Scared, Skeptical, and have no idea

[finlyalive]

I've been with my current therapist for three years and she knows that we are 'we'. She has accepted it and believes it. She has never dealt with it before and she has absolutely no idea who she is ever speaking to. (ok, so that comes with 'playing' therapy) Apparently, week before last, someone else offered information. I learned this Tuesday when my T announced that there had been an "breakthrough". Now, I'm scared to death. She wants to meet one of my others and I don't know how to do that. I don't pull them out of a magicians hat. How do you manage to bring one forth? There are some that I can be co-conscious with, but this is not one of them. If this one does come forth, what if the T doesn't believe her? What if she can't help? I'm terrified for next week.

Fin

[MakersDozn]

Hi Fin,

Our own experience is that insiders can't be summoned out at will. We have people in our system that could benefit greatly from coming out and talking to our T. In fact, our collective healing depends on it. But these insiders don't come out unless they're ready and willing.

That being said, in your relationship with your T, you are a consumer paying her for her services. You call the shots, not your T.

And we believe that whoever is in charge on the inside has a right to know anything that significantly impacts the system as a whole. So you have a right to hear about this "breakthrough" from your T even if the insiders in question aren't present.

Just our 94 cents.

Mary and Allegra

[finlyalive]

This has been a way of life forever. Sometimes, dealing with things seems like a good idea and sometimes it doesn't. After all, it has gotten this body through life. The swiss cheese memory can be annoying, but also a relief. Can't help but wonder what the real ultimate goal is and whether it is worth it or not. Fear has a way of creeping in and saying it isn't worth it. Desperation says it is worth it. It seems everyone wants something different. How do you come to a decision? Ignoring it worked for a while, but they will not be ignored for long. The depression gets so deep, the anxiety so over the top. The frustration is beyond belief. We'll never be normal. We'll always be we and that is okay. We're not sure what her intentions are. Perhaps that is the first goal -- finding out what her goal is.

Thank you Mary and Allegra. You give a new perspective.

[Cammy]

My experience has been not to allow therapists who are unfamiliar with or don't specialize in DID to tamper with me too much. They don't mean to but they can do great harm because they really don't know what they're doing. The fact that she thinks you can just magically switch to whomever she wants to dialogue with is a red flag of someone who is out of her element. Please be careful. I would also ask her what this 'break through' is...you have a right to know. Sorry if I scared you, didn't mean to, but this therapist is inexperienced with DID and I felt I needed to point that out.

[nats]

we just finished with a very nice T who had no DID experience. it was similar to what you describe. so, those who could have benefited most from talking never chose to b/c they decided early on that she was useless and couldn't help them. so we spent several years showing up and discussing superficial things in the hope that it would do some good. it helped me understand outside people and the world better, but i'm quite well-adjusted to begin with. 4yrs of T never touched the deeper issues. so, what others here are saying about finding a T with experience makes sense to me as well.

[Tangled Web]

We just finished with a T who has never had any experience dealing DID either and started over. She was helpful in many ways and I did learn from her. I couldn't get to a level I needed to be at with her so I decided to move on and got tired of hearing the words that she has never done this before. I think when you say that maybe it is time to find out what "HER" goal is was a warning for me. This isn't about "her" goals, its about your and what you want. Maybe that should be the next step is trying to figure that out imo. I do understand the fear thing very well and wanting to know but not wanting to know and how ignoring the others only works for a short time and in my experience usually ends up making things worse. I also cannot make anyone come out on command. If they don't want to talk then they don't talk no matter how often or how many times they are called. I hope you find what you are looking for. And the anxiety lessons for you.
TW

[jamdjohnson]

It is important to have a therapist who knows what he/she is doing. Sometimes therapists become curious because it is "new" to them and it becomes a fascination instead of treatment. There has to be significant trust for parts to come out and talk to a therapist or it just becomes another ab*sive relationship where you are trying to please the therapist and it isn't safe. I found that once my parts trusted the therapist, and I relaxed internally, that any part would come out who was called but that trust and safety had to be there first. You know what is best for you better than anyone else. Trust your judgement and if you think it is a bad idea. It probably is.

[nats]

(05-13-2013, 05:08 PM)jamdjohnson Wrote: It is important to have a therapist who knows what he/she is doing. Sometimes therapists become curious because it is "new" to them and it becomes a fascination instead of treatment. There has to be significant trust for parts to come out and talk to a therapist or it just becomes another ab*sive relationship where you are trying to please the therapist and it isn't safe. I found that once my parts trusted the therapist, and I relaxed internally, that any part would come out who was called but that trust and safety had to be there first. You know what is best for you better than anyone else. Trust your judgement and if you think it is a bad idea. It probably is.

well said.

[finlyalive]

Those all make sense. We have "stuck it out" with this therapist because she would stick with us. We won't seek treatment after this. It is all just too much to start over. This, too, may just be another ab*sive relationship as Jam said. Why is it easier that way?

[nats]

(05-15-2013, 10:10 PM)finlyalive Wrote: Those all make sense. We have "stuck it out" with this therapist because she would stick with us. We won't seek treatment after this. It is all just too much to start over. This, too, may just be another ab*sive relationship as Jam said. Why is it easier that way?

can't face starting with a new one either. prefer to accept ourselves the way we are and go from there than face another round with another T - probably wrong in this, but feel like you expressed, it's just too much.

[shades]

Wow, I disagree with a lot that was written in this thread. My therapist didn't have any experience with DID and she helped us immensely. On the other hand, I've heard a lot of "experts" say some really stupid things.
I didn't see anything in Fin's first post that suggested the T is being "abusive."

Fin, do you trust this therapist? Has she kept good boundaries with you? Are you willing to talk to her more openly about your concerns that you brought up in your first post? I think your instinct to find out why she wants to meet one of your others was a good one, and I am sorry that you got talked out of it. Understanding a therapist's intentions can be important. Maybe she can explain it and you can talk it through and tell her your own perspective. If you decide that you (all) don't want her asking for others to come forth, and she doesn't respect whatever boundary you choose to draw, then I would become more concerned that there is a problem.

If you really believe there is a problem with this therapist and have had that feeling before you got the input here, then please go with what you feel. But it sure seems to me like people here have jumped the gun and much of the "red flag" advice is based on other people's own negative experiences, not necessarily on what you have written here.

Your first post talks about your fears about "what if" things happen in therapy, and these are important concerns that you could talk to your therapist about if you are willing and feel it is a safe enough relationship to let her know you are scared.

[Reilly]

Great topic!
My son too has been through several therapists who claimed to understand DID but really didn't and sadly it only deepened his trust issues. It stinks to have to explain one's story over and over and quite frankly be disbelieved and thought of as psychotic. I am beginning to believe that only a person with DID or a significant other who truly "gets it" should treat DID clients.
I have decided to take a new approach to therapy for my son. He needs help with the sadness and rage and post traumatic stress stuff. If a therapist can assist him with coping skills so that he can live a positive day to day life that would be great.
Perhaps one day DID will be viewed in a positive light. Perhaps a list can be compiled of good therapists so that those seeking help can feel confident that they are receiving the best therapeutic interventions.
One could hope!

[finlyalive]

There have been some horrific experiences with past therapists. The one before this current therapist promised to be there for me no matter how long it took, "even if it takes 20 years". Within a couple of months, she told me that she had too great a workload and that her doctor had suggested she reduce her schedule. You guessed it, that meant us. She didn't even give us a closure session until we threatened to go to her superiors. She had at one point given us her cell phone number and email and encouraged us to call her whenever we needed her. She stopped responding before she decided to end the sessions. So many of us trusted her and it was the only time in our lives that we had a true connection with someone. She understood it because she was highly dis-associative herself. We had no control with her whatsoever. Switching occurred frequently according to her and I guess it was just too much for her.

This current therapist has crossed boundaries many times only to re-establish them and confuse the whole system. She encouraged us to email her and then stated that she didn't think email was a secure way to communicate. She gave us her cell number and then asked us not to use it (we didn't anyway). She brought her computer to the house when it needed fixed. She told us she would never lie to us, but then, she did. It wasn't major. She said she had a conference and then we learned that she had gone on vacation. Again, nothing major, but why lie? She also brought her computer to the house with a virus after her daughter's boyfriend downloaded a virus and she was texting her daughter telling her that she was somewhere else. If she would lie to her own daughter...? Just little things. She has promised to stick with us. She has stated that she believes us and that everyone is welcome there. she has made it clear that the psychiatrist at this facility does NOT believe in MPD/DID. There are many more complications.

Trust? I don't know if that is even a consideration anymore. We live on an "it's now or never" timeline. Desperate for re-assurance, understanding and some way to fill in some of the gaps. Of course, that is only some of the time. Fear takes front stage so much of the time. If it was bad enough for the memories to be taken away, should it remain that way? I do believe that the people she sees are defensive and skeptical. Apparently, she has been told off more than once. She is also aware of just how close the whole teeters on the edge. Overall, we come out with more questions than we went in with. Should we actually trust her, who will be there for support or help if we get in trouble? That is really scary.

[nats]

hi finly,
sounds really hard. for us, we don't trust people who don't seem trustworthy. that doesn't mean they can't be helpful in other ways, but trust is different. to us, trust requires trustworthiness.

[Elizabethn]

I have avoided responding to this thread for a while. Every time I come back and read it again, my gut and teeth clench and I have to swallow a very harsh response (directed at the OP's t's description of someone else talking as a "breakthrough"). That word and the attitude it conveys makes my skin crawl and leads me to wonder what on earth she has been reading about dissociation and what kind of professional supervision and instruction she has been getting. There is SO much wrong with that description that I want to just rant and rant about it, from the perspective of long term client and counselor-in-training.

So, let me try to structure my ranting thoughts as gently as possible, k? And keep in mind that it comes from a "ranting" perspective and take it with grains of salt when it gets intense.

1. Being many, or being dissociative, IS NOT A DISEASE/SICKNESS/DISORDER. We who are this way are only "disordered" insofar as life is not working well for us. There is no blueprint for treatment that applies to all.

2. YOU, the client, get to decide treatment goals. Nobody else.

3. It's oh, so easy to decide that something that varies in our heads from some idea of "reality" makes us sick, crazy, disabled. Too many t's buy into that. Back up and look at your life. How are you functioning REALLY? Are you living on your own? Responsible for yourself? What brought you into therapy? Was that thing that sent you to T "crazier" that what the therapist thinks is "crazy" about you? Compare and contrast. If the therapist says you are "crazier" than you know yourself to be, that's a big yellow flag.

4. Too many t's get overinvolved in the "exoticness"of our "condition." That is f*ck*d up and a major red flag. T's are responsible for finding our functionality, supporting it and building on what is working in our lives. If your t isn't doing that, RUN.

Okay, I'm stopping now.