messed up

[nats]

hi Kathy,
i think what you've said in these last few posts is really important. you (and your mum) are right that pain IS a very efficient teacher. however, speaking from a pedagogical standpoint, it is not actually the most effective teacher - but that is a conversation for a different time.

two points come to mind. first, feeling hurt is horrible and unpleasant, but it's a perception and perception does not always equal Truth. i.e. your T's behaviour hurts you because of how you are interpret her actions not because her actions actually damaged you or were bad in a universal way (this may not make sense, so please just ask and i'll try to say it in another way).

second, if your parents taught through pain then it's very understandable that you can't imagine forgiveness without pain. it's what you spent your formative years learning. however, you live in an adult body now. you have the capacity to learn new ways of dealing with problems and you can change your perceptions and not let your mum's teaching control how you view relationships anymore.

forgiveness to us has always been about ourselves and not wanting to take back our power from the person who wronged us. it's not about letting the other person go unpunished, but rather about recognising that the other person's action didn't destroy/damage us in a permanent way and we don't want to waste any further time obsessing over them (or shutting them out, which also requires extra energy better used for something constructive) and thus continuing to feed their power over us. again, this may not make sense and may not seem relevant to you in any way. just thought we should put it out there for consideration.