Small Porgies here. Been an interesting summer. I'm getting closer to remembering. Traumatic memory is not as bad thought. I have a shoe box under a bed in a room in the house where the abuse took place and I take it out and I guess it is like looking at Polaroids. Anybody have something similar? I can look at some photos for a couple of seconds then everything blurs and vanishes.
one memory came back of my dad driving down the freeway when I was seven. I had my back to the driver side door and I was on his left thigh. He would gun the engine then start to open the door and I could feel myself slipping and seeing the pavement racing below me. I had to black out to get through it.
Anyhow, the problem being I have no ability to take care of myself. Taking care of things like money in the bank, going to the doctor, eating on a regular basis is almost as confusing as reading Chinese. I have no problem, and in fact I excel at helping others achieve their dreams. If I could turn that energy toward me my life would change dramatically. I have no understanding of the words abundance and healthy self care. Homelessness is a common theme for me. I've never been there but I have been very close to it.
My therapist and I tried very hard to find the tapes that are running the program. At the end these two statements popped up. "There is no me and I have no value." So, the homework was to try to prove or disprove these two ideas. I mean I feel I'm on the verge of self nurturing but I eventually take away anything that matters to me because I see it as selfishness. Others first has always been the rallying cry. My therapist actually reminded me that I can no longer help others. My empathy and compassion is killing me. Had no idea that loving myself would be so bloody difficult. Hope you are all well.
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