Connections

[Tangled Web]

This week we have been doing ALOT of thinking. Taking stock of our life, and making realizations.
When I saw our T this week I was able to actually SEE her trying to help us. This was a new observation to me. And while talking to her, words just seemed to fall out of my mouth and thinking about it after, the realizations came to me. I see 3D people in general as not human as a way to protect myself from being hurt. It also makes connections impossible to make, which also lessons the chance of being hurt. This on the other hand also keeps me feeling isolated and alone, something that I desperately want to change. So in talking to T this week I realized this. She listened to me and appeared to understand what I was saying. Then I was able to see her try to help me. I wrote her out an email with some of my wants/needs on it and had to receive permission from her to send it.....(not something I have to do on a regular basis, but I needed permission for myself) Any ways everything worked out well. I am finding it hard to believe right now, but I took a HUGE risk and it worked out well so far. She wasn't angry or upset at me, in fact she actually told me she was proud of me for having the courage to do that. That is something I am definitely not accustomed to hearing.

I have realized that even though my old T has helped me in some ways, and I don't want to discredit her for that........but I spent 4 years with her thinking I was doing "this...T with her......."wrong. I thought that I had to do it on my own. I thought my needs/wants were something I had to figure out for myself, she encouraged independence, which was something I have always had. I have always thought I had to do things on my own, so what she was trying to tell me kinda fit in with all the messages I gave myself. Even though I knew I couldn't do it on my own I figured I was just doing it wrong and couldn't figure out how to do it right. And when I was at my wits end, and got tired of spinning and trying to do it right and always failing miserably, we decided maybe it was time to look elsewhere because something was just not right.

So now I am with new T and I thought to try one more time to tell her what I was thinking and how I couldn't figure it out so I could do it "right" and she says to me...........you don't have to do it on your own, and she wants to help me, by showing me, teaching me, and she says she will do that until I am able to do it for myself. She told me it is not wrong. WOAH!!!! I am in shock a lil bit and terrified at the same time. But it feels kinda good at the same time. Maybe this is what making a connection feels like.
Any ways I guess I will see how this all plays out on Tuesday. I will be keeping my fingers crossed until then hoping what she says is what she actually means.
TW