Another day of struggling

[MakersDozn]

Agreeing with nats and TW. Igraine, we hope to see you back here soon.

MDs

[Cammy]

Igraine has returned after happily serving her self-imposed sentence. When I feel I have wronged and the wrong may have created harm, I have a strong sense of self-justice. It's sort of like if I do not balance out the negative energy I have created, it will return to me in a very unpleasant way. I know this all sounds really 'new age-y', but it's not that at all. It's just that I have found this to be a consistent reality in my life. If I don't take action, it's like the universe will do it for me and in ways that I have no control over. It's much better for me to create this balance on my own terms and at least I know what's coming. I've had too many unpleasant surprises all my life and lately in particular to chance upsetting this strange balance aspect of my life. So the punishment was truly necessary to prevent something unpleasant from happening to me. Sounds crazy. Probably. But it doesn't alter the fact that this is a reality in my life. I thank you for your indulgence. Igraine.

[Cammy]

It all goes on: Being overdosed on thyroid medication led to severe anxiety/panic, leasing to 2 months of high dose Lorazepam, leading to needing withdrawal from Lorazepam by crossing over to Valium, leading to taking months of Valium at slowly reducing doses to safely taper off of the Valium. The high anxiety from the thyroid o.d. led to severe gastritis, bone density loss, immune system compromise and a nasty case of thrush refractory to all traditional meds. So now I'm tapering the Valium, fighting the thrush with special probiotics that give me migraines, treating the gastritis, have Candida 'die off flu', delightful withdrawal symptoms, and am looking forward to months of Valium post-taper withdrawal symptoms. Oddly enough, I'm okay about all this because I feel like I'm in control and really DOING something about all of this. It gives me focus and purpose and goals, and there have been improvements, though slight, but improvements none the less. Lots of sliding backwards at times, but I don't get discouraged, I plod on. Every day brings new lessons. It's a little thing called life.

[nats]

hi Igraine,
good to see you back and taking control of what we can choose to control in life

[MakersDozn]

Yes, we're glad that you're back, Igraine, and that you're taking care of yourselves.

MDs

[Cammy]

Thank you for the welcome back and your indulgence of this little peculiarity of mine. Feels good to be back. Igraine.

[Tangled Web]

Welcome back. I am glad you are back.
TW

[Cammy]

During the time from Jan 2013 on, I was given twice the amount of thyroid hormone I needed pushing me into hyperthyroidism with severe anxiety 24/7 & panic attacks, 1-2 hours sleep/night, etcetera. Was given a benzodiazepine for 6-8 weeks on a daily basis, which then created an addiction making the anxiety worse. Pdoc quickly switched us to Valium and since about April have been doing a Valium taper that will take a total of 10 months to complete. I am an 'accidental addict'. I have since found out that that as little as 2 weeks on these drugs will create an addiction which if stopped suddenly not only risk life-threatening seizures, but an actual state of withdrawal that can last for YEARS. Y E A R S. Have spoken to others suffering through this incapacitating withdrawal syndrome. No words can describe their Hell. All because they had severe anxiety and took a prescription and their doctors did not know that these drugs require months of slow withdrawal. Heroin, meth, morphine...picnic withdrawals compared to this. Why? Because no one educates the doctors. Most of them are not even aware of any of this.

I tapered too fast over the last few weeks and got slammed when it caught up to me. It felt like freezing and burning up at the same time, pain everywhere, every mental illness you have ever suffered from exploding exponentially inside your head, massive anxiety, and then some. Like falling off a cliff and waiting to hit the rocks below. Unbelievable. Painful. Unendurable. Yet these people live like this for years waiting for their central nervous system to repair. They are the most courageous people I know. None of them asked for this. They suffer unimaginably...each minute 24/7 is an eternity in Hell. I had a taste of it the other day, and I don't know if I would want to survive if I were them. So what do they do? They go on a website and support others going through their tapers and withdrawal. They warn and teach and help. True heroes in every respect. I am humbled by their sheer determination and compassion in the midst of their terrible suffering. The most remarkable people humanity possesses are found in the most unlikely places. When I think I'm having a rough day or night because of withdrawal symptoms, I just think of them, and it gives me the courage to endure what is going to take up the next 1-1/2 years of my life (this includes acute withdrawal after the taper is done). Best of all it keeps me far away from self-pity and makes me try to keep moving forward in the face of this unexpected tragedy that has befallen me. Thanks to them, I am able to go on every single day, even when I hit a stretch where I am being dragged over broken glass. These are my true idols. It leaves me with little or nothing to whine about, and that is great.

[Cammy]

My battle with my withdrawal from 6 weeks of Lorazepam use in April is ongoing. Each time I make up a new taper plan, my CNS GABA receptors make me change it. Dealing with the drugstore has been a nightmare. The doctor gives me a prescription for X number of meds. I go to fill it. Out of courtesy I show them the latest taper plan so they know what the heck I am doing with these drugs. I give them extra time to fill the Rx...extra days in fact. I go back in and they have screwed up 75% of the prescription. Shorted me by huge amounts on one med, and not even bothered to fill the smaller dose Valium needed. Also gave me the wrong opiate even though I have been getting the same prescription for ages. Why, I asked them. Turns out they are trying to put their own interpretation on what I need right now and what I can get later. The taper plan clearly states that it is subject to change at a moments notice depending on patient response. I have already had to change it since last week. I had to get stern with them. I had to tell them to fill the prescriptions as written by the doctor and stop trying to put their own spin on things. How hard is it? The prescriptions are very clear - X number of tablets of Xmg drug. Period. Normally I would change drugstores, but have found other drugstores making multiple errors as well. This scares me. Less savvy customers might be getting the wrong drugs and doses and not realize it. This sudden spate of pharmacy incompetence is like an epidemic that I've noticed over the last 6 months or so. It's making me crazy. If their ineptitude causes me any harm or screws up this very precarious withdrawal process, then I'm going to do something I've never entertained before in my life - get a lawyer and sue the crap out of them. Enough is enough. I've NEVER seen anything like it. So, this last fiasco, I pushed the bottles back across the counter to the pharmacist who by now had blanched to a pasty white color (and she is not Caucasian). I told her respectfully but firmly to fill the prescription IN FULL as written by the doctor and not call me until it was done correctly. She meekly agreed as a tendril of sweat rolled off her forehead indicating to me a person that KNEW this was all wrong. I go back next week - yes, I am giving them a whole week to get their act together. Heaven help them if they screw this up again. What the Hell is the matter with these people all of a sudden? Like I said, it scares me. This keeps up and it's inevitable that someone soon is going to be seriously hurt or worse.

[dragonfairy]

Ingraine,

We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling so hard with the pharmacy and they just dont seem to understand or even care as to how their inept ways affect you. We can't blame you for being so upset and frusterated in any way. We would be irate at this point and would have already lost it so we have to say in that way you are much stronger than we are! We have been fighting for months with the insurance company to pay for certain meds they feel that at our "young age" we should not have to have but nothing as far as with the pharmacy itself. We wish there was something we could say or do other than we are here to listen and talk as you need to vent. Have missed being in the group amoungst our friends. Took us a bit to find our way back bust realized that this is where we have felt more "at home" then any other place in a long time. We surely hope that for their sake they get things right soon as if not world war III just might have to take place!

dragonfairy

[Cammy]

My whole life is swallowed up with having to spend the next year and a half withdrawing from a benzodiazepine I only took for six weeks or so. Nothing I've ever been through can compare. I represent tens of thousands of accidental addicts. The suffering and disability to these people is indescribable. Now, it is really about TIME, patience, careful slow withdrawal, and trying not to lose our empathy for people who are suffering less but who feel like their world is coming apart. I moderate on a depression/anxiety site. It is really getting hard to comfort people who are obviously not even 1/100th as distressed as I am 24/7. I have to dig deep into my empathy pockets and remind myself that from their perspective the world is falling apart. Obviously to them this is the worst thing they've ever experienced. Obviously they haven't done much if any real suffering before. I know this sounds terrible, but I just want to smack some of them with their whiny little issues. Maybe it's time to not moderate on that type of site anymore. I am working more effectively on sites with others going through benzo withdrawal. I guess that's where I need to be right now. I guess in a way I have lost my empathy for people whose biggest gripe is that they have trouble saying no when relatives want to stay the weekend. See what I mean?

[Blue]

Yo Igraine. Sorry to hear you're in such distress. We too have been through benzo withdrawal and it's not f***ing easy. We have come through the other end now and would never take that sh*t again! I hope ya can find some peace soon. we're here for ya if ya want us to be.
Cheers, Blue.

[Cammy]

Blue: Thank you so much for responding. WOW. I know that you know what I'm going through. I feel so isolated because there is nothing like this. I've had to withdraw from 22 years of SSRIs and from opiates once...nothing compared to this. May I ask how long, what kind of benzo were you on and how long did you taper and how did you taper (I've crossed over to Valium and am at 14.5mg/day from 30mg/day). Everytime I get under the 15mg mark, it all comes apart on me. Sigh. Yep, Hell is what this is. I am so glad you posted. Makes me feel not so damn alone in this thing (tears). Thanks Blue.

[The People]

I have days like that. Where the emotions for the things I thought I dealt with will suddenly be front and centre.

A couple of things. My thought on waking up crying is that a little one is waking first. Perhaps if you tell her that she (he) is safe now and find a special way to comfort everyone on those days it will help the upset self come forward and talk or draw about what is going on.

Voice of Reason huh? Makes sense. Some of our others choose different names than Kate or Sarah or whatever. Perhaps Voice of Reason is a Guardian who is there to help you. Maybe ask her/him what they think you should do next? Help you to make a plan so that you can feel like you are in charge.

The other day I asked about creativity and I was pleased and surprised at all of the things you named as talents that you had. Life is hard for us multies. In your basket of goods there must be a way to resolve this issue.

[Cammy]

Now I am inarticulate. Can't get the GABA thing across to non benzoites. Positively inarticulate.