Therapy................

[Tangled Web]

Well we have been plugging away in therapy and getting to know this new T. She is nice and always seems to have plan which we look for and are happy for the direction. (She doesn't "plan" anything we are not comfortable with) and we are able to say no to her and she is able to hear us when we do. So things have been going pretty well in therapy. She has been trying to get know how our system works and how we all function, it has been basically information gathering, which has always been kinda a safe thing for us. She told us that we are quite a ways in therapy process already, which we were grateful to hear because at least we know we didn't waist the whole 4 years we spent with our previous therapist. It has helped us to see just how far we have come.
Well she mentioned something to me the last time I saw her about what she would like to start doing in the next couple of weeks. You see, she gives us these little projects to do at home during the week and then we bring in the completed assignments and show her. It is great and we realize how much we thrive on them and enjoy doing them (to a point, all wouldn't agree). So we have had direction and have been going somewhere, which is soooooooooo nice to feel.

But at the end of our last session last week when she suggested that in a couple of weeks, she would like to start meeting the others and would like us to start writing down our headlines and then eventually get to their stories..........I felt like I was facing this deep bottomless gorge with no way over it. And that feeling has stuck with me for the whole week. It kinda makes sense that this would be our next step, but I have to admit, I didn't see it coming. I understand what she is saying and like I said after a lot of thought, this should be the next step. But I don't know if I can do this again. And to be honest, I don't even know where my feelings on this topic end and where the others inside feelings begin.

Our old therapist, she met a lot of us, she spoke to them, and they wanted to talk to her. I don't remember how all that was even started, how we got to that point where it was just ok to be US, whoever that might have been at the time. Our new T asked us that last week, how our old T was able to talk to the others and how she went about doing that, and I told her I had no idea, they just did but I know it wasn't always like that, it just grew into that.
So the thing is, I don't have that feeling inside that someone is dying to get out and talk to our new T and I don't know if that is me blocking it or if they just really don't want to talk to her. And I don't know if I really want her to talk to them either. To open up our world once again and have someone come in and muck around in things once again...........and then I think ok then why am I in therapy any ways??????/ Then that opens up a whole other issue all together...........

Our old T didn't end things very well with us imo. I had gone in and told her I was quitting T with her and that I had found another T with experience in DID and I thought it was time I moved on. Well she told me that she thought that was a great idea and then we said goodbye. That was it. 4 YEARS with her and that was it. I emailed her when I got home and told her I couldn't stop crying (which I NEVER EVER cry btw) and she responds to me by saying well it is just the changes, you will be fine. There was NO closure. She had relationships with so many people inside and not once did she mention them, or say goodbye to them, or even think about them! And now this new T wants to start meeting the "others" inside..........How am I supposed to do that? Open ourselves back up to that. This is where my thinking goes and I can't think my way out of it. It just stops right there, with nothing........no thoughts what so ever.........just that never ending bottomless gorge in front of me.

Well thanks for listening.
Emma

[mosaic]

share the feelings you wrote here with your t. that's my unsolicited advice. that's the best way to work through whatever is going on for you(s). if i was your t (and i had made that suggestion, which i probably wouldn't but we'll just go on that premise) i would want you to tell me about your reservations, and your experience of facing that bottomless gorge. and that it might just be too soon for your others - they haven't had an opportunity to build any trust.. especially in light of how badly your other t ended things.

we hope you can work with your current t and have a say in what happens.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks mosaic. I have been thinking about that also, telling my T about my reservations about her meeting the others. Things have ben going well with her and I didn't want to mess it up. Not sure if that makes any sense, but that is what comes to mind when I think about telling her about how I feel on that subject. Things have been flowing so well and I have been so open with her, but now all I feel like ..........I open my mouth to talk and nothing comes out. The words have been taken.

I just figured something out, I think. I am used to handing T's these neatly wrapped boxes after I have figured things out on my own and then I will explore it with them then. I never go in and get them to help me to me figure things out, and let them help me get that solid base with them. So maybe that is what you are describing here, that is a very new concept. Talk to her about how I am feeling, even though I have no solution in sight or all of the words to describe it, it is just all in a mess. So try to just hand her over the mess that is in front of me.
I will think about this some more and see if I can figure out what that would look like. And I do feel we all have a say in what happens with our new T and she does respect that.
I guess I was just trying to figure out a way to move forward with her suggestions and was looking for a way to get around the gorge without having to look at it. I didn't want to have to give myself permission to say no I don't want to do that with her yet. I wanted to be ready, I wanted to keep moving forward, but you are right. They are not ready for this ( I don't think they are). Well it is safe to say I am NOT ready for this. Thank you for your feedback.
your friend
Tangled (Emma)

[Cammy]

I agree...share what you've just posted and tell her that this isn't going to happen right now. Point blank. Remind her that she is to "first do no more harm", and her idea about meeting and greeting your system is definitely going to cause you harm right now. Handle this with some straight shooting dialogue. Time to put the brakes on.[/i]

[Tangled Web]

Well I was able to talk to my T about how I was feeling about the bottomless gorge that was in front of me. She told me there was no pressure and if it a took a year for her to meet the others she could understand that.
So when I got home I sent her this long email that had a list of questions with it and some answers to some of her questions that I was not able to answer in front of her in her office. She usually doesn't respond back to my emails and waits for us to discuss it when I see her again but this time she did respond. She told me it was very helpful, the information I had given her and that it made sense to her and it was ok to send it. I kinda still need permission or reassurance that what I had said was ok, and she gives that to me.
It amazes me how good it feels to be actually heard. How once I feel I have that understanding and feel I have been heard, I am more willing to move forward with things, think more about things, and plan on how to do the next step by exploring within.
It is like, well for me..........I start going in a direction and things are fine with that and then it gets harder so I stop and look around, or freeze in one spot depending on what is going on. And in the past I used to have to back track and try to go a different way because I was expected to be at that place already, but it isn't like that with this new T. When I freeze or stop, I can email her my concerns or fears or talk to her about it, to a point (that is why email is sooooooo important to us) and it is ok that I stopped or froze and she listens to me. She doesn't try to convince me that she won't do the things I am afraid of( she does tell me she won't but she doesn't make it about her and try to convince me. There is a difference), or remind me why I am there, or just brush my concerns aside like they aren't important or try to plow through the walls. She just stops along side of me and basically listens and it feels ok to just stop there for awhile. I don't know if this is making sense or not, but it is a nice feeling, and I must admit it surprises me, this isn't something I am accustomed to feeling.
Any ways just wanted to let you know it went well. Thanks for listening.
Emma

[nats]

thanks for letting us know Emma, it sounds really positive.

[mosaic]

Emma you did a really courageous thing sharing with your t like you did - and i'm so glad it has been positive for you.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks.
Emma

[finlyalive]

Gosh, all that sounds so familiar. I'm so glad you have such a supportive therapist. I'm really glad you took the risk. I'm not sure we can. But, I think we're going to try. Thank you for that.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks. I am glad to and I am sure you can too. I understand how scary it can be but I do believe it is worth it!
TW

[The People]

We just saw this post. The series rather. I really like how you worked through it even though you were in quite a panic.

People ask us "How Many". Somewhere along the way someone decided that it was better that we not know for safety and other reasons. In reality I don't think anybody know. So we say that, and say that there are about a dozen out front who run the show most of the time.

Writing has been our way of dealing with things forever. We are like the Irish when it comes to talking (not meant as a slur as many Irish will agree with me). I can talk all day and say nothing. If I really want to speak I write it down. The hard and dark stuff. This worked especially well early on in T when the fear of telling anything was so strong. The dark times came with so many warnings....

Now we do talk once trust is there. But we also still write. Poems, stories that or real or based on real, pieces of our puzzle... whatever works.

I am glad your T allowed you to read and acknowledged that it was helpful to her. That would mean a lot to me. Knowing that I helped T help me.

We keep a list of some of us who are out at least some of the time. With each T we bring in the list. There are always changes to be made in one way or another but it is about what we want to tell as individuals. When we came, name, age, role we play, things we like and don't like. Ts find it helpful and sometimes when we pull out the list we are able to see growth in the way we change the information around. Good luck to you and this new T. You are very strong.

[Tangled Web]

Thanks for the response. I really like how you worded how the dark times came with so many warnings. That is how it is for us also. So many warnings and writing IS the only way we know how to make things work or get the information out there. We are starting to trust our new T and it is such a fragile thing. I am so worried right now that it will be broken because it is so easy to break. I am just now coming out of one of those dark times, and kinda went backwards for awhile. Felt like it lasted for months but it has been a little over a week I think or maybe 2. One of the reasons I love calendars so much, keep track of the days even if you don't remember what happened in them you can still keep track of the days.
Tangled

[The People]

When you are swimming against the tide you will have to stop and rest at times. This will result I you being pulled backward a bit. However, with determination and a bit of rest the arms will start moving again and progress will be made. My first real T used to tell me I cannot really go back to where I started because I had learned too much to start at the beginning. Made sense.

[Tangled Web]

Yes that does make sense and I agree with your T. Knowledge is power and change is never ending with everything you learn. I only wish we could develop some kind of foresight to see the tidal pool before we are stuck in the middle of it. I think it would make things so much easier and less draining and hopefully avoidable.
Tangled