Length of dx

[The People]

No plans for self harm but... We had our original dx in 1992. ad a new teen show up this week. Two says there are 102 of us but we have deliberately avoided counting or tracking names, especially of those who don`t come around much.

Today I felt very overwhelmed and this was part of it. PDoc who was once a specialist in this issue wrote my FP and said that I would never get better due to early onset and number of perps and selves. So why bother going through all of this therapy and crap? WHY? Life is getting worse instead of better. I have 1 old cat and a few acquaintances. Some refer to themselves as my friends but if they were I would hear from them more often and would feel like sharing more of my life with them. The cat and my computer are my best friends.

I feel like T and PDoc are just pulling me along by a string like one of those pony toys little kids have. Plastic little ponies that do nothing but follow the leader. Why bother aside from need for forms to be filled out and meds to be written out. Instead f my life getting better and better I have less and less purpose. Why keep going and paying money? I am 56 so will never have kids to raise. The idea of dating sends me hiding in the bathroom. I try to get involved with causes but...

And sometimes I get so pissed off because all of these other causes get so much attention and we are discouraged from even speaking about our issues let alone find a support system for them.

[The People]

and nobody here is listening anymore anyway.

[nats]

i can identify with a lot of what you're saying - from having ever fewer friends to no one here listening anymore either. never thought about it in terms of damage being so early etc that it wasn't reparable. had always assumed till perhaps the last couple of years that everything is repairable if we would just put more, or the right kind of, effort in. what you're talking about reaffirms the conclusion we've come to that some things just don't get fixed, healing has its limits.

so, if we've gone as far as we can (even if it never feels like enough) in addressing the past the question becomes. what do we want to do/be now we've grown up? what are we interested in/what do we enjoy doing that we can do despite our emotional restrictions? what is worthwhile for us? for us right now, it's publishing and creating a body of work that exists because of our efforts. we don't tell our story, but we tell about issues that resonate with us. it isn't huge, we'll never get lots of money or recognition, but it still feels worthwhile so that is what we've chosen to focus on for now. everyone can find their own way to feel like they contribute and make a difference in this world - otherwise, it's too easy to feel like a waste. i know you know all this already. your post just encouraged us to respond.

[orek]

Wow, this is rough. Our last and current Ts say that healing IS possible, even with the abuse and dissociation starting in infancy. (Coincidentally, we were first diagnosed around '92 also, maybe a year or two before that. Don't recall exactly.) So why did your PDoc write that to your "FP" (whatever that means... Something Physician?)? Now I'm wondering if my Ts really believe I can be healed, or if they say that because they just don't want me to give up hope--which is the understandable response upon hearing that too much damage has occurred to make healing possible. I can't carry on like this. I'm too exhausted. Whether full healing is possible or not, I have no doubt some healing can occur, and things can get easier and more integrated. Some of that occurred in working with my last T. But so much of the time with her was spent undoing damage done by past therapies, then painstakingly slowly building up enough safety and trust to do some real deep work, that we didn't get as far as we wanted before she retired. But we're hopeful that our new T can help us. She seems to know her stuff and has the added benefit of doing a lot of work with helping the body release the stored trauma, as well as the mind. I wonder if you need to find a different therapist, if that's their attitude? Or maybe you could talk with your PDoc and ask for clarification?

I'm glad you posted here, even if MM is eerily quiet and ghost towny these days.....

[orek]

P.S. So, because of our similarities (length of dx, poly-fragmentation, early age onset of abuse, etc.), reading what your PDoc wrote felt like a kick in the gut. So I emailed our retired T and asked her honest opinion about our ability to fully heal given those factors, or whether she was using "therapy speak" and doesn't really believe we can; and she wrote the following (and we believe her and have immense faith in her opinion/knowledge):

"Never underestimate human resilience. Yes, I believe you can heal. I'm a pretty optimistic person naturally but I've still been amazed by some of my clients!"

I hope this helps somehow. We believe in your goodness and resilience, People.

[The People]

Thanks Nats and Orek. It is nice to hear that people have a scribbly past like mine and still have hope. I think part of my hopelessness comes from a number of things, this place being so quiet, spending the last 5 years recovering from physical issues I had since childhood and nobody would listen. And the loneliness.

I did get up and go to church today. People were happy to see me. But other things that I try... I joined a writing group and it turned into a support group for MH. Sorry but I don't want to sit and listen to your issues when nobody will listen to me. And one mocked the amount of money I got for my Chicken Soup story. "I got fifteen hundred for a magazine article I wrote" f*ck off!

Doctors have tried to get me to join groups for years but they just don't work.

[Tangled Web]

Hi The People. First of all I would like to comment on the part of what your doctor wrote. I am not speaking for him or know exactly why he said what he said but being in the medical field doctors write or say things like that to help with funding issues. If they write that they think a person can get better than there are SO many more restrictions that can be placed on the person and one of those things has to do with money. They are aware of the little amounts of money given to people who have disabilities and why would they want to make that less? They fill out those forms to try to get you the most you can possibly get and make things easier for you with as little follow-up as needed. That is my experience in working with the doctors. That is not say they aren't doctors out there who make your life a living hell also.
So the second part of this is....doctors are human and cannot really say if a person is going to heal or not-they make mistakes ALL the time. They have no idea what we are capable of. I was proven permanently unemployable and remained that way for over 7 years living on a disability pension. I now work full time as a nurse. So they are wrong, and healing CAN happen and YOU can improve your life. I truly believe that. I am living proof of it. So I really hope you don't lose hope, I believe in you and I believe you can heal.
TW

[The People]

I was working full time during that era. So it was not a funding issue. She truly believed this. I only stopped working 5 years ago and it likely would not have happened if I didn`t have to spend 30 years fighting with doctors and then crashing from celiac disease I would still be working. I had time off here and there, especially when I first went into T but I did my job well.

If anyone ever comes across a PDoc with the initials FF..... run!

[MakersDozn]

The People,

With all due respect to TW's explanation of how some things work in the medical field, it sounds like that pdoc needs to have his head examined.

The fact that you found someone new inside after all this time doesn't mean that you're not getting better, or that you can't get better. Anyone who knows you knows that you can, and you have.

We self-dxed in 1996. Yes, we found everyone a long time ago, and yes, we've had very good therapists since late 1998. But we're still going through crises. Big crises. This doesn't mean that we won't get better, just as your history doesn't mean that you won't get better.

We can do it. We can all do it.

Mary and Allegra

[The People]

Thanks MD. And thanks for acknowledging our improvements. That F Pdoc is a woman. Name starts with F. She needed more help than any of her clients and perhaps she has recognized that fell off the trampoline like so may others have done. Some people loved her. I told that to present Pdoc and she said that some people just click with her.

[Dreamscapes Collectives]

we were first dx'd in 91, when the body was 17. we weren't told, and didn't even start to try and get help until nine years later. because our parents didn't tell us what they dx'd us with (we were in an adolescent ward). we are also poly-fragmented (at least 300 known and more unknown) and our abuse started in infancy (at least four months, possibly sooner). the body just turned 41.

we spent six years in therapy and working like hell to try and heal. we came to terms with in that period that there were some things that were just too damaging to heal from. our personal opinion not a professional one. we stopped going to therapy in 2007 for a variety of reasons, mostly bc our insurance no longer covered a therapist that knew what to do with someone with DID. by 2009 we'd stopped looking.

we did have one doctor last year in a psych hospital who did know about DID who saw us. and he did tell us that if nothing changed with the amount of crap we are trying to deal with he couldn't see us making it past two more years. that is not in therapy (which we can't do bc of insurance purposes and lack of trained professionals who have a clue) and with no support system. and we get the hopelessness and despair and frustration bc yeah, we are hella tired of this. we get so tired of dealing with this day in and day out. we're not just finding new people, our system is still creating new people. our system has NEVER been stable.

on the other hand, the one friend we still have is a year or two older and is doing much better psychologically speaking than we are. (she's a blended multi, not the same as the big "I", but similar. not that we're advocating for or against such) i honestly think it depends on each individual system. i don't know that there is any one right answer. everyone reacts to and handles things differently. some people can do what other people can't do. we only know what we have been through and what we can tolerate and what we can't.

sometimes it all comes down to finding one reason important enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other. focusing on something that's important to enough of you to keep fighting through the pain and hopelessness and despair that can well up. I don't think that anyone is ever truly without hope, after all, no one knows what will happen tomorrow and miracles are possible. at the same time, we do think there are some things that don't ever truly heal. we just have to learn to endure them.

Alexis, Olivia and others

[Tangled Web]

Well said!! Alexis, Olivia and others

[nats]

totally agreeing!

[MakersDozn]

Great post, Alexis and Olivia and others.

MDs

[cew]

I'm relatively new here, but would like to respond. My sense is that healing can mean fully accepting a situation that is unlikely to change. It can include self understanding, self awareness and self acceptance. From my reading, "integration" is held out as some arbitrary goal based on a limited understanding of what a "self" is and on a single preferred outcome predicated on some psychological norm. I think there are many ways for human beings to express consciousness and to participate in society. I do not think that being human requires a single unified "self" identity that must conform to a certain historically conditioned way of thinking, acting, being.