roller coaster of feelings

[Tangled Web]

Thanks guys I really do appreciate it. I wish it wasn't hard to be just heard by people. I don't understand why people will just go into this "fix it mode". It is almost like it is automatic. They see problems between a parent and a child and they automatically go into teaching the parent how to "manage" their child and trying to teach all these tools and somewhere along the lines they just stop listening. It stops being about the problems I feel I have and the focus is changed to how fix things. How can anyone try to "fix" anything when they have absolutely no idea what the problems are to begin with? And the reasons they have no idea what the problems are is because they have f*ck*ng stopped LISTENING! And because they have stopped listening they stop asking the right questions and miss the whole point of this to begin with.
I have tried so hard to just get people to understand where I am coming from but it never works. I have tried opening up doors from within and telling people especially the old T we had, what is bothering me and it always seem to go over their heads. I don't understand it. I know I am not the best at discussing things and it is hard to make sense out of things even for me and if I can't make sense out of things then how the hell are they going to but isn't that their job? Isn't that their job to help me make sense out of things when I can't? Another frustrating part is I can't even get to that place anymore because you need someone to just f*ck*ng listen to you before they can help you make sense out of things.
My son is challenging, yes I know that. He has disabilities, yep know that too. He is impulsive and makes bad choices, yep got that one also! That is the thing.....I don't need anyone to describe my son to me! I don't need anyone to tell me how I should handle him or that this approach usually works best with these types of disabilities. Do they honestly think I am that clueless? Do they honestly think I didn't read the hundreds of books out there to try to help my son?
This isn't about him! This is about the extreme anger I feel sometimes when I am around him, how I want to rip his head off sometimes because of the things he has done to me. This is about how he triggers past things from my past that I have no idea how to handle. It is about how everytime I end up feeling angry or taken advantaged of or feel used by him that I want to walk away from him but I am constantly reminded of the fact that my parents disowned me and how that made me feel. It is a constant reminder that I am ALL he has in this world, and how I didn't have no one at his age. It hurts. And I feel trapped. And more than anything right now it pisses me off because once again he is a program that is supposed to be helping him with his independence and these people are NOT listening to me! So another reminder of those dark times when I brought in every f*ck*ng resource they had out there to help my son and every single one of those resources let us down. He didn't end up coming back home to live with me, all it did me doing that was open up his world to whole wack of new problems and behaviours and issues that he got so lost in. And I honestly don't think I can do this again. I don't know how. But how do I just stand back and watch his life fall apart?
I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.