Feeling the loss.........

[Tangled Web]

I thought that trying so hard to hold onto the good memories of my dad would make the bad memories not seems so bad. But that isn't working anymore. I seem to be remembering more of the bad and that changes the good memories. Does that make sense? It is like I can't love him and hate him at the same time, it has to be one or the other. The longer he is gone the good memories seem to disappear along with him. They are not as strong as the bad ones anymore. He really hurt us..............and I can't seem to counter that with the good memories anymore. Whenever something bad would come up or a bad feeling would come regarding him I could at least counter it with the thoughts of .......well at least he loved us or he encouraged us..........now I am not so sure. It makes me angry on so many levels and sad. I have spent my life protecting him and thinking there were valid reasons for doing what he did to us................I was so afraid of losing the thought that he actually loved us.....he was the only one in my family that I truly felt loved me......and now all I am thinking is if he loved us so much how he could he have done those things to us? I am losing him all over again........that is what it feels like.
I have never talked with anyone about him and what he did because I needed to protect him. I needed to keep his secrets. I needed to be his good little girl. I am not his little girl anymore........and I feel the loss..................