Struggling

[orek]

Hang in there, MDs. Anger is a big one, and one we have no helpful advice on how to handle. Sitting here with you.

[MakersDozn]

Hello orek,

We're very glad to see you. Things always get very lively on the forums when you and Davis are posting.

I have slowly but surely been making progress with my T. Even I recognize this. I still have difficult moments (and days), but I know that things are getting better.

Thanks and take care,

Charity

[orek]

Hi, MDs--So sorry you're going through this. As usual, I have no contribution towards any anger issue. But we can certainly understand how unsettling all this would be. Take care.--orek

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, orek. Our T is helping a great deal.

I'm also dealing with other issues, including the realization that nearly all the memories I have of childhood--definitely all the memories that involve being around other people--are unhappy ones. It's hard for me to have hope, to believe that things will get better, when they were never good for me in the first place.

Take care,

Charity

[orek]

(09-16-2014, 01:08 AM)orek Wrote: Hi, MDs--So sorry you're going through this. As usual, I have no contribution towards any anger issue. But we can certainly understand how unsettling all this would be. Take care.--orek

OOPS! I should have read back. Didn't realize we already had replied. Obviously stress is causing some communication breakdowns. ;P

[angel with wings]

charity, I certainly can relate to your childhood memories not being good and losing hope, thinking it'll never get better. I struggle with this too. part of me has lost hope and feel there is no reason to keep trying. yet others in me still hope and keep me moving each day. if they can still hope, then I will still let them. who knows what tomorrow holds and the future could bring me something I never thought could happen. so I keep going.
so rely on the others to help you. they can get you where you need to go.

[orek]

(08-28-2014, 03:49 PM)57thomas Wrote: waiting another week seemed like it might as well be a year. She keeps telling me to call her when things get really bad, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Now that I realize that's why my memory is so bad I'm trying to practice mindfullness whenever I can

I had my third EMDR session yesterday. This was the first time that it worked as described in the literature. ... But last night the tension was taking over and I knew anger was next (to be followed by depression) so I got on the elliptical machine for an hour, then went to the park and juggled/danced my heart out to some music for a couple more hours until I was worn out.

Anyway, I'm glad there are people like you I can relate to and talk to.

Hi, 57Thomas--We'd been away for a while and hadn't met you. I love that you not only exercised in a "traditional" manner (love those elliptical machines, though I don't have access to one right now so mostly run) but also went to the park and juggled/danced your heart out. That's awesome.

Our new T does EMDR work, for which I'm glad. We've only seen here about 4 times, so too soon to do that work, but I'm glad to read some perspectives on it from people here who've tried it.

I also really relate to the mindfulness. We're trying meditation and yoga, both to help "reprogram" our nervous system to a healthier one and for reducing anxiousness and learning to be "in the moment." We were diagnosed over two decades ago but didn't have a good T until this last one that just retired last month after 9 years. But knowing about the DID did answer a lot of questions, including the memory issue one. That in itself is a bit of a relief.

And yes, i get the cancellation issue. Our new T cancelled last week when we really were primed and needing to go (in fact, one of our teens, Davis, had emailed her and was bucking up her courage to go--though she wouldn't phrase it that way, of course, and she rescheduled for the next day. That delay still pushed us back a bit (since we haven't developed trust with her yet), but we were relieved not to have to wait a 'whole' week, which might as well be a year, as you wrote.

Anyway, just wanted to jump and say hi and that we're glad to see you all here. Take care.--orek

[orek]

(09-17-2014, 12:39 AM)MakersDozn Wrote: Thank you, orek. Our T is helping a great deal.

I'm also dealing with other issues, including the realization that nearly all the memories I have of childhood--definitely all the memories that involve being around other people--are unhappy ones. It's hard for me to have hope, to believe that things will get better, when they were never good for me in the first place.

Take care,

Charity

So sorry, Charity. You don't have any good memories to hold on to? We have some good ones, as far as lots of laughter in the family--not in the warm Waltons way, but in the incredibly good senses of humour running through the family, luckily. Also, we went camping, so we have nature memories. And there was some sense of connection and belonging. So for us, this made it even harder to face and accept the ab*se (which started in infancy), and it's still dawning us just how dysfunctional and toxic our family actually was, but it did finally explain for us why we've always felt so bad inside. As a child we chalked it up to being a bad person; in adulthood, as the struggles overtook absolutely everything, we chalked it up to faulty, weak character. Yet we tried so hard!!!

So the bad and terrifying memories essentially "let us off the hook" and was a relief in one way. At least there's hope for healing and a reason for our struggles and why we are the way we are. There's not much hope if you're just bad and faulty to the core, which was the only explanation that made sense before we faced it all. But hopelessness still looms. And that is an awful feeling. I hope you can feel hope start to rise in you and take root.

[orek]

(08-25-2014, 12:10 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: She says that we don't have to accept the unacceptable, but we do need to stay grounded so that our past doesn't prevent us from functioning in the present.

Staying grounded is the most difficult thing. I want to run and hide and never come out again. I want to not be overwhelmed by the pain all the time. I want to not be neck-deep in anger, but somehow it feels like the anger is the only thing that can protect me.

I love that response of hers! I like the part that we don't have to "accept the unacceptable." Damn right it's unacceptable what happened to all of us here! But I also get how hard it is to ground and the desire to be PAST it all already. I think grounding in the present helps us do that, though. Our old T always said that we'll never totally "get over" what happened to us, but we'll get to the point where it's in the background and not driving us in the present.....paraphrased. She said it much better. But being overwhelmed in the present doesn't get us through those feelings. So grounding is helpful. I guess we all have to find ways to do that--as well as release some of that anger in a healthy way. I like the clay idea. I think we'll try that!

One more thing: I'm glad she's available for you all. And it sounds as if you have done a great job of taking care of yourselves and feeling out her availability as well as seeking out other options. I think it's important to note that your worry about intruding is a healthy sign of boundary awareness. Some clients don't have that at all and don't see their Ts as people with lives outside therapy, or even with other clients. Not that we have to worry about or take care of that for them, but negotiating with our Ts to assert our needs while also respecting theirs is a very healthy thing. It's up to our Ts to know their own boundaries and assert/protect them, basically negotiate in good faith. (I had a counselor in the past who gave beyond her means then turned on her clients in resentment. Her issues, not ours.) But if you didn't worry about intruding, you wouldn't be the empathetic MDs we experience you all to be. And if you trust your T to protect her own boundaries (and since you've worked with her a long time, I assume you can), then you can believe her when she says it's okay to call when you need. Yay!

[MakersDozn]

Hi orek,

Yes, we do trust our T. We've been with her for over 10 years.

Several others have good memories of our childhood. I do not. While I can look at their experiences and know intellectually that there were good times, they're not my memories. And for me, my memories and my emotional reality trump intellect.

I may have had a few experiences that I saw at the time as being sublime, but I know see that I was living them through the lens of naivete and illusion. I idealized things and people when I should not have done so. I won't get into the details, but it's a large factor in the crash into reality that I've experienced during the last few years.

Take care,

Charity