Struggling

[57thomas]

MM, you've said a lot of things I can identify with. When the realization of DID hit me a couple of months ago, I went into a panic, with so much inner turmoil following. I was so looking forward to my next T appt, but she called that morning to cancel because of a death in the family, and waiting another week seemed like it might as well be a year. She keeps telling me to call her when things get really bad, but I just can't bring myself to do it. My parents drilled it into me for 18 years that I was nothing but a burden, and it's still there.

I'm working hard at staying grounded,too. Such a new thing for me, I dissociate out at the drop of a hat. Now that I realize that's why my memory is so bad I'm trying to practice mindfullness whenever I can, and not "skip out". It's not that I want to keep other parts of me in all the time, I'm just hoping things can be a little more orderly so I'm not so confused about what's going on.

I had my third EMDR session yesterday. This was the first time that it worked as described in the literature. The first two times it seemed like nothing happened (which really dissapointed me), but then it was like all hell broke loose in my head for the next few days. This time (maybe because I picked a more discreet target) we went through it and resolved it. But last night the tension was taking over and I knew anger was next (to be followed by depression) so I got on the elliptical machine for an hour, then went to the park and juggled/danced my heart out to some music for a couple more hours until I was worn out.

Anyway, I'm glad there are people like you I can relate to and talk to. Because I don't have a clue what the next few days will be like, lol.