Neediness

[MakersDozn]

I want to work this through. We don't have T until Wednesday, and it can't wait until then. I don't want the pain to continue for the next five minutes, let alone the next three days. I can't let our life come to a standstill--or worse, fall apart--because of my problems.

I have unmet emotional needs from infancy. I'm deeply angry at our mother and our grandmother. I've said all this many times. I talk to our T about all of this repeatedly, and she says that I/we are making progress. But the ugliness never stops. It keeps coming and coming no matter how hard I work on it.

Right now I feel as if I'm on the verge of being consumed by all of the anger again. I keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results. I don't know what else to do.

I feel overwhelmed by post-traumatic stress. Traumas that happened over 50 years ago and never really stopped, because I see the past and the present as one and the same. I use my pain to validate my existence. I doubt whether I am real and valid. So I cling to whatever I think can prove that I am real, even if this means making the pain continue.

I don't want to make things harder for myself. I just want to believe that I'm real and worthwhile, and to be secure in the knowledge that the people who are important to me believe this. I have no foundation of Safe, Supportive Other. And when I hear people, inside or out, say that we need to love ourselves before we can receive love from others, I want to tell them to do unspeakable things to themselves.

I wish I could believe that someone hears me and cares.

Charity