roller coaster of feelings

[Tangled Web]

Well my son has been threatened with eviction if he doesn't start cleaning up his act. Hopefully that message has gotten through to him.
I saw T yesterday and tried to explain things to her but it didn't go very well. Not her fault mind you, I couldn't slow things down enough to talk. It just feels like I am standing inside this big room with all the crap swirling around me and I am frozen in place. I am just there and don't know what to do. I don't know where to begin, I don't know what to say, so I just sat there saying I don't know what to do.
I was able to tell her how this has been spilling over into my every day life and she understood that it is starting to effect my life. Work hasn't been going so well. I was orientating a nurse to the job and I lost my patience with them and yelled. I NEVER raise my voice like that at work. I felt bad afterwards.
On a good note I was able to write last night, I wrote pages of stuff and sent it to T. I had to write without trying to apply any logic things or try to make sense of things. It was the only way the words would flow. I wasn't able to resolve anything but I was able to put some things into words. For some reason right now logic or having an understanding of what is going on doesn't change anything. Even though right now I know I am safe, I know that I am being triggered, I know why some of these things are happening.......but having that logic and that understanding has absolutely no effects on the feelings. It doesn't change any of the feelings.
But I do feel a little bit better today. I will put this aside for now and tuck it away and go to work. I am hoping today will be a better day at work.
Thanks for listening and all your support.
Tangled