Recovery/Healing

[Tangled Web]

Recovery/Healing
I have been spending so much time on trying to figure out what step I need to take next in this journey of healing my soul. I keep looking for the easiest way possible and when things get hard I stop and try to find another way that isn’t so hard. I keep doing this over and over again and never really realizing that I usually always end up in the same place maybe a step back or maybe a step forward and I keep trying to get somewhere but not really feeling like I going anywhere. All I know is that I want to heal.
Today I decided to look back and see how far I have actually came. I realized I spent so much time trying to look into the future that I forgot about how far I have actually came.
I survived the abusive home I grew up in as a child
Even after I was kicked out of that house I went to live in another abusive home and still survived
Ran away from that house and lived on the streets-I survived that also
Was placed in a group home—the best thing that ever happened to me but spent the next several years trying to end my life. In and out of hospitals for years—miracle I am still alive and surprised the many doctors that worked hard at saving my life over and over that I was indeed still alive.
Was placed on disability after being proven permanently unemployable.
Was in yet another abusive relationship which gave me a child. Got rid of the guy but kept my son.
Went back to school and graduated and started working part time still on disability.
Got married to an abusive, controlling guy—did that for 5 years and got a full time job and off of disability.
Left my husband and went back to school and became a nurse.
Now I am working full time as a nurse and still trying to heal.
Looking back on ALL of this stuff makes me think that maybe-just maybe I might be able to survive this next phase of my life also. It can’t be any harder than any of the other obstacles I have had to get through to get here can it?
Yes it will hurt and yes it terrifies me but was I any less afraid when I did all those other things? I don’t think so. I did what needed to be done—so why can’t this be the same thing?
I think now it is time--maybe now I am ready................
TW

[mosaic]

you go girl! you are a survivor and you can do this.

[Tangled Web]

THANKS!!

[MakersDozn]

TW,

Congrats to you for recognizing all that you've accomplished, especially in light of what you've been through. We know that we need to recognize our own accomplishments, so it helps to see you doing the same thing.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Thanks MDs

[orek]

Woot!!! Yeah!

Thanks for sharing more of your story. You guys are amazing to be so strong and compassionate and giving after all that betrayal and abuse and instability in your lives. I'm so glad you were able to look back and appreciate all you've survived and how far you've come. Yes, you can survive this next stage, too!

[Tangled Web]

Thanks orek. I saw T today and we talked more about this. It has always felt wrong to acknowledge these things as actual accomplishments and we still flip flop a lot but I want to see them as accomplishments. So That is what I will be fighting for. We had a really good session today. She bought us a cake and put candles on it and sang happy birthday to us. She got Alysia and Emily the frozen dolls-Elsa and Anna. Totally unexpected but very sweet.

T said something to me today that fit so much for us but I am feel I am still missing a piece and I am trying to figure it out.
She said that it could be easier for us to blame ourselves rather than accepting that we had no power and control. That we feel more comfortable in that place of accepting the blame than to be in the place of feeling powerless and not having any control. She is right. I know she hit the nail on the head for us but I guess what I am trying to figure it out is why?
I know that I get completely freaked out when I feel I don’t have any power or control so it makes sense that it would be easier to take the blame for things instead. But something is still missing. I can’t make sense of it. I feel like it is right there just beyond my reach but I can’t get there. I don’t understand it.
I know they were children and they didn’t have any power and control. The adults were bigger and they had the power so why would we be afraid of losing something we never really had in the first place? And why does that thought of us not having and power and control terrify us SO much. It doesn’t make any sense and I can’t figure it out. I need the missing piece. Nothing comes into my mind. It is completely blank. It is like I am just faced with a huge blank wall.
Does any of this make sense?
Tangled

[The People]

I remember learning about the power thing years ago. How it actually helped us survive. By feeling like we have some control over what was happening we were able to get through it. But as adults we have to accept that we really didn't have any power at all.

My Ts have done that wit me. The "look how far you've come" thing. We have trouble hearing it. Because it is never far enough.

[orek]

I think I might know the missing piece, at least the extra bit that makes it fall into place for us. If you blame yourself, then you can believe somewhere inside that if you just do such-and-such, you won't get hurt again. Same mentality that leads people to blame the victims. Feeling powerless and helpless is terrifying, and no one likes to feel it. If it's your fault, then you have the power to make it right. Or if something bad happened to that other person and it's her fault, then as long as I'm good (or have enough faith, or wear or say the right things, etc.), then it won't happen to me.

Also, as kids, we can't blame the parent/abuser, because we're utterly dependent upon them. So it's a survival tactic to take the blame on ourselves so that we can continue to believe in those that have the power of life and death over us. Children just do not have the experience or mental development to think it through and work out the true dynamics. They just take it upon themselves, and we carry that with us into adulthood. But we don't need to anymore! We can survive without our parents now. And we have the mental capacity to understand the dynamics.

But that doesn't stop it from being terrifying, letting ourselves accept and experience that powerlessness and helplessness. And the kids inside have to be shown that we're not stuck back there anymore in time, dependent and about to be hurt at any moment. That's what's finally dawning on us, the fact that they are stuck back there in the trauma time.

Anyway, don't know if that helps, but there's my 2 bits and a bob's worth.

[Tangled Web]

So believing it was our fault is giving us this feeling of having some power in a powerless situation and keeping the fear buried and the denial in place. Now that actually makes sense. WOW!
Thank yous.

[Tangled Web]

The People: We know that feeling well also where it never seems like we have gone far enough. It is hard to give ourselves credit and look at where we have come from. It is kind of the like saying goes-Is your glass half empty or half full? Ours has always been half empty but I guess now I have this feeling that we would like to fill it.........and not as concerned with 1/2 empty or 1/2 full part. We have also done this exercise of looking back numerous times with different people (T's) but for us this is the first time looking back I was able to see and feel some of the accomplishments there.

[The People]

Give the folks a treat! LOL KA

[MakersDozn]

TW said:

So believing it was our fault is giving us this feeling of having some power in a powerless situation and keeping the fear buried and the denial in place. Now that actually makes sense. WOW!

I can really relate to this, TW. I blame myself for a lot of things. Admittedly some things are my doing, but certainly not everything I blame myself for. It makes sense that I would choose to blame myself in situations where I am not really responsible, because choosing to accept blame is a way of attempting to control the situation.

I'm not one to analyze things. I prefer to pay attention to feelings instead. But I don't like feeling powerless. I don't think anybody does.

Thanks and take care,

Charity

[Tangled Web]

I agree Charity. It is a really hard one for us right now--to be honest I have no other way of looking at things. It is like I have convinced myself that I had power and control in those situations and can't seem to see it any other way no matter how hard I try. Also I didn't realize I could come up with so MANY "buts", they seem endless.........
Tangled