Struggling

[MakersDozn]

We are safe. But we have had a great deal of difficulty lately, especially in dealing with anger. A lifetime of anger that we can't suppress anymore. We need to process this anger so that we can move forward, both in our healing and in our life.

This is affecting our ability to focus at work. Outside people have noticed how irritable we are. We feel hopeless and disempowered, like there's no way out of the choices that we've made.

On Wednesday evenings we go to T. This past Wednesday morning she left us a phone message at work saying that she had to cancel our appointment because her husband had had "a major heart attack." (Is there such a thing as a minor heart attack?)

Having our appointment cancelled really triggered us. We really needed a session, probably two sessions this week. We ended up getting approval to take Thursday and Friday off work (we were already scheduled to take off Friday).

Staying home helped. As much as it could without having the opportunity to go to T. Fast-forward to today (Sunday), and we can barely get out of bed. We're so distraught that we end up going to a walk-in crisis center about a 20-minute drive from our house.

Of course, we don't tell the crisis counselors that we're multiple. We just tell them we're very depressed (though safe), and that we are overwhelmed by a lifetime of repressed anger. We talk for an hour or so. We tell them that we haven't wanted to bother our T, even though she lets us call if we need to, because of the gravity of her husband's medical situation. They suggest that I call her right there, so that if for some reason she's unavailable, we can continue talking to the crisis counselors.

We call our T but have problems with our cell-phone connection. We try again on the crisis center's phone. Our T says that her husband is still in ICU and she basically sits with him during the day. And that we shouldn't worry about disturbing her, because all she can do for him is sit there anyway.

She tells us that given the way we seem to be feeling (overwhelmed, unable to focus), it would be a good idea to stay home from work one more day. We agree to call her back tomorrow (Monday) morning at 10:30.

After we hang up, the two crisis counselors seem to be satisfied that we have a good plan in place, and we say goodbye to them. At home, we spend time on the computer, trying to stay calm....and wondering whether we'll be able to work through all of this.

MDs

[mosaic]

wow, that's a whole lot to deal with MDs. we are glad you are safe.

having your T be unavailable like that is really hard. we remember a time when our old T was ill and unavailable for what seemed like an eternity - and it was very difficult to deal with.

we're here, listening ... would like to give you our phone number so you could call if that would help, but don't feel safe putting it here.

[nats]

sitting and listening if you want. did something specific trigger this or did it all just drop on you suddenly?

[MakersDozn]

Thank you both.

mosaic....thanks for the offer. We understand your concern about posting personal information in a public forum. We always have the option to email.

nats....it's just overload. What seems like an eternity of living in flashback mode, continually being bombarded by a lifetime of unresolved emotions from the past. It's a consequence of all the work that we've been doing in T. At some point we unearth the root of it all, and the root is ugly. And very difficult to process.

We spoke with our T on the phone for about 15 minutes this morning. She was home on a break from hospital visits, but she was expecting family to arrive at the house shortly and needed to make sure that the phone call and the visitors wouldn't overlap. So she said that she would call us back later this afternoon.

It's hard to believe that we're not imposing, that we're not a burden. But she was very firm in stating that we aren't, and that we can call her at any time if we need to. Even if she isn't able to talk at length. The insistent tone of her voice was enough to convince me, but it's hard not to be overwhelmed by old messages.

We tell her we just want to come to terms with our past and accept it so that we can heal. She says that we don't have to accept the unacceptable, but we do need to stay grounded so that our past doesn't prevent us from functioning in the present. I have mixed feelings about this.

Staying grounded is the most difficult thing. I want to run and hide and never come out again. I want to not be overwhelmed by the pain all the time. I want to not be neck-deep in anger, but somehow it feels like the anger is the only thing that can protect me.

But I will try. Right now I try only because our T says that I need to try.

Charity

[The People]

My two cents. First of all MD, congratulations on coming up wit a plan B and following through on it. You deserve an extra Snapple for that. Second, when I am angry words don't always work. So we often haul out other tools like crayons or whatever else we have around. Baths help us although not everybody. We have even napped in our shallow tub (one cannot drown in a bath tub as we just would wake up should we sink down)

Years ago we took modelling clay. Not play doh but the old hard to work with kind. The first thing was kneeding. Supposed to help but got boring quickly. So we started creating little models of things. Each thing, a cup, a crib board, whatever else was there, represented a person we held anger toward. This was unplanned. It just came to us as we were working with the red clay. If this doesn't work for you perhaps find something that does. Use your creative brain. Often where the best ideas come from. Something else we do is keep a running letter to T. You could email her and she might be able to answer sometimes or you could keep a letter running and give it to her when she is back in her office. One last thought that just came to me. I know you don't like to be around people a lot, especially at times like his. Perhaps you could drive your car to a more rural place. Near a lake where you could walk and throw rocks in the lake... whatever works for you. Kids are in school now in NY (?) so there won't be a lot of family gatherings etc. Timing seems to suck for us too re bad times and T being away. Obviously this is not about T being gone as it was already there. But for me when it happens it still feels wounding. Assure your littles that it is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong Above all, lok after yourself.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you for the ideas and for the support. We appreciate it.

We've been alternating time at the keyboard with time doing some things around the house. We have to do laundry and are getting things ready to take to the laundromat. We just want to wait until it's not so hot outside.

The biggest challenge is grounding and staying grounded. And resisting the urge to give in and give up.

Charity

[Tangled Web]

We are sorry you are going through a tough time MDs. Anger can be a very hard feeling deal with. I find a certain amount of anger is great being used as a protective shield from things but when it crosses that line.......it can be very difficult to control. We have used play dough in the past like people's suggestion of the clay but when something takes over and the anger needs more of outlet and we feel like smashing things-we use raw eggs. Something about the sound of them breaking against the wall (outside of course) or in the bath tub triggers a release of some kind for us.
Holding ice actually helps with triggers and grounding us. We focus on the ice and the cold and the water it creates in your hand when it starts to melt.
I am glad your T is still around for you and you are reaching out to her. I think that is amazing.
We are here listening and offering you blue flowers
TW

[MakersDozn]

We are doing better today.

1. We had our regular T appointment. She said she was only seeing a few people and that, given our situation, we were one of them. We asked her how her husband was doing, and she said that he was moved from ICU to the telemetry unit (a step up....as TW can confirm). And we talked about grounding.

2. We are trying hard not to let certain things bother us, especially at work. Most of these things involve control issues. We are learning to let go.

3. We are not having as many hot flashes.

Thank you, everyone.

Charity

[mosaic]

glad to hear you are doing better. so glad your T is seeing you.

[Tangled Web]

Glad things are going better also MDs. To be honest I have never heard of the telemetry unit. Here in Canada we have CCU-Critical cardiac unit and then once they stabilize they go to the cardiac unit upstairs. But I think the telemetry unit would be where they can monitor his heart, which would be the same as our cardiac unit. I am glad your T's husband is doing better though and has stabilized.
TW

[Tangled Web]

PS MDs- There is such a thing as a minor heart attack. It all depends on the damage % of the heart muscle and how clogged the arteries are. If an artery is completely blocked then the damage to the heart can be extensive. Hope this helps.

[57thomas]

MM, you've said a lot of things I can identify with. When the realization of DID hit me a couple of months ago, I went into a panic, with so much inner turmoil following. I was so looking forward to my next T appt, but she called that morning to cancel because of a death in the family, and waiting another week seemed like it might as well be a year. She keeps telling me to call her when things get really bad, but I just can't bring myself to do it. My parents drilled it into me for 18 years that I was nothing but a burden, and it's still there.

I'm working hard at staying grounded,too. Such a new thing for me, I dissociate out at the drop of a hat. Now that I realize that's why my memory is so bad I'm trying to practice mindfullness whenever I can, and not "skip out". It's not that I want to keep other parts of me in all the time, I'm just hoping things can be a little more orderly so I'm not so confused about what's going on.

I had my third EMDR session yesterday. This was the first time that it worked as described in the literature. The first two times it seemed like nothing happened (which really dissapointed me), but then it was like all hell broke loose in my head for the next few days. This time (maybe because I picked a more discreet target) we went through it and resolved it. But last night the tension was taking over and I knew anger was next (to be followed by depression) so I got on the elliptical machine for an hour, then went to the park and juggled/danced my heart out to some music for a couple more hours until I was worn out.

Anyway, I'm glad there are people like you I can relate to and talk to. Because I don't have a clue what the next few days will be like, lol.

[MakersDozn]

(08-28-2014, 03:27 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Glad things are going better also MDs. To be honest I have never heard of the telemetry unit. Here in Canada we have CCU-Critical cardiac unit and then once they stabilize they go to the cardiac unit upstairs. But I think the telemetry unit would be where they can monitor his heart, which would be the same as our cardiac unit. I am glad your T's husband is doing better though and has stabilized.
TW

You are correct. In the telemetry unit, they have the ability to more closely monitor the heart once the patient has stabilized. Guess the terminology is a Yank thing.

Allegra and others
(not a nurse, nor do we play one on TV)

[MakersDozn]

(08-28-2014, 03:40 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: PS MDs- There is such a thing as a minor heart attack. It all depends on the damage % of the heart muscle and how clogged the arteries are. If an artery is completely blocked then the damage to the heart can be extensive. Hope this helps.

Good point. We think that our father's heart attack (May 2010) may have been considered minor in the grand scheme of things. He was moved to the other unit in about three days. Our T's husband took a week or so.

Thanks,

Allegra and others

[MakersDozn]

Hi 57thomas,

We remember what it was like to be new at all this, 18 years ago. We have always been very high-functioning and very driven in our healing. We uncovered everyone in our system after about seven years. Of course, as we like to say, Your Mileage May Vary.

Now, so many years later, we're at the point where we're unearthing core issues that date back to our earliest formative years. We couldn't be doing this intense work without first doing the groundwork that's led up to it. And part of what we're learning at this stage is that unearthing deeply-rooted pain will make things seem a lot worse before they continue to get better.

These forums and this community have been a tremendous part of our healing. We have been here for over 17 years. It's been a lifeline, a place where we can be who we are, an oasis in a world where people like us are almost always misunderstood. We're very grateful for this place.

We hope that you too find healing on your journey.

Mary, Allegra, and others