I totally get that. Sometime last year our T warned us she'd be retiring in about a year. She thought it sounded like lots of time still, but to us it felt like a "blink of the eye." Our therapy basically shut down after that announcement. This past year has been a desperate fight to stay engaged so we can make good use of the time left. But we haven't succeeded in getting past the "leaving us soon" part, even though we knew therapy comes to an end eventually and that she had put off retiring for many years. We now have until end of August with her, a little over 9 years together once it's done. But we needed just a bit more time. We were just reaching deeper insiders and memories at the point she told us, and the announcement stopped the whole process. So, yes, I understand the reflexive wall, the tremendous pain and anxiety over the eventual loss of a good T.

[Tangled Web]

It is so good to see you back orek. We have truly missed you and have thought about you often, wondering how you were doing.
I understand how that announcement would totally put a halt on things and I am so very sorry. That is also one of my biggest fears and I remember when you posted before about this and that was one of the biggest reasons I had to get those things confirmed with her. I couldn't handle getting into this stuff and have her turn around and tell us she was retiring or leaving for any reason........
So how are you doing? Are you planning on getting a new T after she retires? Are you talking to her about your feelings regarding her leaving? what is new with you? What have you been up to? I am sorry for all the questions.....and I hope you don't take them as prying....... and we hope you don't feel you have to answer any of them........We just really missed you. It is SO good to see you.
Tangled

[orek]

So how are you doing? Are you planning on getting a new T after she retires? Are you talking to her about your feelings regarding her leaving? what is new with you? What have you been up to? I am sorry for all the questions.....and I hope you don't take them as prying....... and we hope you don't feel you have to answer any of them........We just really missed you. It is SO good to see you.
Tangled
[/quote]

Thanks, Tangled. I appreciate the warm "welcome back."

We've been up and down, making progress over-all these past couple/few years (give or take) with connecting to insiders and to the reality of what happened to us, seeing all the ways it affects us in our day-to-day lives, etc. But her impending retirement has really been a big blow. We're researching names for another T, but we're not really sure we have it in us to try yet again, start all over with the trust-building and all that laying-a-foundation stuff necessary to do further trauma/insider work. And that's assuming we even find someone good, available, affordable that's a good fit, etc.

So yeah, we are pretty disheartened, feeling ourselves head into a downward spin. Not sure we can make use of the remaining time to even keep what we've built with her, let alone do more processing. It's hard to talk to her about it, though we've tried. (in fact, Davis took the whole 75 minutes last session, something she's never done before, and it was good.) But Ts always mean more to their clients than vice versa, even though they care deeply. That's the nature of the relationship and transference, etc. So how to explain it all? How do I get insiders to keep working when they know she's leaving?

This has been our dilemma for the past year, and now we're down to mere months. Thanks for asking, and thanks for listening.

[Tangled Web]

Oh Orek....... I couldn't do it. I couldn't get anyone inside to continue working with a T when we would know she would be leaving.......I am sorry but that sounds down right impossible to me. I think I would be trying to find some closure with the remaining time left....that is just what we would do, if that was possible. We have recently started with a new T...well if you call seeing her for a year now recent LOL. It was hard but we are finding it worth it. I know you have been through this before and I am so sorry but we hope you have it in you to try again. I truly applaud your efforts though to try to make the most of what time you have left. I think that is awesome. We are hear listening and sending you bunches of blue flowers.
Laura

[orek]

(02-18-2014, 12:10 AM)Tangled Web Wrote: Oh Orek....... I couldn't do it. I couldn't get anyone inside to continue working with a T when we would know she would be leaving.......I am sorry but that sounds down right impossible to me. I think I would be trying to find some closure with the remaining time left....that is just what we would do, if that was possible. We have recently started with a new T...well if you call seeing her for a year now recent LOL. It was hard but we are finding it worth it. I know you have been through this before and I am so sorry but we hope you have it in you to try again. I truly applaud your efforts though to try to make the most of what time you have left. I think that is awesome. We are hear listening and sending you bunches of blue flowers.
Laura

Thanks so much, Laura. It helps to know others understand and would react the same way. I'm really fighting feeling like a failure for not making better use of the time while we have it (and have had it this past year since finding out). After all, we've put a lot of years into this relationship, and we really trust her! But yes, after Davis's session with her and seeing how much that helped, we decided that the remaining sessions need to concentrate on allowing insiders to come talk with her as long as needed, talk about what she's meant to us, etc., and get closure.

Thanks again.

[nats]

yeaay orek! so great to see you guys!!! it's been so long .

it really does sound too hard to try to process anything other than closure with a T you know is leaving. not easy at all.

[orek]

(02-18-2014, 06:07 PM)nats Wrote: yeaay orek! so great to see you guys!!! it's been so long .

it really does sound too hard to try to process anything other than closure with a T you know is leaving. not easy at all.

Hey, nats! Yeah, I don't get why I went through such a long period of not going on the computer (except at work) for, well, ANYthing. Total disconnect. And then it's like I wake up, miss everyone, and voila! It's good to be back. I appreciate such a happy welcome back, thanks.

[nats]

hi orek,
the communication thing happens, not sure why. we're still going through a period of none/barely phone communications. so hard to get ourselves to use the phone for anything/anyone!

[orek]

(02-19-2014, 04:24 AM)nats Wrote: hi orek,
the communication thing happens, not sure why. we're still going through a period of none/barely phone communications. so hard to get ourselves to use the phone for anything/anyone!

Now that we finally have a smart phone, I think I use it for anything BUT communication, it seems. lol