Afraid to go back to work
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The People Offline
Long Time Member Who grew Up Here

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Scared  Afraid to go back to work
I have been receiving mild pressures from my pdoc with regards to returning to work. I have now been off for 3 years and have fallen into a pattern that works for me to some degree. I volunteer, I write, I sleep... I have stopped formal yoga classes.

Which leads to the reason behind the fear. Emotionally I feel better than I have in a long time. I am eating better, mixing with people, sleep pattern is reasonable most days and stomach is fine-ish 80% of the time. Mood swings are in control 80% of the time.

But there is that other 20%. While my moods are not as erratic as they have been there are still days (like today) where I just want to go back to bed. However, I have commitments plus today is T day and I missed the last one. Part of the reason for these feelings is the pressure. The questions from friends re whether I plan to return to work. The raised eyebrows when I say I don't know. I have regular coffee with my old boss and she knows how bad things were by the end. She discourages me from going back out of fear that I will loss my LTD pension. But I think there is more than that.

Everywhere we go we end up fighting with people. Even at yoga when we were cleaning for class time we had a huge text based fight with the guy who is usually there when I go in. He called me dark. I quit and the owner convinced me to go back. He is taking over the studio and there is no way I will work for him. I told the boss's partner (she is away but knew this was coming) and the first thing out of his mouth was "well I guess I'll be doing the cleaning now!" I wanted to throw the mop at him. Instead I showed him some of the extra things I do that were being overlooked then I started.

I didn't tell the soon to be owner I was leaving. I left a note on his desk, told him I knew he was leaving and that he would get rid of me once that happened. On the envelope I made reference to his calling me dark by writing "it is better to light a candle that curse that darkness". In retrospect I doubt if he would even catch the reference. And when I went in that day I asked how his weekend was. he babbled on and never once said (or says) how was your weekend, or how did the funeral go... He is so self involved that while he is trying harder to make conversation everything really is all about him. Some people are in need of extreme intervention before they can learn that there are 2 sides to a conversation. I know that even if the boss stayed I would become increasingly unhappy as there is no mental stimulation there. I need that part. I am an extrovert. I had a very busy weekend at my other volunteer place and thrived on it although I was very tired afterward.

Back to the idea of work. More money would be nice although I make enough to get by on. Having a daily routine would also be nice and having people to talk to daily would be superb. However, at every place where I work or volunteer I eventually slip into a dark hole and my moods drive people crazy. I don't know what to do. I want to crawl into bed and hide but I need to go out now.

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I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
(This post was last modified: 11-27-2013, 02:44 PM by The People.)
11-27-2013, 02:42 PM
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