I Don't Feel In Control

[Shadows]

I hope this is in the right spot. I'm new here and I don't know where to put it.

I don't know what to do. I think I'm the "host" of my system but I also feel like I'm losing control right now. I know that other people are out more than I am and are making decisions that I wouldn't make, some even sexual, some about career, some about friendships.

I don't know how to manage this or manage my life and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure if I should just let it happen or if I should fight it.

[nats]

hi Shadows, how much communication do you have internally at this stage? we've never come across a multiple system that effectively organised themselves and their lives by fighting - because then the strongest people win rather than the wisest or most practical. similarly, 'going with it' can also mean the strongest have the advantage.

democratic internal communication is probably the ideal, though we've never managed that ourselves. however, communication and practical rules people can agree to live within are probably the key. it starts by making a lot of effort to listen internally and finding out what motivates people. if you're fronting for a multiple system, whether or not you consider yourself the host, it's probably most similar to being the manager in a company - you can't just force and fight or the company will never succeed, but you can discuss rules and boundaries that people can agree to.

[Shadows]

I don't think I have much internal communication? I'm just learning about everyone. Sometimes we yell at each other but beyond that I can't seem to communicate.

I guess I also don't know how to communicate with them?

[nats]

perhaps that would be the place to start then? if you have a T, maybe you could work together on this. if you're on your own, start asking questions inside and trying to listen for answers. it can be a slow process, but definitely important.

[The People]

It took us along time to communicate internally but it got better. Or Two will give us the low down. One thing that was recommended to someone was the use of a group journal when there wasn't internal. If one had a question they wrote it in a journal and hoped that the other alter would answer. Worked for some.

[Cammy]

When I was first diagnosed with DID it took me years to even accept the diagnosis, let alone to figure out who all the different parts of my personality system were. I too felt a loss of control, especially when one of my alters would take over and I felt helpless to stop their behaviour. I tried various strategies including ignoring them, and even mentally trying to kill them off. None of this helped. Over time, I found that simply watching myself from the inside out and learning to recognize who was who in the system was a good start. Each personality within you wants validation, and when you deny them this, they will cause problems. Once I validated the personalities within me and acknowledged them by their own name, things smoothed out. I refused for the longest time to let them be named because I felt like I was enabling the disorder somehow, but this is not the case. Letting each individual be who they are and acknowledging the part that they play, i.e.: some of our alters carry most of our pain, allowed my system to start working more as a team. Fighting against yourselves rarely ever is a useful strategy and ends in chaos within the system. It is far better to gently learn the needs of each personality, who they are, and how they react to the outside world to begin to get a sense of your own internal system. Harmony is the key to living with DID, and this harmony means cooperation between all your personalities. It seems that you are still at the beginning of the journey of self-discovery, and no doubt it would feel scary and out of control. If you are able, try journaling. Have a variety of different pens with different colors available as you do so. My personalities have different ink color preferences and by allowing them to express themselves this way, everyone has a say. It is one way to learn about who is who in the zoo, and in time as you go back over the journals, you will begin to note the different attitudes and tones that mark your internal personalities. I have found this technique helpful. None of this happens overnight, so patience is necessary, but if you keep yourself open to learning and accepting the others within, in time you will know who they are and how they behave. From that point you can begin to understand yourself better and get a good feel for who your true host is.

[Shadows]

Thanks, everyone.

I'm trying to be patient but it is hard. I am seeing a therapist and she actually recommended that we try to journal, so I'm going to make a special book that we can all use. Maybe that will help?

And Igraine, you are right, I'm at the very beginning of this. I only officially recieved the DID diagnosis a few days ago. I haven't figured much out. But I'm trying. I am. I'm just struggling, too, because I feel like my life is too busy for me to even think about processing what it means to have DID, nevermind doing any of the work. And fighting has been what we have always done, so it's hard to know how to act differently and I keep accidentally yelling and cursing at them all even though I know i'm not supposed to.

[Cammy]

Be patient and kind to yourself Shadows. Go gently with YOU. This is a long journey ahead of you, and it is ever unfolding. For now, go about your busy life but just start watching yourself from the inside out. Journal and see what happens. You will find yourself and yourselves will find you. Your life does not have to stop because of this diagnosis. Now you have a name for what is going on with you, and a new place to begin understanding yourself. We are all here to support and guide you, and so is your therapist. It takes time, but eventually you will learn to trust YOURSELF more, but this takes time. I have had this diagnosis for decades and I am still learning new things about me every day. There doesn't seem to be any real endpoint to this; no finish lines - so hurrying doesn't work. All you can do is keep on with your life, keep on coping and watching YOU, and let yourself unfold.

[Shadows]

Igraine, I didn't say thank you before. Thank you. I'm still overwhelmed. More than before,I think .....which is hard.

I'm trying hard to make this work. We are trying hard. It's just hard, and lonely, and really, really confusing.

[just peachy]

hi shadow its always hard when it comes to did but as time goes on it does get easier ...I don't know your situation married single live alone or live with other people family contact etc...it feels hard and lonely cause did people r complex cuz what has happened to us ...believe it or not people open up groups to the public like this one mosaic minds cause we suffer so much and there is so many of us out there ...I started in this group in march 2017 I find these online groups helpful and give me strength ive been in other groups that have since closed ......I have been journaling for years now it has helped me a lot its just I find it hard to be consistent doing everyday like u said cause its hard and u r busy .and so much work ...other things to help yourself through this is everyday doing a lot of self soothing things ...things that calm u down and feel good ..be and feel blessed that u have a therapist willing to work with u where I live they don't think did is real ...and frankly myself on some days I don't either ....ha ha lol

[nats]

"where I live they don't think did is real ...and frankly myself on some days I don't either ....ha ha lol"

so true..!

[just peachy]

hi group well by now I'm starting to feel like is this real ? or am I kind of going a little nuts ?I feel like I am always living in a fantasy world ... one of my past t said to me one time did is living in your own little fantasy world everyday where you get to pick out the beginning of how the fantasy story begins and then you get to pick out how the fantasy ends the way you want it to ... what a liar that T herapist was ..ha ha believe me and I'm serious when I say this I certainly wouldn't pick this ending ....I would pick an ending where I d...on't have dissociative identity disorder.. and a ctually now that I think of it I wouldn't even pick a beginning with did disorder.. I was reading these old posts of shadows and nats and cammy and peoples ...im quite frustrated with dealing with this stuff cuz the stigma that's put on having did ...I hope its ok to be gut wrenching honest here ....I don't mean any of this negatively to anyone else .and I'm not saying it to feel sorry for myself .. but I am so jealous of other people here cuz u all sound like u know your alters and learned good coping mechanisms I don't mean the newbies like shadows cuz he is newly diagnosed I'm speaking of the others that function well from d at to day ...who work or are disabled and yet they can function through caring for themselves and give to others .. through volunteering or helping others ...I sometimes feel like I am slow in some ways I want so much for people to say one nice thing to me and be sincere to me ..all I get is mostly laughed at made fun of and told how do u ever do it have did and go on with life like u do ..what are they thinking am I supposed to j ust rollover and die and die ...feels good to just get it out of my system even if people don't understand ...I ve been looking for psych doc or t with did knowledge to no avail .tried every kind of therapy dr u name it tired of it al l ..spent 500 dollars an hr out of my pocke t no help just less money to spend on me ..? ... does any of u live in the u.s now seems like you r all foreigners out of u.s ...please don't read anything negative from these statements .. just curious if its cuz more did specialists out there or better relations from m their families all I know is I have lots of money food money material stuff yet I have to live in a mice cockroach bedbug infested apt with 2 greedy landlords and a bunch of drug dealers invading the place as much as the bugs mice and otherwise oh and if that's not enough .... oh then there is the 3 stalkes stalking me for five years now ...and who r these crazy stalkers and where did they come from ..well honest truth relatives of theI had 18yrs ago when he was in kdgn and 5yrs old student is now 23 yrs old and his relatives are stalking me ...sounds like paranoia but true story thankfully 2 bus drivers I know for many years noticed these nut cases have been following me and depending on the route the bus drivers work they tell me when and where they see me ...I called police they do nothing ..stalking laws too weak in state I live until they harm me ... that's y I took short break from this group so suddenly cuz I didn't know it till later after I joined group they had keys to my apt and I had my computer out on table.which drug dealers and crazy stalkers .were in my apt then 4 months later new land lords took over bad as other ones maintenance workers are drug dealers cops looking for ... land lord went to school with neghbors bad ones ..stalkers took stuff from old apt I lived in .. now .I find out stalkers take drugs have serious mental issues and drink like fishes not to mention they don't know what a bath is ...ha ha I mention this cuz its some how connected to other apt all these people and problems that I used to live in ...oh yeah did I mention drug raid in apt building I live in and man killed across street from me drugs also connected to my apt ..lastly stalkers have scary past I found out cousin to past student I had killed 0month on bed and took 9 month after and threw against wall ..she died he said he killed her cuz she cried a lot ...so I was wondering none of the coloring I do for the littles is working nor is the soothing for me adult helps at all journaling is not helping cant think feel concentrate at all enough to write ...any ideas would help since I changed with dr the blood pressure meds I haven't fell since ...my head still hurts going to tons of drs hospital at all times in emergencies so that's y I am scared and my littles r scared caused I'm being watched by the drs the stalkers drug dealers since neighbor died got stabbed and beat to death and dealers got raided everyone is nervous and on edge including me ...and I have nothing to do with any of this ...but its nerve wracking to say the least ..therapist don't help mostly when I say did they wont deal with me or call back or I get drs who drug me up to shut me up been doing this did stuff with no help over25 yrs now any thoughts to stay as rational functioning adult would help ..mostly child alters r in control ..journaling helps a lot but scares me to cuz all the memories come out to fast as well as alters and that scares the hell out of me .. read where therapist said to have daily meetings in head with alters as well as fun stuff alters like to do ..problem is I start to feel like I'm crazy and that I'm like a freaking psych doc working on my self as a patient it sucks I cant stand it anymore like the saying goes been there done that dontwant to play this game any more ..ugh oh ..