Feeling stuck creatively

[WendyLee]

we talked to the son and he said we have to start decluttering again. before we found out we got robbed we were doing lots and lots, but am too sad to make any decisions. we told the son it is like cutting of an arm to get rid of our things, especially after losing the valuables.

we are at a loss at this point and are shopping for little things almost every day. things we do not need like make up and craft supplies that are fun to think about using, but just add to the clutter.

but. we. do. not. care.

someone will make the decisions about what to get rid of one day soon, either one of us, or one of the sons, or someone else. we are much too sad at this point to think about anything but getting thru every day as best as we can and stay good.... and goodness is the only thing that no one can take away from us at this point.

[WendyLee]

we are starting to realize that we feel safer not using individual names. we do not lose time that we are aware of, so we are more like a collective mind where we switch personalities as one comes forward as needed or is triggered. we do not know how to control it other than to try to not eat the foods that makes the ragers and sad ones come out.

sometimes some of us crave a lot of starches or sweets but that only makes the body sad and anxious and grumpy, or maybe it makes the sad inner ones come out. it is hard to stay away from starches and sweets because a lot of us crave bread and cake since the mother gave them to us as treats all the time as a child and we were allowed to eat a lot of candy at holidays.

corn and eggs make the ragers come out, or makes the body react in a rage (is confusing) so we do not eat any corn or eggs anymore. chickens eat lots of corn and we think that is why we react to eggs in a milder rage, but still it is something we do not like to do.

we lost a very creative and happy inner alter when the body fell last year and do not know where she went or if she will ever feel safe enough to come out again. She lost a lot when the body got hurt too badly to go to craft shows and pursue her work. she is scared of the pain and is mad at the landlord for not fixing the stairs and hates living so far away from the craft shows, so she stays hidden, maybe just until we move out of this hellhole, or maybe forever. we miss her terribly since a lot of us had lots of fun helping design and create the fun and funky jewelry and accessories. maybe this is the clue, that it was not only one alter creating, but a lot of us participating, and they all are hurting in many ways... pain of body, pain of loss of creativity and fun work, pain of having to move house, pain of getting robbed, pain of idea of body not healing, pain of loss of inner lead creator.

it is all too much for us all and we need a break and lots of hugs and have nowhere to go for them and no money to get away. most 3D ppl at least have family or friends, we do not have anybody - it is safer that way, but very very lonely. there are 2 sons but they are grown men and are very, very busy and do not understand us at all and we really, really hate to bother them. we hate that they have to babysit us a lot lately on the phone telling us what to do, and we are sorry that we do not understand what they want us to do, and we are sorry that we forget what they tell us to do and we are sorry we sit and do nothing too much.

this awful, horrible, terrible, mean, cruel, bad life is too hard and we are not going to do anything today but force the body to cook and eat some meat and veggies, and watch movies and hve some ice cream and stay on the couch in the a/c. the end

ps. a really dyslexic, little boy, inner alter has been coming out more and more lately, and he typed "the dne" instead of "the end" and that is OK, but we fixed it so readers can understand.

[WendyLee]

We are not doing very well at all. the landlord came 2x unannounced and pounded hard on the front door to do repairs. it scared us really bad! the nasty duplex neighbors were gone for a couple of days but came back yesterday and it makes us really really scared when they are around. we feel really small lately and the sons do not understand that we feel safest when we sit still and do nothing. it is the way we learned as kids, to sit and be a good girl and not get beaten or hurt in any way. by being still we cannot do anything wrong, but then we do not take a bath, and the bills are late and the meat and veggies rot in the fridge and the dishes do not get done or the trash taken out and it stinks.

the bigs, the older inner alters, will not come out much and help either. we do not know if they are mad or afraid or in too much pain or what. they are gone except to shop when there is no food and pay a bill sometimes.

we just know that we are not doing well at all right now and do not know how to fix it. it makes us cry and cry.

when one of the sons comes home from vacation in a couple of days we are afraid that he will be mad at us for sitting so much and not decluttering to move house or not even packing a little bit, and we will have to tell him about us. we are scared that he will not believe us and hate us and never come back.

the end.

[nats]

hi WendyLee, so sorry you're having such a horrible time. sounds very difficult. if your son decides to be angry, at least he'll hopefully help you move to a new place - that seems most important.

[WendyLee]

Hi nats, we hope the son will have time to help us. he is a very busy guy!

we feel horrible today - much much worse than ever. maybe we are having a minor mental breakdown.... but we also feel like we have the flu, the arms and body feel like lead. we are feeling sad and mad and angry and frustrated. the horrible robber duplex neighbors made lots of noise all day yesterday and we are scared, panicky, and in pain and the terrible ringing in the ears is lots, lots worse.

we have hidden the horribleness of our life & lives from the 2 sons and we never ever wanted to let them know how bad it was for us, and still is, but it seems to be time to tell them even if we do not want to do it.

the sons are 31 and 26 yo and they have their own lives and we keep away to not intrude and do not want them to worry about us. we know we embarrass them a lot and stay away on purpose. we want them to have a strong and separate life and do not want them to be too terribly sad when we die. we have seen too many ppl get too, too sad when they are over-involved with a parent who dies and we do not want that for the sons. the mother tried smother us our whole lives until we went no contact 12 yrs ago at age 44, so we do not want to ever, ever do it to the sons.

the end

[WendyLee]

we are feeling very small and alone lately. lots of inners are retreating into caves to wait out this storm and it feels very lonely. we have not been so alone in a long long time and it is very very scary and makes our tummy ache and head hurt. we know we have to move house very soon but giving away the stuff the other alters got is not a good thing to do because they get mad and very sad, but if they do not come out and help we feel frozen.

yesterday we bagged up a few pcs of clothes that some of the alters were going to use for crafts and it felt horrible, like we were tossing THEM out (the alters). so we cannot get rid of much of anything but kitchen garbage at this point. there is a whole bedroom chock full of craft stuff to go thru'.

it reminds us of how the mother used to force us to clean up or do homework when only the littles were out and then other alters did not know why we were getting punished when another alter did something wrong and we tried so hard to figure it out and we cried and cried and could not do anything but stand there and take the abuse for some other alter's messes. lots of us just wanted to play and not do stuff that the mother thought was important. we hate her and we are really mad at the bigs for hiding now and making us hurt for them. they need to come help and not hide out and wait until this bad time is over. it is not fair.