One Insider's Issues Slowing Other Insiders' Healing?

[MakersDozn]

We hope that we can explain this clearly. For a long time, we've been very frustrated with certain obstacles to our healing, and we're hoping that other systems can share how they've dealt with similar experiences, or at least encourage us in some way.

Different insiders in our system deal with their issues in different ways, at different rates, and with varying levels of success. It's similar to how outside people differ in the way they deal with things. In our case, one insider's issues are numerous and complex, and they affect other system members, not only in our ability to heal, not only in our ability to deal with daily life, but also in ourr ability to maintain a clear sense of individual self.

The whole situation feels toxic. Living--no, existing--in a constant state of active C-PTSD. Constant feelings of uncertainty and fear, anger and hypervigilance. Feeling like no one on the outside has even the remotest concept of what we're going through or how much pain we're in. Feeling like a freak. Feeling like we're damaged goods and doomed to spend eternity suffering.

Drama? Yes. Real pain? Also yes. If we could feel heard and validated, it would mean a great deal.

MDs

[nats]

hearing you MDs. unfortunately, don't have good solutions to suggest..

[MakersDozn]

Thanks for hearing us, nats. We're home this week on a "staycation." We don't want to spend the whole time being depressed. Our T told us to try to not think about the things that are stressing us out. Well, we can't *not* think about these things, because they trigger such profound feelings that we can't avoid them.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Hi MDs. I can hear what you are saying very clearly. Actually you have described how we live and how we feel about our life pretty perfectly-------

The whole situation feels toxic. Living--no, existing--in a constant state of active C-PTSD. Constant feelings of uncertainty and fear, anger and hypervigilance. Feeling like no one on the outside has even the remotest concept of what we're going through or how much pain we're in. Feeling like a freak. Feeling like we're damaged goods and doomed to spend eternity suffering.

We just exist in this life of ours. I know that is a fact. We remain isolated for many reasons away from people. I know about some of the others inside that live in a constant active state of CPTSD. The feeling of uncertainty and all the other things you described are very real to us.
I don't have any helpful solutions for you though. We shut it down and shut it out so we are able to function. We put on this mask every day before we go work and be who we need to be and then come home exhausted because of the energy it took to do this. Letting someone into to see these kinds of things feels forbidden to us. It feels like it still has to remain a secret like ALL the other secrets that are kept. Which makes us feel trapped and doomed to spend eternity suffering.
I personally have always found that when someone tells us not to think about something is rarely helpful. If it was possible to do at the time, we wouldn't think about it. For us during those times is when we need to feel heard most of all, not shut down by someones words telling us to just not think about it. I am sorry you are in this position right now and feeling these things. It is NOT a good place to be.
Sometimes when I am able I try to write..........that can often be helpful figuring some things out--I haven't figured out how to be heard yet though--I think that might be one of the missing pieces to help start to maybe get past some of those feelings.
I wish I could be more helpful
Tangled

[mosaic]

MDs and TW i hear you. like nats, i don't have any suggestions or solutions. but i hear how painful it is.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you both. We have T tomorrow. It definitely did *not* help us to try not to think about it. Emotional pain continues whether or not we think about the issues that cause it.

The closing on the sale of our father's house was finished today. Finally. It will take quite a while to feel free of all the burden.

MDs

[The People]

Hear you MD. Some of my others will never heal. Not completely. What they carry is just such a mess. Others have made great strides. The one who comes to mind is Grey. She was 14 and making our lives miserable before we knew about her. She became 17 in the process of moving to Edmonton and in doing that she doesn't pull us through fire every time she is pissed of at us. She doesn't wander off anymore, putting the ret of us at risk and is now one of the front runners. She still has a temper but no so much.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you. I know that I've made great strides. But all of this progress has robbed me of the only safety that I've ever felt, which was our inner world and my naive, idealistic vision of life.

Now all I have is reality, which for me feels nothing but miserable. I have nothing to old onto. I feel powerless and helpless and alone, and I can't even find validation on the inside.

The others try, but it feels like they're making things worse. I don't know what validation would feel like, but part of me wishes that they would just agree with me about how miserable and hopeless life is. But they won't do this, and I get angrier because it feels like they're rejecting my feelings, my reality, and me as a person. It's an awful, vicious cycle.

Charity

[cew]

That sounds hard. I can relate. A system can have such divergent perspectives and desires and needs. I often feel immobilized by this. This idea of reality can be confusing. Different insiders are interacting with "reality" from places seemingly outside this reality. Sometimes it can feel like walking into a room with a oneway door. You can't get back to the room you came from. You're stuck in this different room and limited by it's own conditions and history.

[MakersDozn]

Hi cew,

Yes, exactly. Thank you for the support and the validation.

We are doing somewhat better for two reasons. Some of the outside stress has eased, and I have been working with our T on coping skills and refining how i work through issues. Progress, but very slow progress.

Charity

[Cammy]

Things got so toxic in our system with one person acting out by lashing out in the outside world that we had to just go to T and find ways to mediate a change. The way things were feeling inside was so dark and I was definitely feeling like the lowest form of life on earth. When this happened, it was a case of one individual pulling everyone else into a pit. I was feeling ruined, and worse, the situation was disrupting my spiritual life and my relationship with my higher power. So off to our trauma/DID T, and she managed to suggest a few things I could do to find out what was going on with this person. I went home, let the person write for an hour, and then things from the past came to the surface that made it crystal clear why she was feeling so much resentment. We now have a place to start working from.

The whole point of that was to illustrate that I too do struggle with the darkness that my internal system causes more often than not. It is complicated, painful, and until you can get to the root of it, you suffer and sometimes so do the people around you. We totally can relate to your situation, MD, and sometimes share in the struggle. Peter Gabriel put it aptly as "Digging in the dirt, Find the places that we hurt..." I just love that song.

[MakersDozn]

Thanks, Igraine. After getting through some planned activities in 3d that were very stressful, we are trying to go easy on ourselves and not push ourselves to heal as much as we usually push ourselves.

It feels strange to not consciously work on ourselves, and we don't know how long this will last. We needed to try a different approach. So we'll see what happens.

Charity and others