Drinking n don't know why

[Downtherabbithole]

I was so freaked before I saw therapist yesterday, I even had to get a bottle of vodka n juice to mix with it n have a drink before left to calm down so I didn't pull out. I was shutting down n I couldn't do it there, but he triggered a memory n a part... Then another part came out. Since I came home Ive had drink after drink. Since yesterday afternoon I think I've nearly drunk half the vodka bottle. N its not a small one. Make me sleep better I guess but I had gone a long time without really drinking except special occasions, now its been nearly two days of constant. I don't know how many. Is it the memory of what happened what triggering drinking again. It feels like more than just yesterday since that meeting, like weird I guess maybe just done lots if things since then it feels like more time has passed. Whether not having much food in house so not much else to do but drink or if its hiding from uncomfortable memories or drowning out the others or drowning out the memories it's like someone cracked open a door n darkness flowed out a little like some one brush some sand away from something buried and need to bury it again. I'm alone, I never thought much bout it cause often was alone when drinking, I guess safer but ppl used to tell me drinking alone wasn't good. Is it just that you loose track of how much you drink or that u can get too much in your own head and need someone to help you come out of yourself. I don't know, but though in a way I don't think much of it another part of me is a lil concerned that gone from not really drinking for long time to drinking constantly through past day and half all of a sudden. Is this something that will continue or will it settle out. There are so many so much stuff inside like its creeping its way to the surface but that scares me. Like I don't know what's going to happen. I don't want to loose control. I can't I just can't. It's like a storm is approaching n I'm just not sure I'm ready for whatever is heading my way.