Disposable people

[Cammy]

Every time my mom, who I take care of and is 85 years old, goes into the hospital, I am always forced to meet with a 'placement social worker' just before she is discharged. They just assume that I want to place my mom in a nursing home each time - they expect that this is what I want to do. It angers me because it shows me that the elderly are generally regarded as disposable entities that need to be pushed into a nursing home against their will. We live in a society of disposable items, and it seems this attitude has spilled over to how people are regarded. I would NEVER put my mother in a nursing home as long as she is not so out of it that she is a danger to herself or others. If she was in a state of mind where she didn't know what/who/where/when, or had such serious medical issues that she needed 24/7 constant care that I could not provide, then I would consider it. But my mom is lucid, able to go to the bathroom by herself, and able to do simple tasks like feeding the dogs, and with the correct security system and surveillance in place, I am even able to leave her on her own for a few days at a time if needed. If I put her in a nursing home, she would die feeling abandoned, displaced, and in a total state of despair. It bothers me that the medical system takes it for a given that just because she is old, I naturally would want to rid myself of her as though she were a used gum wrapper or food gone bad in the fridge. Drives me nuts just thinking about it. Even if she had more complicated medical issues, there is still the option of home care nurse visits. It makes me shudder to think about those poor souls who are stuck in nursing homes when they have families that are capable of allowing them to live in their homes. But, it seems that they are often regarded as disposable people, and this says a lot about the society in which we live. All I can say is "What goes around comes around." Just wait and see how those who choose to abandon the elderly feel when it happens to them.

Disclaimer: I recognize that there are situations where it is impossible for people to have an elderly person living with them due to severe medical problems or due to severe cognitive dysfunction. No one can watch someone 24 hours a day - that's too much. I am speaking of people who are still capable of using their faculties and whose medical issues are manageable at home, their only crime being that they are old. 

[nats]

not sure western society generally respects relationships that are overly complicated or difficult.

[Cammy]

This is true nats. In other cultures the elderly are revered and cared for by the younger family members. I guess the Western world still has a little more evolving to do.

[nats]

it's actually a fundamental question. is it better to put yourself first or to put the group you're part of first? the general (somewhat stereotypical) perspective is that 'western' cultures promote individuality while 'eastern' ones promote collectivism. which is better? as multiples we deal with the micro/internal version of this everyday, e.g. when are one insider's wants/needs more important than the group's?

[Cammy]

Unfortunately nats you are right - it really IS that complicated. It all comes down to individual consciousness and ingrained social sensibilities, all which are mostly learned behaviour. You are so astute to point out that within our own internal societies, we are constantly negotiating this issue, sometimes with success, and other times not so much. Thank you for your intellectually stimulating take on this - it is very much appreciated!

[dreamers]

If our ab*s*r needed that level of care we would be like are there any places that charge extra for mice... because we don't mind paying the extra Any places in death valley preferably without A/C? there are elderly people who we don't see as disposal but Mr X and mrs y well we aren't entirely sure they are human beings...

if we were in the market to place him or her we would want something like:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9825532HbI

or

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTZYSzxZcvA

[Cammy]

Doing years of palliative care for my main perpetrator was very hard indeed, but now that it is all said and done, I would do it the same way. It brought us to realizations about ourselves we would not otherwise have made, and I believe that as a whole, we are much stronger. Now that the perpetrator is dead, we can mourn for those parts of us that were attached emotionally, and we can truly feel free for being released. It is a mixed bag of emotions, but there are lessons here that we needed to learn. We are still not sure what all of these lessons are, but a part of the whole scheme seems to be a degree of pity for our perp and unconditional forgiveness. I know that forgiveness is not always possible, so I feel blessed that I can forgive. My husband never had the opportunity to come to a place of forgiveness, and given what all was done to him, I can't see him ever forgiving. I am just glad that I had the chance to care for my mother in ways that she could never have taken care of me. For some reason this is a healing thing for me.