Back to work

[Tangled Web]

Today I find myself feeling apprehensive. I have to go back to work.
I have spent the last 6 days locked up in my apartment and the only time I went out was to see T. I could spend days without saying one single word out loud.
But as I sit here I think--------now I have to go outside and step back into the world. I don’t want to.
I could stay here forever……………
There is safety and don’t really know the words to describe it…….here……….
But it is time to tuck everything away and do what needs to be done and be who people need you to be.
Wish life didn’t suck SO much!

[Flora]

I so understand what you mean. I took the past week off from work and I only went to T and yoga classes (and today a kickboxing class!) and it was so nice to snuggle into the safety of my bed and my cat and not be responsible to anyone for days. When you say "be who people need you to be", what do you mean exactly? I think I know what you mean, because I feel the same way, but what do we REALLY mean? Why do we have to be who people want us to be? Why is being who we want to be not as acceptable? Is it because, speaking for myself, I just want to be taken care of? Or because I might be seen as crazy? I don't know.

Anyway, I had been feeling that life sucked a lot too and then I moved my body through exercise and it helped to get those internal chemicals flowing and I felt a little better. Also, in another way, I feel grateful that people rely on me and keep me out and about, because otherwise I think I'd shrivel away. Just some random thoughts. I hope it helps to hear that I've been going through some similar feelings.

Flora

[mosaic]

it's quite a familiar feeling, TW. i feel that way most every morning when i wake up.

[The People]

Ditto. We are extroverts as a whole but especially since being struck down with health issues (besides the DID) we need to rtreat at times. for us though the walls close in at times and we need to go have a coffee or go someplace where they are people but no expectations.

[Tangled Web]

Hi Flora. What I mean when I say "be who people need you to be", I mean I need to be this strong,responsible person. I am a nurse and a team leader where I work and care for 32 residents of the nursing home I work for plus I have to be responsible for my staff who work with me. I need to be SO many things for everyone..............
Why is being who we want to be not as acceptable? For us it can be a catch 22-We have tried very hard to create this perception of us in the eyes of the people we deal with on a daily basis and have been very successful in doing this. (which I think is a good thing) BUT when we are struggling and it feels like everything is falling apart it is hard to maintain that and we wish we could just waiver from that but we can't. Fear of being judged or labelled as crazy is a big one for us. We can't handle people's views of us changing in a negative way-not sure why though.........I try to tell myself that I just don't care about what people think but that is so far from true. It is like that is how maintain our self worth through how other people see me-if they see us in bad light then that must mean we are bad but if they see a great person then we are doing something right.
Any ways that is what I mean by saying it is time to be who people need us to be............

mosaic-sorry you feel that way every morning.

The people-We used to feel that way when we were off work for a few days like the walls were closing in around us and we needed to get out or go back to work. We would start to go stir crazy. That feeling has been lost somewhere and haven't felt like that in awhile. Now if we had a choice to go out or stay in, we would most definitely chose to stay within these walls not sure why that has been one of the things that has changed so much.
TW

[Flora]

Thanks for explaining, TW. I think it's especially hard when you're in a job in which you take care of others. like you do as a nurse. Well, hard. and also sometimes so nourishing. I am also in a profession in which I care for others and I certainly can't become disoriented or aggressive or child-like when I'm at work. So I DO have to be who others need me to be. But it can be such a relief to not even know who I am when I am home alone. There is no pressure to prove that I'm not crazy or weird. So staying in bed for the weekend can be just what I need.

How did it go back at work?

Flora

[Tangled Web]

Hi Flora. It was exhausting but good The feeling of purpose was strong and that we actually made a difference helped ALOT, but it only took 4 hours into the shift to lose that relaxed feeling I was determine to keep and then sh*t hit the fan. Thanks for asking

[aswiss186]

We all wish it could all be so simple. im currently sat in work also