Apprehension over my first therapy session with new person

[Downtherabbithole]

Listening to my body n what it was telling me hasn't been a strong suite. Often end up in over my head. But when the pain n exhaustion I felt physically last night drew me once again to tears, I had to cancel. I don't know what causes the body wide spread pain, doctors never care even when I'd have specific area of complaint. But I didn't think it was good idea to add emotional meeting to that. Especially when not even able to concentrate on much with pain going on n working such long days I really do feel like a product that's past their best before or use by date. Now everything else is merely time that I am Slowely decomposing. I used to think that would never make it to 18, or then 21 now I'm turning 30 this year but I still have that nagging feeling, I'm not even supposed to be here. Not that I have any wish to end my life but rather just a feeling that I am damaged goods n no longer good for much. I feel like my body Slowely breaking down not helping this perception feeling that I should be considering retirement not planning for future. Quality of life is basically just surviving day to day or moment to moment n keeping busy as to not notice how bad things really are. My dad says could be arthritis cause have pain stiffness n aching in joints but doesn't explain pain in neck n shoulder especiLly round shoulder blade. I suspect could result of abseiling accident as a kid. It also doesn't explain headaches. The tender points, insomnia, stomache problems n pain some tell me could be fibro. But I don't have much faith in doctors caring enough to even try to figure out what's wrong so I could at least not feel unjustified to even mention or acknowledge the pain, yet alone try to start ruling out possibilities to find a cause n work on solution or management plan.
But seeing therapist still wanted to see me even though was trying to listen to my body saying I couldn't deal with that meeting this morning, n considering I struggled just to deal with today without the meeting. If I'd gone I would of been so much worse n also would of had less than 5 hrs sleep again. I'm worried that he is angry I cancelled. I almost feel I've lost the one chance I had for outside help other than here. But I just could get up so early with min sleep n the pain I had woken with to go talk to someone new bout something I wasn't sure I trusted anyone enough to talk openly about. I just couldn't. Then why do I feel a sense of shame n embarrassment n feeling of that I'd failed. I know one part hates that others are as she says weak. She bland the others weakness for bad things happening. Maybe being disappointed n angry at self that showed weakness of any kind to anyone outside is why that's there. Maybe she feels we weren't soldier enough for her... I guess she's right. I don't feel very strong. If anything, I feel wounded n broken, like a soldier wounded in battle n with severe injuries n what's the phrase... Shell shock?? I heard the term used in a torchwood episode once in regards to a soldier. Someone should just through me out. I am so past my used by date. I keep trying to push through, always learning towards doing what's expecting, jobs to help others, responsibilities. But I feel bad to stop n do something for me, I feel bad that I let myself get roughly 8 hrs broken sleep rather than 5 or less that would of had if gone to appointment.. I feel bad that I sat on bed doing paperwork most of day on computer rather than doing anything outside house, I feel bad that no matter how hard I work, I never seem to feel I have enough time, feel that I've finished all my jobs cause there's always just one more thing to do or 5 or 10 more things hanging over my shoulder. I feel useless.