Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

That's it! That's exactly how my head feels - like a software glitch! I like that, can I keep it? It works for me...software glitch. Tee-hee.

[Cammy]

22 April. Safe as houses. I keep posting to the back of this thread half hoping to not be noticed. I need to vent, but I'm not one for pulling too much attention to myself. I keep hoping that as this thread gets longer and longer and more repetitive, it will just kind of be ignored. But I need this, especially when I'm feeling as lost and hopeless as I am right now. It's like this is all I know how to do for myself anymore, and it's not enough. The isolation. Words no longer can meet the requirements of what I need to express. I used to be a person. I had a job. I got things done. Then, little by little, destruction came and picked away until nothing was left. Can barely leave the house now. Can't seem to do anything because very little matters anymore. But when I finally take that one courageous moment to reach out, it proved to be too much for the recipient, and I am trashed once more. Scared today. So very scared. I'm just sitting here waiting for the meds to catch up to the terror. Always waiting for the moment to get better. It will, but while time has us trapped in these vile dark places, it is always a forever kind of wait. Courage is gone right now. Doesn't exist at this phase between extreme terror and meds kicking in. I keep thinking about how I cry at night before I sleep and how I do the same when I wake up, and things start to lose all their relevance for me. Like why bother perpetuating such a painful existence? Don't be concerned...I already said I'm safe, it's just that Im not okay. Sometimes not being okay really bothers me, like right now. I don't know what outsiders imagine DID is like, but for me I can sum it up as pain wrapped in pain wrapped in more pain. I hope that I can move forward away from being this horribly dysfunctional. Already two years in bed, and another year perched on the side of the bed...progress. I'm just not interested in a damn thing anymore...nothing. I've become a complete unperson like in an Orwellian nightmare. I know that I am the only one that can make this stop and make things move again, but I just sit here, and sit here, and sit here hoping that maybe in the illusive and unattainable tomorrow I will actually get up and try to do SOMETHING. Okay drugs...hurry up before I start trying to chew my leg out of this trap. I need human comfort. I need someone to care. I need a little understanding. I need a doctor who gives enough of a sh*t to even bother looking up DID in the dictionary. Once we start losing those people who understand us, we lose our equilibrium and our desire to fight on. We lose what tiny human connection we had and we lose hope. I'm tired of this, so maybe I need to change it. I just need to get up...up Crap, this just gets harder and harder. No replies required. None of this will be pertinent an hour from now. What can I say? It's just another day in the life of those of us who are sitting in the window seat on the bus to Hell. Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, whine.

[Tangled Web]

I don't think you are whining Igraine, and we can understand and hear what you are saying. We care about what you are going through and hope tomorrow fares better than tonight. We will sit here and listen and offer comfort to you if only through the words on this page.
Tangled

[nats]

we actually think it's a brilliant solution to keep posting again and again at the end of this thread - it helps you and hurts no one. we read and probably some others read, and we think of you and hope that you're doing OK despite all the not-OKs.

[Cammy]

Thanks all for your continued support. It helps so much to be understood in our darkest moments.

Today Igraine got a job! Yes, a real job. Was T's idea for us to get out be with people a bit more but in a low stress kind of way, so we went out and did it! Big smiles over that one. It's a nothing job, but a big deal to us, so we are being happy about it. Bad thing...can't sleep in tomorrow. What's up with that? Are they serious? (joking).

[Tangled Web]

Congrats Igraine!!!!!! That is awesome news and good luck on your first day tomorrow(actually today. Will be thinking of yous.
TW

[nats]

Congratulations! Let us know how it goes.

[Cammy]

The dress code at work is BLACK and there is a zero tolerance policy on disrespectful behavior. I actually feel comfortable and SAFE there. WOW!

[Tangled Web]

I am glad and happy for you Igraine.
TW

[nats]

(04-24-2013, 11:32 PM)Igraine Wrote: The dress code at work is BLACK and there is a zero tolerance policy on disrespectful behavior. I actually feel comfortable and SAFE there. WOW!

fantastic!!

[Cammy]

Been working four days now. Big shock physically after doing nothing for so long (in bed two years, then sitting on the bed for another year or so), but we think it's good for us...especially that it puts structure in our day. But tired...holy smokes SO TIRED. This will take some getting used to. I race home so I can just get stuff done so I can just go to bed. It was only supposed to be part time, but they really needed me to be there full time right now due to personnel crisis. Didn't want to say no. Really am in a financial crunch at present.

Hope the body can handle it. Tonight Im SO tired I feel nauseated. This is normal, right? Some shared experiences would really help with the anxiety right now. Fatigue to the point of vomiting type stories would be good. I can start to freak over the weirdest stuff. Thanks all for helping calm this down for me. Igraine et al.

[nats]

we find interacting with people - e.g. days when we teach or are at meetings - really exhausting. for us it's not the physical work, it's the dealing with people that tires us, whether work or 'social'.

if you haven't been doing any of that in awhile, think that being absolutely exhausted would be quite normal. give yourself some time to adjust.

[Tangled Web]

I have had the feeling of wanting to puke before because of being so utterly exhausted from working too much. It was after I did 7 twelve hour shifts in a row and I didn't even remember what I was doing anymore. I dropped for 2 days and was down for the count. Sometimes it amazing us though just how far we can actually push this body.
TW

[Cammy]

April 30th: This job thing. Been in bed for years and was only supposed to do part time. Worked 7 days straight with another 3 wk stretch coming because people are on vacation. I was supposed to ease back into this. The emotional brutality of my workplace is overwhelming for me. The physical pain of doing the work due to previous injuries has caused a huge escalation in opiate use just to get through the day. I drive home cross-eyed, falling asleep, and cry all the time. The only person there who IS a person is this guy I was told to avoid because he's "off". Well, all he has is a severe speech impediment making him difficult to understand so I can see how the ignorant "normals" stay away and isolate this poor soul who is quite nice and has no mental impairment at all. The "normals" really p*ss me off. They have no concern for other's disabilities and they are all as far away from me as the next galaxy. Can't relate to them at all. Never will. nats was right, interacting with people is the real cruncher...makes us realize how far apart we are and it's hard to relate. The best part of my day is when I get to help a handicapped or elderly person with something...here is where I am the most comfortable. Help them get to a wheel chair, help them to the bathroom, or help them with a problem...I relate-I connect-I feel I'm doing what my aptitudes drive me to do. I get to exercise my compassion. But the moments are fleeting and I'm back to the world of the "normals" - the employees that live in a land far away from mine (except the guy with the speech issues). I'm not going to make it. I can feel it coming. I'm trying SO hard, but nothing I do seems good enough. I'm getting sick...physically and psychologically. But I'll keep trying...one day at a time. I was not meant to work this much at first...just part time. If people would LISTEN maybe they would have heard this or read it on the application. I'm beginning to think that 'normals' are either very stupid or just don't care.

[nats]

sounds like the work situation is really deteriorating. is there a way you could politely remind them that you work part-time and have other commitments?