messed up

[Tangled Web]

I did email her..............
Writing the response to nats helped put things in perspective.
This is what I said
I am so stuck right now. The defenses are kicking in so hard right now to protect us. I am trying so hard to not lose any ground I have gained with you but I am losing that fight. I feel defeated. I know you said something to me about why you were trying to figure out how to get to things and about stirring the pot and why that was a good thing in your eyes but I don’t remember what that was anymore. I tried to repeat it and hold on to it but I lost it and now things are really messed up.



You know how the mother would try and try to figure out what bothered us so she could use it against us to hurt us and how important it was for us to protect those things and keep them so hidden from her so she wouldn’t know how to hurt us. Because once she learned what bothered us she would use it over and over again to get to us. She would do everything in her power to the stir the pot and cause trouble just get a reaction from us…….she would do whatever it took to hurt us.

I understand that your reasons are different from what the mothers reasons were. Looking at it from your point of view and without the experiences we have had. But it will still hurt us. Whether the hurt is from trying to heal from past experiences or hurt from the vindictive ways of the mother. It still ends up with being hurt one way or another. So does it matter if the intentions are good or bad if the feeling of hurt is the same? That is where we are completely stuck..........to us it won’t make any difference and don’t know how to change that……………………………..and then we think what is the point of saying of anything to you........your words won't change that fact, so what do we do?

I don’t know what to do. Everything is just spinning and no matter how hard I try to make it stop it doesn’t. I can’t make it go away. I can’t change how this feels. I can’t change anything……….This is ONE of the biggest things we have spent our whole entire life protecting and hiding and preventing people from ever doing and you go and tell everyone who was listening that is what you were trying to do, how you were trying to understand how things would effect us so you could use that……………… What were you thinking????????????
THE END

I don't know what good this will do but at least I tried. I told T what is going on at least.............don't see how that will change anything and was hoping it might of made things better but it hasn't......