Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

Okay, impossible as this sounds, where I live there is an ER and an urgent care center. Neither are open to Rx refills. If I went there the actual abuse I would face would be far more than I am capable of withstanding. I do not exaggerate, and I am not referring to an isolated incident. I am NOT going to be invalidated, abused, and treated like sh*t by people who laughingly call themselves 'healthcare professionals' because they don't understand the first thing about anything that doesn't require x-rays or a bandage. Some of the worst stigmatization and ridicule I've ever experienced has occurred in the ER or Urgent Care department regarding procuring medication for my psychiatric issues. No way do I do this to myself ever again.

Time for tea...lots of sugar...works for the British when they're upset, and by golly if they aren't really on to something.

Thanks for letting me vent...I'll get through this somehow...Somehow. I can be extremely resourceful when options run out...VERY resourceful. So please...no worries...just needed a vent. Grrr and more grrrrrrr.

[Cammy]

It's Sunday night. I am safe. Thursday a.m. my Rx was to be refilled...I ran out. Had an appt with my D, but had flat tire just before reaching the highway. Phoned D right away, explained it all. Was given instructions to get pharmacy to fax med requests and it would be taken care of. Did so and so did the pharmacy. The clinic is closed Friday, Sat, Sun with no doctors until April 18. One of my meds is not to be discontinued suddenly. Well...the pharmacy never received anything back from the clinic. Now, I have spent the last four days AND nights with severe panic attacks that are escalating in frequency and severity. I cannot go to ER or Urgent Care as this is not a life or limb threatening emergency. I would be severely ridiculed, treated abusively, and still not receive the needed medications before being shown the door. Four days and nights. Slight visual hallucinatory activity is beginning, the content of which is not very pleasant, but I've always handled this phenomenon quite well. So again, I do not even qualify as an urgent psychiatric situation right now according to our current healthcare standards. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with a health care system that would refrain from treating a person in distress just because it's a 'psych' problem? If this were a bladder infection or a small laceration, then I'd be more than welcome to receive aid. Sorry for saying this, but the system has its whole head up its butt. I'm exhausted and just a teeny, tad peeved so I'm definitely cranky at the moment. Maybe tomorrow when the clinic opens again, they can figure out what went wrong, and maybe even fix it. Maybe...pretty please. Okay...I've had my little whine for the day so I'm off in hunt of tea lightly seasoned with a pound of sugar.

[dragonfairy]

Ingraine

so sorry that the clinic messed up so bad. i cant imagine how rough the weekend must have been. i hope now that it is monday that they get your rx refilled and you can start to feel better again soon. i hate how some places just dont even seem to care if it has nothing to do with them. they just dont understand that actions like that have such a big affect on our lives and sometimes can be even life threatening. sometimes i wish that just for even one day some of these doctors, and therapist, and professionals could live a day in our bodies just to see what it is like to be us. to feel and see what we see so they can understand what it is like. then maybe they would treat us better and view us in a much more positive way. i am just glad to know you made it through this weekend safe and hopefully after today you can start to feel better. please keep us updated on how you are feeling.

(04-08-2013, 01:23 AM)Igraine Wrote: It's Sunday night. I am safe. Thursday a.m. my Rx was to be refilled...I ran out. Had an appt with my D, but had flat tire just before reaching the highway. Phoned D right away, explained it all. Was given instructions to get pharmacy to fax med requests and it would be taken care of. Did so and so did the pharmacy. The clinic is closed Friday, Sat, Sun with no doctors until April 18. One of my meds is not to be discontinued suddenly. Well...the pharmacy never received anything back from the clinic. Now, I have spent the last four days AND nights with severe panic attacks that are escalating in frequency and severity. I cannot go to ER or Urgent Care as this is not a life or limb threatening emergency. I would be severely ridiculed, treated abusively, and still not receive the needed medications before being shown the door. Four days and nights. Slight visual hallucinatory activity is beginning, the content of which is not very pleasant, but I've always handled this phenomenon quite well. So again, I do not even qualify as an urgent psychiatric situation right now according to our current healthcare standards. Is it just me, or is there something wrong with a health care system that would refrain from treating a person in distress just because it's a 'psych' problem? If this were a bladder infection or a small laceration, then I'd be more than welcome to receive aid. Sorry for saying this, but the system has its whole head up its butt. I'm exhausted and just a teeny, tad peeved so I'm definitely cranky at the moment. Maybe tomorrow when the clinic opens again, they can figure out what went wrong, and maybe even fix it. Maybe...pretty please. Okay...I've had my little whine for the day so I'm off in hunt of tea lightly seasoned with a pound of sugar.

[Cammy]

DF...well said. Those are my sentiments exactly. Walk a mile in another person's shoes. It would certainly make pharmacists and doctors a lot more careful and less cavalier about situations similar to mine. If only they knew the huge impact of their actions, inactions, oversights and such had on the lives of real people.

Today my clinic straightened out the whole mess for me. They never received anything from the pharmacy so it's one of those fax machine electronic Bermuda triangle mysteries. Typical. All I know is that I almost had to call 911 this morning as I was that close to physical collapse. I have since received the proper medication and will be doing a lot of resting for a few days. I feel a bit more stable, but quite weak, sick, shaky, and of course extremely tired after being up for 4 days. I plan to be very kind to myself...sleep, fluids, nutrition...hopefully that will repair some of the damage. I know I'm supposed to see my T tomorrow...he is going to s*it when he sees what the cat dragged in. I look like road k*ll...euw! Can't be helped and I'm not even going to attempt to do the makeup thing for this mess. It is what it is.

[The People]

Again, I do not know you or your system much at all as I don't come here as often as I used to, I went through periods like that where roller coaster was mild in comparison. When I came out the other end one of manyh things had happened. Initially someone new had come out. Or we would recognize that we would have gone through that same patternt the previous year and the year before... or a deeply buried 'secret' would have risen to the surface and been dealt with.

We dealt with those times by having lots of tactile things to do. Crayons for drawing 9or whatever littles llike) took baths because they are safe for us now, wrote poetry or journalled or both. We wrote (and still write) letters to T and sometimes in the midst of the writing an answer to what was upsetting us would coime out. We started writing with our first real T 9the previous ones were just practice) We did not realize it at the time as we were very social when not hiding but she said we never said a word. So at least with the writing she knew where we were at. he accepting of this went a long way with regards to building a trust relationship; the first stone in building a bridge that would allow us to go to her with stuff instead of being the stone that sat in silence.

Good luck.

[Cammy]

Thanks TP. It's good to hear about different ways of coping and managing the roller coaster. Many of your ways seem to be very self-nurturing, and that appeals to us as we don't think we really do enough of that for ourselves. I do write a lot, but when things are really intense, writing becomes difficult unless it is to express ourselves here where it will matter and be read. I like your idea of tactile things...that would appeal to us during these times. Sometimes I just do meditative pacing up and down the hallway, slowly, rhythmically, focusing on my feet versus balance versus gravity all in the NOW. That can help for 20 minutes or so. My littles are older so they like playing the keyboard or listening to their music (Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd).

Thanks TP. We always enjoy hearing from you and having you share with us.

[dragonfairy]

Ingraine so happy to hear that the mix up is finally over and that you are back on your medications. I am sure that you next visit with your T is going to be a crazy ride! Just try to give your self some down time and pamper yourself some with things that make you feel good. We find writing, music, walking in nature, hot showers, reading, sometimes just talking to a good friend, or even just crying if that is what is needed works for us. It is moment to moment and whatever feels good at the time. We go with the flow of how our emotions are because we don't always know from one moment to the next with this roller coaster ride we are on. All we know is that if we don't find time here and there to try and nurture ourselves somehow then we end up right back in the hospital like we were just two weeks ago! We have our first appointment tomorrow with our new psychiatrist and we have to say we are scared our of our minds!! Only positive part of it is that our T and our adoptive mom are both going with us as it is a 2 hour session and we know we will never make it through with both of them and even then we are scared to death!! So please wish us some luck and we will continue to send you good luck as you begin to feel better as well.

[Cammy]

Today is April 16th. I am safe. Something started up extra special anxiety panic attacks for us today. Sometimes it takes so very little. So extra meds were needed. We're so glad we got the six extra pills or this would have been the end of the meds for two days. Uncle in hospital, Aunt in nursing home with phone calls coming and going about medical decisions I need to make on everyone's behalf, then the nice fat tax bill...add a little worry about ourselves to the mix and poof, instant escalation of panic issues. The bottle says, "Take as needed as directed". I'm cool with that - that allows a margin for unexpected bad days. I don't like it when the bottle says, "Take as needed to a max of three per day". Most days three is okay, but sometimes it is not okay. I need room to maneuver and to know I can treat this as per the needs of the illness. Three per day scares us a bit. Would if we have three four-pill days? Then what? No refill for one whole day? 24 hours of hell because we did what had to be done? No. I'm going to make sure the next bottle reads "Take as needed". It's the only way this will realistically be able to work for us. Such little details have such large implications for those of us whose sanity depends on access to little white pills. And we only ever 'take as needed', it's just that those needs fluctuate from day to day. It's the nature of this ugly beast. I'll be asleep soon and what a relief that will be...sleep to be away from all of this only to wake up crying knowing another day of it must be lived through, again.
[/align]
I am a Peer Support moderator on a depression forum for a large international psychology company. My clients always comment on how positive and 'together' I seem. If only they knew the truth. I am a mess most days and struggle just to keep myself from totally losing it. This forum is the ONLY place where I can express what's really happening with me. Without MM I don't know what I'd do or where I'd turn. We need to be what we are somewhere or we will come apart in tiny pieces that rain down like dust in a moldy attic. Thank you MM. You are essential to my very survival.

[Cammy]

April 18th now in the struggle saga. I am safe, but have spent the day holding on tightly to my stuffy bunny with the giant feet and big floppy ears. Saw my D today. She took my carefully prepared notes and not a one got read, just shoved in the file. Got my meds so shouldn't complain. Still, feel really alone and disconnected and like she doesn't really care. I guess I've been spoiled by people who care. No one WANTS to understand. It's easier for them not to. I hate new Ds and Ps and Ts. Even my best friend just would prefer I keep the internal world to myself. He phoned today and wondered why there's been no emails for several days. I told him there's nothing new to report. He didn't mean to, but I let him in and he turned down the invitation without a clue regarding the significance of my gesture. So yes, no emails and unless he wants daily weather reports, it will be a while before I can even begin to talk about anything ME again at all. Well, I'm going back to my stuffy bunny...soft and quiet and soothing. I'll get over all this, I always do. Doesn't mean I'm not smarting a bit right now and wallowing in some self pity. Whatever...goes with the territory.

[Cammy]

It's still April 18th and I am still safe. I should be sleeping by now, but I find myself back here. It feels safe here, especially when I'm unsure and hurting. Where else is there for someone like me to go? Isolation, aloneness, feeling misunderstood...this is the sea upon which we are constantly tossed. Back and forth. One thing for certain, in the past six weeks or so I have disclosed my true nature to more people than I have in my entire lifetime, but most of it was necessary as these were care providers. The one time I confidentially revealed myself at work I almost got fired! Yep...after 25 years of doing my job they queried whether I was capable of doing my job because I was a multiple. Beware to whom you disclose yourself is for sure a deep and dire warning. Even care providers are better off not knowing if it's not necessary, unless they are familiar with it and understand it somewhat. The rest, well, they still carry around some ridiculous bad Hollywood B movie idea about DID. Whatever. I'm ranting. I really need to shut off the light and forget about today, this week, last week....

[Tangled Web]

Hi Igraine. I am sorry you are hurting and unsure about things right now. Sending you a warm comfy blanket to cuddle up in. You have expressed your feelings so clearly and I can really relate to ...............Isolation, aloneness, feeling misunderstood...this is the sea upon which we are constantly tossed. Back and forth
Sitting with you on this dark and lonely night.

[Cammy]

Thanks TW...it looks like it's going to be a long one. I wish I knew a lullaby to make everyone inside be happy sleepy all at the same time. I'd have a best seller there...at least among the DID crowd. And for me, no other crowd really matters more to me.

Thank you for your words of comfort so late at night.

[Cammy]

It's April 20th. I am safe. Was doing okay most of the day, then WHAM! I'm not even sure I can put words to it...it's either new, or it's a mix of many things. Feels bad whatever it is. Lately I sleep as late as I can, then take my night meds as early as possible so that I can be asleep for as long as possible. It's not coping, I know, it's avoidance, but it's the best I can do right now. I've lately become more and more aware of just how much evil there really is in the world. I watch people...going to the store, walking with their children...all seemingly oblivious to all that really goes on. I used to envy them, but now I'm not so sure. They do seem happy in their ignorance, and I do not begrudge them that. I guess I'm glad that someone out there gets to be normal and happy...that it is something that does exist, though not for me. Sometimes I feel like some kind of strange sentinel - that my misery and knowledge of evil somehow allows someone else to live in happy ignorance. Like a system of checks and balances...a strange destiny or fate or role...more like a strange delusion. I grieve for things that others have forgotten about within hours or days, and I wonder how they do it. People suffer and die because of evil, and everyone switches off the news and breaks out the chips and beer because the playoffs are on. I watch amazed the tears from the original grief still fresh on my cheeks, and I wonder who here is being abnormal. I live in the shadows of the lives of the 'normal', and no wonder I grieve. There is blindness and lack of human compassion and caring, and pre

[Cammy]

and pretty soon everyone is falling through the cracks but doesn't realize it until it's too late.

(my previous post does not let me scroll so that I get to finish what Im writing. So I finished it here. Why does that keep happening? Am I writing too much?)

[nats]

(04-20-2013, 08:16 PM)Igraine Wrote: (my previous post does not let me scroll so that I get to finish what Im writing. So I finished it here. Why does that keep happening? Am I writing too much?)

no, can't think of any reason why that would happen. like lots of things, it's probably a software glitch..