RE: just life
Hi,
Your life sounds challenging, and also very good. I do wish you and yours well.
I had never heard of a genogram and looked it up. It's fascinating and challenging. Just reading the definition illuminated what had felt like a black hole in my life, in me. Structure that people take for granted, but shouldn't.
I had been thinking of family lately. Contact was spotty, and most that I knew are passed. Small family. When I thought of them, there was the hole. A lack of full emotional contact, and some abuse, the combination of which had led to confusion in me as to how to respond to people in general, how to keep myself safe but not isolated.
In terms of my mother, I had been dealing with insanity, the nature of which I've never been able to figure, 'cept for the narcissism and v**l*nc*. There was a lot there. Many months ago. I had re-introduced myself to the concept of a negative introject. That is the legacy mother left to me. This sort of thing intertwines with the self and, imo, resides in that "space" in the unconscious which can make itself known very fast. It can give rise to what I call "behavioral reflexes." These can be slowed down, and in that way controlled. But, the amount of control depends on the situation. It's one of the worst kinds of regret to feel.
It has occurred to me that at least in my experience with this almost out-of-control relative, that I never really knew her. I know she suffered emotional pain, but I didn't know why, where it began for her. Of course, there is a limit to how well we can know anyone, even ourselves. For me, that includes a strong belief in the possibility of other lifetimes. There is something to be said for karma, as an aside, but I've never believed in the tit for tat version. I don't think that's how it works. Structure is too Newtonian for me (I think that's the correct reference point). But, I digress. I think that without knowing the nature (which includes why or how he/she reacted to an early abuser, whose influence left a stain, a negative introject. I see the NI as an interaction between an adult problem and the plasticity of very early childhood for me; if pushed, I can't just refuse to act poorly. Not reliably. I have to Relearn as if I were a child at heart. That is what I'm working on. I've done it by regressing myself using my own nature, and a lovely model of childhood joy (which I never had) that I learned from a young neighbor, from just one of her behaviors. The one that made me so happy, because it had been in me all along and I didn't know it. I internalized it naturally, and one day, it appeared and I understood the place of joy in my life, how I show it. I also understood that mother never wanted me to be happy. Maybe she had no will for happiness for herself. I never saw it.
I had been thinking of these things and working on them in different ways for the better part of 4 years. When I looked up genogram, a light bulb lit. I had been isolated and mistreated. Never learned how to connect. I'm learning. Sometimes it's not fun at all. Now I know what fun is for me: to connect and share what is appropriate in given situations. I can be naturally standoffish. That's fine. I found some informal settings that work. It is still hard for me, but at least I know why and try to make up for it when I should. Defensive hostility on an emotional basis is no longer an option. Anyhow, let's see if any of this makes sense here in coming days. Words can get in the way.
For those who don't know me, I'm a sensitive monomind who respects both differences and similarities. I spent a lot of time here and at an earlier website, Divided Hearts. There was someone in my life who was a multiple, and I needed help with that. In turn, I gave what I could. My time has grown limited, but I'm around.
Nice to talk with you again, Mosaic.
tweets
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
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RE: just life 
