Diagnosis, social life, and benefits

[Downtherabbithole]

I can relate to what's been said here. The T I have seen once works with ppl like us and our first session was alot about this issue but no one was willing to put a lablr to it and as there is a spectrum of where people can split and a degree of dissociation according to each experience of a person, my understanding is that even simple ptsd has some level of seperation though basic, then complex ptsd has more seperation then ddnos more do then the did on the end of the scale( though one site said there was another more complex version of did but I don't fully grasp how that works and only be site found showed this). The only official diagnosis given was complex ptsd because T was seeing at the time didn't believe in did. But the T before said she suspected I did but she had gone on long sick leave before could get any further with diagnosis. Another when mentioned bout others n suggestion of previous suggestio of did she tried asking an emotional part to come out to talk. The angry one n instead complete system failure n therapist spent rest of session trying to calm me down from panic n try help me get grounded. Then when got home I heard things like betrayal n stabbing in back because I spoke of them. This T well they're actually a pair that work together. They do it for free thru a church I once went to. The accept the existance of others inside and use my terms like voices n parts when talking to me, they recognize when a switch happened twice in session. I've only seen them once. But they havnt put a lable on me and because some parts still doubt being multiple they deny the lable of did saying just all in the hesd( hehe she doesn't pick up on the fact that often argues with herself n gets answered back depleting her argument that's she's only one but I see benifit of a part thinking they are only one because it helps remain hidden).. Ppl see odd behaviour but dismiss me as being just that odd girl. Quirky, or as my mum says.. Very unusual child. My unusualness is seen for most part as being silly n fun or funny and rarely related to trauma. Meaning that don't often make that connection very often. Sometimes I wish I would tell my mum there was a reason why I was that way or tell ppl who judge me as childish or seeking attention ( partly cause of works of p@rp) but your right there is a negative stigma attatched n I too fear official diagnosis incase ended up locked away n made sure the T seeing assure me he didn't thinki was crazy n no locking away would result from this, but I feel I still do hold back. But I class myself more as having severe trauma than having a specific condition as I don't know really where I fall in the spectrum, just that I have severe dissociation n parts of me inside. A community inside. I don't know how many n not all have names much to the disappointment of new T's as they said its harder to know who's who n whose speaking or in control. I just said tell me about it now u know why I get so confused. It's hard though when it comes to jobs, I am limited myself to certain jobs because too much triggered pressure n all hell breaks loose. But I guess that's true if anyone did or not. When it comes to financial help I admit gets tricky, or even job help for disability. ( basically fir those with special needs n need help to find a job that they are able to do with their condition) I've had to consider it or even trying to get student support by becoming a full time student thru a counselling diploma I've been doing long distance. I wanna help ppl when I get myself together I know I will be able to do that better. But though I work hr n half from home either way n there is bullying from owners high stakes pressure there n being run raggered by the job I'm reluctant to go down avenue of openly admitting that other jobs could take terrify me because of the presence of men either working with or customers. I work with children n my quirkyness makes me good entertainer n I guess motherly parts good at singing outside babies to sleep or comforting crying children. But working with children seems safer than adults. I havnt freaked out at work this work ever except when owners came in esp when they hammered n belittle me in front of other staff n children. But I understand how it feels is what I'm trying to say, where u really not sure if getting officially diagnosed or telling anyone because of being locked away or judged more but meanwhile ppl not understanding why we are how we are they judge us harshly in a whole different way. If you don't feel comfortable with presenting as a did person, maybe try present as how u feel comfortable presenting self as, that way you can feel safe and still get help then down the track you might find someone who it's safe to tAAlk face to face about his stuff. As it is other than the two T's Ive seen once n the main one I've emailed alot and one good friend no one else openly knows about it( that's still in my life). Trust is earned. If someone has earnt your trust, sometimes when your ready you can open up to them and say how things are for you. Until then, from what I've seen of this place, ppl are very understanding n are on a simular page so they know what it's like n won't judge u. I hope u find it safe here to share n find support u need.