On Denial (in answer to nats)

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Sorry. It's been many moons, and I'm swimming in the papers of bureaucracy: taxes (done); ID theft (I thought I was done); renewal of Medicaid; renewal of apt. lease (along with negotiating what can be done about apt. repairs, when doing them right, this time, would make me ill due to severe chemical fume allergies); etc.

Denial is basically a lie to one's self, and to others. It's: accepting the unbearable as bearable (making the best of things, making excuses or accepting excuses for another person's disappointing behavior, as promises of improvement are either given or fantasized, etc.); being irrationally positive in the face of evidence to the contrary, though there are certainly times when such hope eventually works out, making this approach alluring.

It's a common defense mechanism that apparently can go in and out of awareness.
I think that other people can be hurt by someone who appears to go in and out of denial -- exhibiting awareness of a deficiency, or unhappiness, and then, maybe an hour or so later singing the praises of a situation or person, while denying the importance of what was said earlier, or denying it altogether. The person might involve one or more people to serve as buffers, which might lead to some taking frustrations out on someone who really has nothing to do with the crux of the problem. That person becomes a victim of the lie(s), possibly an excuse for another person's behavior.
Something like this could be a manipulative scheme for gain, which is not denial at all. Sure. I also believe it can be both at once, with the gain compensating for what is lacking in that person's life. Either way, emotional harm can be done, as well as social damage. Not good for anyone.

The above can escalate to abuse and sabotage of the buffer, or helper, when that person (who had been told that his/her happiness was very important, and was encouraged to find his/her own relationship, for instance) finds what could be an important friend or romantic interest. The denial extends to statements that the helper is being protected. An apology might be given, only to be immediately followed by a statement which denies wrongdoing. The helper is made to feel at fault for the resulting unhappiness. There can be thr**ts against the helper and the person trying to be friendly.

This is most effective where the helper is in some way dependent on the person in denial. It can take time to see that you're not free, to make sure you're not goin' nowhere or deriving joy from someone else......., or even via your own company without the person in denial.

I think that emergence from denial is very painful, and sometimes the other person doesn't want to put in the work. Consequently, a helper/buffer might be expected to be unfulfilled, and to go into denial re his/her life as well.
It is wise to realize over time that it is unlikely that a person in chronic, valid denial behavior (making do) which includes other factors, will change without immense, consistent effort. People like that can have wonderful qualities, but something is twisted up inside.

I hope I've answered your question.
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