Sharing time?

[The People]

We have newbies that have not been diagnosed for long and old folks who came with the boards. Perhaps if we share a bit about ourselves it will get some conversations going. I will start.

I discovered the predecessor to MM in 1992 or 93 which is when I was diagnosed. Divided Hearts folded and some great people have taken up the flame and started MM. There used to be a lot more of us but people moved on for various reasons. I myself left and came back because I missed the place.

My mother d**d in'92 and shorty after that I started to figure things out. I had already been noticing things but she was my primary ugly person so it was deemed to be safe when she was gone. Well, safer. This was one area where MM was huge. It was the only place where I could find people who had a similar story to me. I am also quite sure that she was Multi, as is a sister. No dealing with it there due to time and place.

In the beginning 5 alters were identified. As time went on the numbers grew exponentially. I was so grateful that I could come here and ask questions like "does this make sense"? Like I tell other people there are no stupid questions. Many others have had the same experiences as I did. It was so reassuring to know that. It was also reassuring that I didn't have to use the root person's (body) name as I was living in a smaller community and I didn't want anyone to come across me.

I have always had issues with my anger and sometimes they would come out here. People were kind but firm. They let me know that such outbursts were not acceptable. I had to learn to rephrase my frustrations. As I look back I realize that many things that I have learned on here have helped me in the 3D. I am more prone to thinking before I speak.

People are allowed to laugh here too although most of us don't feel like it during those first years. They are too busy worrying that they will out themselves. I was that way too although I told more people than I care to admit. I actually met 4-5 multies(people with DID) in my community so I swear that it is like Gaydar. Speaking of which I feel that is easier to come out gay these days than to acknowledge that one has DID. People watch too many stupid shows that present us as insane murderers. There have been a few sociopaths over the years as one can have more than one diagnosis (dx). Then there are those, professionals included who don't believe in DID.

Speaking of DX, so many of us started out with the dx of Borderline Personality Disorder prior to finding someone who figures out what is happening. That has been another benefit of MM for people. They will ask "what should I look for in a T" and they get a long list of questions to ask and a reminder that one does not have to stick with an unhelpful T or PDoc.

I don't know how many alters I have. Two says 102. People with this sort of number However, she also argues with God and lectures the kitten. So we don't always abide by her accuracy. However, she was first on board so she knows a lot more than many of the others. We have 3 front runners who look after day to day and several others who are intertwined with the front group. Two is always around.

When I first started visiting there wasn't any place where people could talk about the dark times. After a while the Hard Hat Zone was added with the rule that what is said there stays there. I accidentally broke that rule once or twice and had to be reminded. This rule is for your own post as well things that other members share.

I have had a lot of ups and downs since I first started coming here. Loss of furry family and 2 legged ones. Loss of people who meant a lot, did a lot of damage or the most confusing, both.

I miss some of the old friends and work hard to keep MM going. I hope you will too. And for Newbies I hope this helps. I really have come a long way although there are still dark times. They are more short lived though and I have not been an in patient head case for 15 or more years. I give points to MM for that. I live alone so it is nice to drop in and just say 'life sucks' or 'Guess what I did!' or "I got a new kitty!"

As in 3D or the outside world we feel like many of the people we met here are more like family than the people who share my genes.

[Shadows]

Thank you for starting this, The People. I am a newbie for sure. Diagnosed just a month or so ago, or maybe it was two? Confusing.

I'm not quite sure what to say about myself.

There are more than I know about. I know about seven of us but I think there are more and our inside world feels foreign and confusing. But we are trying and trying and trying to make things work easier.

I've been on other forums but not on one for DID. But one of the hard things is that we get distracted so we read posts and then start writing responses and then hours later we have no idea what happened and nothing was posted. So we are trying to be participatory but sometimes it is really hard.

[The People]

Hmmmm. Perhaps there is an alter who doesn't like you posting? I encourage you to keep trying. We had alters early on who were sure that something bad would happen if we shared things. And where you are so newly diagnosed there might still be a lot of fear about consequences. We had that. Every time we had a new T or often a new memory we would have some who freaked that the "bad peoples" would find out.

[mosaic]

Thanks for starting this, people. we won't be able to take the time to write anything until after the end of this semester (2 weeks) but we do plan on sharing.

[Shadows]

People, that might be right. I'm not sure. I know that work is really really crazy right now, so maybe that is part of it? Stress is just high. Plus this new diagnosis.

I'll keep trying.

[Cammy]

I lost someone in a bad way recently and now am without a host. I exist, that's all. I also have felt like I've lost this site - my connection to it feels strained. I am now scared to post for fear of being misunderstood again. I may not be a newbie in the sense of how long this body has accessed this site, but I am a newbie in the sense that whoever or whatever I am now is new. I know the old host trusted this site and was respectful to others at all times. Something happened to hurt her, and along with the life trauma, she is gone. It will be a long time before we feel safe enough again to post freely on the boards. Our opinion, however, is that we have no value here, but this too is something that is being worked through. Thanks for your post People. You once knew us as Igraine.

[The People]

I am sorry that Igraine was so hurt that she left. Our root person (body name) went inside and for a long time. She was very, very hurt. After years of T she comes out occasionally but prefers to stay inside. I am not saying that our situations are the same but that I understand.

As for your belonging here we have had all sorts of people come here. A monomind or 2 who just needed a place where she could relate to people. Spouses or other family of monominds... You used the word respect. That is what we need here and you obviously understand it. So there is no reason for you not to be here when you feel like it.

[The People]

Shadows I don't know if this is something our first dx T told us that might help you with this. I was so afraid that someone would take off like in the books I read. She told me that it was highly unlikely that we would ever do anything that we hadn't done before the awareness. It is true. We had some hard times but things are better than they were before the dx.

And I will tell you something that I told a child once who was afraid to get in the poo; when I took his class swimming. "It's OK to be scared." I think that everyone here knows fear. Old and new fear. But you have already won.

[nats]

hi Cammy. of course you have value. a bad experience or misunderstanding with another community member does not negate who any of you are or negate your value here or anywhere. we don't know what happened as it was off the boards, and don't need to know, but we have probably all experienced bad interactions with certain people or many people that leave us feeling vulnerable and devalued. you're going through a very difficult time now with all that's changed in your life anyway. go easy on yourselves and know that you have a place here and people who care whenever you choose to post.

[The People]

Cammy I missed that part about a conflict. When the boards were younger there was a conflict weekly I swear. People would be on opposing sides of some Issue. Sometimes it was just 2 people. At other times people would take sides. The admin would break it up and people would go on their way. As I stated previously I learned a lot about anger management from my share of these arguments. They are human nature. Anger is natural. Misunderstandings are part of the real world too. Maybe you can take something from that incident and make it a learning experience.

[Cammy]

Thank you People. Your words are wise. As I heal and get stronger, I am sure that I will be feel more secure again. This whole issue is my own self telling me things that aren't true, but instead reacting to old traumas. Thanks for your insight.

[dreamers]

we have cerebral palsy and use a wheelchair. we were adopted by our mom and an fidiot ( we swear he thought he was placing an order for a ping-pong table instead of adopting a kid) he probably wrote angry letters to some poor company when the table didn't come.

chr content central to our story... scrolling
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
church felt safe because the fidiot never went. and the teacher ( mrs evil) went to a different one. When it came time for college, the idea of being left to ourselves was scary so bible college ( with rules and curfew etc) felt safe... currently we are in an online seminary studying to be a missionary.

we asked for a dad for decades and all the time we thought the answer was no but it was really " i am working on it... we have a "dad" now named Daniel. With our permission and apparently the Lord's authority, he parents us like people do with kids.

Dan is in Devon we are nv.

Maybe i shared the wrong stuff... alter wise... i know I have 4 year old twins, a few "inner Marines" the head of that group is a 10 yr old named lizzy.

[dreamers]

If two ever wants to talk about God we have major debates with him too and we would be happy to listen.

[Shadows]

Cammy, we didn't even know about the conflict so we aren't worried about it at all. Please know that you have said a lot of really helpful things to us already and we appreciate it so much.

[Cammy]

The fact is that this 'conflict' I thought happened was something that really happened in my head. I imagined that the other person said something to me in a certain tone of voice that was negative and deprecating. it was solely my interpretation because online we cannot 'hear' the other person's tone of voice. So, I went off based on a fiction that my own mind devised, but I was so messed up at the time that I don't wonder this happened. Even though the other person meant no real harm, I felt that it was unsafe to post - that every word written was going to be held up to scrutiny and misinterpreted. The fault here was all my own. I've gotten past it. I am ashamed it ever happened. Normally when someone is extremely overtly negative to me online, I simply ignore them permanently and move on without comment. But, because of recent life trauma, this is not what I did. I am sorry to everyone, but it is a good lesson to me to just not react. Next time I have a strong reaction to something I think someone has said, I am going to simply wait 24 hours, re-read the post, and then decide if my first impressions were correct. If they were correct, then the best course for me is not to respond at all. Live and learn. I hope I can just move past this and resume my place here, and that's what I am trying to do. Right now I am proceeding without a host, which is good because I don't think I have any real opinions about anything. My experiences are intact, but emotional reaction is lacking. Sometimes that not so bad. It at least keeps me out of trouble or of reacting.